Probably Does A Better Job As A Statue

, , , , | Related | September 28, 2017

(A relative of ours held a prominent government position back in the day. We are taking a trip to his home-town in order to learn about family history. There is a statue of him there, with a plaque below containing a biography. [Cousin #1] is seven, and [Cousin #2] is four.)

Cousin #1: “It talks about what he did before he was [Prominent Government Position], but what about afterwards?”

Cousin #2: “He was a statue, silly!”

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Got The Time Most Of The Time

, , | Friendly | September 7, 2017

(I am on vacation in Mexico, hanging out with some fellow campers. I have been at this particular spot for a couple months longer than them, and have gotten used to its natural cycles.)

Camper #1: “Oh, hey, what time is it?”

Me: “It’s…” *I look at the sky, hold up an arm, and judge the distance between it and one of the constellations.* “…about 10 o’clock.”

Camper #2: “I’m going to check that, and if you’re right, that’s awesome.” *looks at his cellphone* “It’s 10:07! Wicked!”

(Over time, I got less accurate, since the position of stars change throughout the year, but my estimates were still within an hour of the actual time.)

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Engaging With The Sister-In-Law

, , , , , | Related | August 15, 2017

(We are having a girls only weekend away with my sisters-in-law and the oldest nieces, including one nephew’s fiancée. The beach house we are staying at is next to a boy’s party house. All of the nieces end up partying on the beach with the boys.)

Niece: *coming into the bedroom we are all sharing* “What are you doing in bed, [Fiancée]? You should be out partying with us. You might meet a nice boy!”

Fiancée: “Meet a nice boy? No, thanks, I’ll stay here.”

Niece: “Oh, are you sure? The boys are great; you could have so much fun.”

Fiancée: “I. Am. Engaged. To. Your. Brother.”

Niece: *shrugs* “Oh, well, are you sure?”

Fiancée: “YOUR. BROTHER. ENGAGED.”

Niece: “Oh. Okay.”

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Trash Talking Long Distance

, , , , | Right | August 8, 2017

(My family and I are on vacation. We also own a garbage company.)

Me: “Hey, mom, your phone is ringing.”

Mom: *picks up phone* “Hello, this is [Mom].”

Customer: “Why the h*** didn’t you pick up my garbage?”

Mom: “I’m sorry, we are on vacation and have someone different driving. He may just be running late.”

Customer: “I don’t care what’s happening. Get my garbage picked up right now, b****!”

Mom: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you because I’m 1000 miles away.”

Customer: “Come get my f******* trash!”

(This continues for about 30 minutes.)

Customer: “Listen, if you don’t come get my trash right now I’m going to quit with your service.”

Mom: “Fine, we don’t need a customer like you anyway. Thanks for ruining my f****** vacation.” *hangs up*

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Time To Re-Dress Your Comments

, , , | Related | August 2, 2017

(My cousins and I are vacationing at the beach for one week. I brought a variety of clothes, most of which were casual and went into drawers, but I brought one dress that I hung in the closet. I had gotten there before the other two girls, so no one witnessed me putting away my clothes. The house we were staying in was a rental and as we were looking around we started to comment on the “retro” decor.)

Cousin #1: *in the kitchen* “Oh, my gosh! Look at this horrible green stove!”

(All three of us giggle.)

Cousin #2: *opening a closet in the hallway* “The water heater matches. Avocado green!”

(All three of us move to look at the green water heater in the closet, giggling all the while.)

Cousin #1: “…and look at that HORRIBLE old-fashioned fabric!”

(She is pointing to the dress I hung up in the closet. I stop laughing abruptly.)

Me: “That’s my dress!”

(Awkward pause.)

Cousin #1: “I thought it was an apron.”

(All three of us erupted with laughter. I will admit that the dress looked very apron-like on the hanger. My cousins both made a point of telling me how good it looked when I was wearing it, but I must admit I always felt a bit awkward wearing that dress after that.)

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