Jelly Bean Meets Jelly Mean

, , , , , | Right | June 7, 2021

I am at the cashier desk servicing customers. I have already served this girl a bus card, and while she is still hanging around, I don’t think anything of it; customers often hang around while friends are getting their cards recharged. I keep working my way through a line about five deep, and when I’m done, I notice that the girl and her boyfriend are still waiting off to the side, nowhere near a register and clearly not a part of a line.

I smile, and ask:

Me: “Did you guys need anything else?” 

Girl: “Yeah, these jelly beans!”

Me: “Great, I’m happy to serve you here! But just for future reference, we do have clearly marked lines for registers. I’m sorry, I didn’t think you—”

She cuts me off and says rather snootily:

Girl: “Well, we didn’t know! No need to be so rude about it!”

I’m perplexed as it’s quite clear, especially at the moment with social distancing stickers on the floor and the plexiglass around the registers where the line would be, and I didn’t think I had been rude. 

Me: “O-oh… um… that will be $2.99… it’s just… I had no idea you were in the line, and for quicker service, being in the line is best! I’m sorry for the wait.”

They walk away and I think that is that. As I go to serve another customer, I hear a thwack but don’t think anything of it.

Coworker: “They just threw a jelly bean at you.”

I blinked and turned around, and sure enough, there was a jelly bean on the ground. I was a little ticked at this, as it could have hit a customer, but ultimately found it hilarious.

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Only One Half Of The Conversation And It’s Already Exhausting

, , , , , | Right | May 27, 2021

I’m waiting for my prescription to be filled, sitting next to the reception desk of the in-house optometrist. I only hear the receptionist’s half of the phone call, so I can only imagine what the other end sounds like.

Receptionist: “Hello, [Optometrist].”

Receptionist: “Yes, yes, we can certainly get you an appointment.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he still works here.”

Receptionist: “No, he doesn’t do late Wednesday night anymore; he does Thursdays, instead.”

Receptionist: “Thursdays.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he used to do late Wednesday nights, but he stopped that and now he does Thursday nights, instead.”

Receptionist: “Yes.”

Receptionist: “No, he doesn’t do Wednesday nights anymore; he does Thursday nights, instead.”

Receptionist: “Yes, Thursdays.”

Receptionist: “Yes, we can certainly get you an appointment on Thursday night. How is 6:20 for you?”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the evening.”

Receptionist: “Yes, on Thursday.”

Receptionist: “Okay then, how about the following Thursday? The latest I have is 7:00 pm.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the evening. If that’s not going to work, may I suggest—”

Receptionist: “Yes, we are open Saturdays. We are open from 9:00 am until 2:00 pm.”

Receptionist: “Yes, he does work Saturdays. I can fit you in at ten o’clock this Saturday.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the morning.”

Receptionist: “This Saturday.”

Receptionist: “The fourth of July.”

Receptionist: “Yes. Saturday. Have you been here before? What was the last name?”

Receptionist: “Can you spell that for me? Okay, nothing is coming up on my system. Are you sure you’ve seen him before?”

Receptionist: “Oh, I see, the appointment is for your husband. Has he seen the optometrist before?”

Receptionist: “No? Okay then, I’ll need his last name.”

Receptionist: “Well, yes, it probably all is on your Medicare card, but I’d need that in front of me to get the information off it.”

Receptionist: “Yes, the actual card.”

Receptionist: “Yes, I’d need to be holding it in my hand to get that information.”

Receptionist: “Okay then, can you please spell his name for me? Thank you. And his date of birth?”

Receptionist: “Once again, ma’am, I don’t have your Medicare card in front of me. Thank you.”

Receptionist: “Okay, we will see you at ten am this Saturday the fourth of July.”

Receptionist: “Yes, this Saturday. At ten o’clock.”

Receptionist: “Yes, in the morning. Please bring your Medicare care.”

Receptionist: “Yes, the actual card. Thank you. Bye.”

He hung up and made an expression that said, “Thank God that’s over.” As he turned around, he saw that I was looking straight at him and panicked briefly before he realised that I was shaking with silent laughter. I really want to be there at 10:00 am this Saturday to see what happens. Yes, in the morning. This Saturday.

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A Not So Warm And Cuddly Story

, , , , , , | Legal | September 20, 2020

My best friend of ten years is six months pregnant. Due to the current health crisis, among other reasons, we have not been able to catch up in person since April. I do crochet and embroidery as a hobby and have spent my free time over the last two or three months making a baby blanket, which is basically the baby’s name embroidered among stars and planets, etc.

My best friend and I are catching up in a coffee shop that’s halfway between our respective houses, for the first time in months, and I have given her the blanket for the baby. We’ve just sat down to enjoy our cuppas and a chat when we hear a woman’s voice.

Woman: “Um, excuse me, how much is that blanket?”

Best Friend: “Oh, [My Name] made it for me! It’s for my—”

Woman: *Rudely* “How much?”

Best Friend: “Um… what? It’s not for sale.”

Me: “I made it for my niece; it’s a gift—”

Woman: “I asked you HOW MUCH?” *Raises her voice* “I don’t understand why you can’t just answer me! So rude!”

Me: “Look, the blanket isn’t for sale! You can’t have it! So can you please leave us alone?”

Woman: *Gives us both a death glare* “F****** RUDE!”

She turned to walk away and we thought that was the end of it. Nope: quicker than either of us could react, she snatched the blanket off the table and made a run for the door!

Lucky for us, she tried to pull a push door and slammed head first into it, losing her balance and landing square on her backside. I grabbed the blanket out of her hands before she could react, and she started screaming about theft and assault and calling me every name in the book. At this point, I was worried she was going to have an aneurysm with how hard she was shrieking.

Even better, the cafe had security tapes and the barista had seen the woman snatch the blanket.

Cops were called, charges were filed — she spat on me and you bet I’m booking her for it — my best friend got her blanket, and I finally got a story to post on here!


This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the next story in the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

Read the Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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A Policy Against Time Travel

, , , , , | Right | August 30, 2020

I work in the call centre for a car insurance company that also offers roadside assistance.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Car Insurance Company]; you’re speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “Oh, hi, I’m just wondering why you guys send out this promotion that ends on the twenty-ninth of September when it’s the second of October.”

Me: “Well, what most likely happened is we sent it out to you before the end date and you’re only just reading it now.”

Customer: “Ah, well, that would make sense. I got the letter a month ago.”

Further along, I’m updating his contact details.

Me: “Sir, do you have a mobile phone number that I could put into our system?”

Customer: “No, sorry, I only use my mobile in case I break down and don’t like to give it out.”

Me: “Well, sir, we are actually the roadside assistance company that you use, and if you call us and we need to call you back, we need your mobile number.”

Customer: “Oh, right. It’s [number].”

Later on, in the same call, I’m doing an insurance quote for him.

Me: “I understand that you want the policy to start at the end of November, but unfortunately, we can only do a quote for insurance a month in advance, so this is going to be a guide only.”

Customer: “That’s fine. I understand.”

We get to the end of the quote and he’s happy with the price.

Me: “Now, would you like me to give you a call at the end of October so we can go ahead with this policy?”

Customer: “Wow, that’s a bit far in advance, isn’t it?”

Me: “Your original reason for calling was to take out the insurance policy two months in advance and this is only one month in advance.”

Customer: “Oh, all right, then. That’s fine. Call me on my mobile.”

I facepalmed.

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Pride, Painfulness, Cramping, And Soreness!

, , , , , | Learning | August 8, 2020

I teach karate. While there are younger students in my group, today, the class consists of students around seven years old. Seeing an opportunity for a deeper talk on our values, I gather them together. Our values are pride, patience, courtesy, and spirit.

Me: “So, what’s our first value?”

Student #1: “Pride!”

Me: “Yes, exactly! We need to have pride in what we do. This means we always do our best, no matter what. Can you tell me what our second value is?”

None of them can.

Me: “Okay, it starts with a P. P, p…”

After a moment of deep thought, one of them pipes up at last.

Student #2: “PAINFULNESS!”

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