I am on holiday on the Gold Coast, Queensland. I go for a walk while my wife takes a nap. I walk 12km, but along the way, I need a “rest stop” and go into a local Surf Lifesaving Club. 

When I come out, there is an older woman sitting there looking out at the beach. I ask her what city I am looking back at.

Woman: “I don’t know; I’ve only been here a week.”

It’s Coolangatta.

Me: “What brought you here?”

Woman: “Well, I lived in Tasmania, and I sold my house when my husband died and rented a smaller place. My son and daughter-in-law moved in with me as they had a few problems and they could save a bit of rent money that way. I just had my seventy-fifth birthday, and my son said to me, ‘Well, Mum, time to get a power of attorney for me and for you to move into a retirement home.’”

She pauses and looks out at the beach again.

Woman: “I left them a note on the kitchen table that night and came over here. I’m going to live here where it’s nice and warm. Move into a retirement home and give them access to my money, my foot. They can go find another sucker to be their goldmine.”

I laughed and said I thought she was fantastic. I’m sorry I didn’t give her a hug. Good on you, ma’am; I hope it’s all still working for you!

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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My boyfriend’s parents invite us out for a family vacation — something we’d both be a lot more interested in if his sister wasn’t also invited. She’s the sort who loves drama, and she doesn’t care whose expense it comes at or how much of it is true.

For example, in college, she spent a year telling everyone her brother, [Boyfriend], died in a fire when they were teenagers to get sympathy drinks, free tutoring, and everything else she could milk it for.

I fell off a ladder a few weeks prior to the vacation, leaving me with a broken wrist and a lot of bruising, and I just know she’s going to try and leverage that into a scenario where she can play at being the hero. Sure enough…

Sister: “[My Name], I’m a little concerned. You said you ‘fell,’ but you know you can tell me the truth. Was it [Boyfriend]’s fault?”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Sister: “Has he been beating you?”

Me: “Ugh, yes, constantly!”

I see the smug satisfaction in her eyes as she opens her mouth to deliver a sanctimonious speech about how she can get me help, so I cut her off.

Me: “He beats me at chess, he beats me at Go, he beats me at Rocket League, and Overwatch, and Mario Kart… which is just not cool. I thought my Mario Kart game was top notch! If he wasn’t so sweet about it, it would be insufferable. Good thing I love him so much.”

I can see her getting impatient and it’s HILARIOUS.

Sister: “But does he hit you?!”

Me: “By accident sometimes, sure, but that’s why he mostly plays healing and support characters, and I mostly play DPS characters. We both know my aim is better.”

Sister: “…”

Me: “He’s getting way better about hitting our opponents instead of me, though! We make a good team.”

I left her there grinding her teeth and happily sauntered off to go talk about Cthulhu with my boyfriend and his mom. Later that night, [Sister] spotted the two of us sitting on the couch in our usual positions: me reading and him with his head in my lap, dozing and getting his hair petted. My honey is a six-foot-four snuggle kitten and well worth occasionally putting up with his drama queen of a sister!

In the late 1990s, my dad and step-mom decide to take a vacation to Mexico and take me. I am about seven or eight at the time and I am excited. I have barely ever been out of the state, and many kids at my school have gone overseas or to fancy destinations. I don’t have a passport, so my single mom takes the time to get one and update me on vaccinations, and also to give me my own spending money.

Fast-forward to the night she drops me off. My step-sister, who is ten years older than me, her boyfriend, and her best friend are also coming. They are not at the house, which I think is weird. My step-mom has to work until eleven, so I knew she wouldn’t be there.

Dad: “Okay, let’s get your stuff in the car.”

He starts loading everything.

Me: “Is everyone else’s stuff already in the car?”

Dad: “Sure is. Let’s go. We have to go by your grandma’s to drop something off.”

We drive about twenty minutes to his mother’s house. When we get there, he starts unloading my stuff. This upsets me a bit because I didn’t know the “something” we were dropping off was me!

Dad: “Okay, here is all of her stuff. We will be back in ten days. Her mom is out of town, too. She told me that I couldn’t take her, but she didn’t tell me until we had paid for everything. I appreciate this. I know it’s a hassle.”

I should make it clear that I am the oldest grandchild, but between her and my other grandmother, they constantly argue over who will have me. This is never a hassle for her. In fact, my grandma is acting like she hit the lottery. I seldom stay with her because she still works full-time and my grandfather isn’t a great babysitter because he has no rules.

I spend ten days at her house, in an area with no other children and with the same toys that have always been at her house. I’m bored, so I decide to take out my disposable camera and take pictures outside because we are in a rural area.

Me: “Grandma, I can’t find my camera. Have you seen it?”

Grandma: “Sweetie, why would you need a camera to come to stay with me?”  

Me: “Uh, it was for the beach?”

Grandma: “Sweetie, your dad said he told you weeks ago you couldn’t go. Maybe your mom decided not to pack it.”

Me: “No, she definitely did. I didn’t know I wasn’t going until I go here.”

Grandma: “Maybe you just forgot. Well, we can call your mom and ask— Oh, wait, didn’t she go out of town?”

Me: “Yeah, she went with her sister somewhere.”

Cue my grandma calling my mom’s house, getting no answer, and then calling my aunt’s, where she also gets no answer. I never do find my camera, and strangely, when we go to the store, I notice my tiny wallet is empty of my seventy dollars worth of spending money. My ten days are boring and bleak.

Right on schedule, my dad retrieves me and takes me back to his house. I notice that the little girl my step-sister babysits and takes nearly everywhere is at his house and is sunburned. I find out they took her.

Dad: “Okay, your mom will be here tomorrow after dinner. I just talked to her. There’s some serious traffic in North Carolina. She will get back too late to pick you up tonight.”

I pout in my room, wondering what I did to be left out. When my mom picks me up the next day, I have a bad attitude and won’t tell anyone goodbye. My step-mom is confused, and my step-sister and her boyfriend seem somewhat concerned. My dad decides to lie to my mom on the spot.

Dad: “She’s mad because I won’t let her prance around here in her new swimsuit all day long and do whatever she wants.”

My mom accepts this, but I am not giving in. I won’t talk to her, thinking she is in on it. When we get home and unpack, I find that my camera film has been developed and is in an album. Most of the pictures are of the water and beach, not of anyone on the trip. I also find a hideous green bathing suit with tags attached that is not mine. None of my money is anywhere. I go running to my mom.

Me: “I didn’t take these. Daddy took them! And my money is missing!”

Mom: “Well, did you lose it? And you know he likes cameras. Maybe he was just trying to help.”

I am fed up. I am tired of being punished for no reason.

Me: “Mom, I didn’t go on the trip! He took me to Grandma’s as soon as you were out of sight! I’m not sunburned. I always sunburn no matter what. He took [Little Girl my step-sister babysits], not me!”

My mom calls and my dad is adamant that I went and I am lying. Curious, she calls my grandma, who says my dad told her that my mom refused to let me go that far. My dad then changes the story to say I was so sick he was afraid to take me.

My mom doesn’t buy it and calls my step-mom, who tells her that my dad fed her the same line about me not being allowed to go.

When the dust settles, my dad admits he was mad at me for not agreeing to come live with him so he wouldn’t have to pay child support anymore.

Mom: “I should have known that he would do this. If he had told the truth, you could have come with me. I went to Six Flags with your aunt and cousins because I thought you were going to have fun!”

Surprisingly, she still made me visit with him. After that, things were better, and I was never left behind again.

My fiance and I are discussing our upcoming wedding at a family event for my side of the family. One of my elderly relatives is VERY opinionated and thinks that her way is the only way. My husband has just told her that we have booked an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica for our honeymoon. My boss goes to this specific resort every year and he recommended it highly, so we booked it. 

Elderly Relative: “Why don’t you go to the Poconos? One of my neighbors went to the Poconos on their honeymoon and they loved it! You don’t have to fly there.”

It is worth noting that my family lives in central Delaware, a roughly three-hour drive from the Poconos. My husband is stationed at the nearby Air Force base. I am a truck driver for a food service company and the honeymoon resorts in the Poconos are on my route, so I drive there several times a week.

Me: “Why would we want to go to the Poconos? The weather is going to be the same as it is in Dover and I drive there several times a week for work. We are getting married in October and we want a real getaway.”

Elderly Relative: “But the resorts in the Poconos have the most delicious food! My friend says that they got to see a lingerie show there and they got to feed deer!”

Me: “First of all, the quality of the food that I deliver to the honeymoon resort restaurants is very low, the kitchens smell bad, and the places are extremely dated; they get very poor reviews online. In fact, one reviewer referred to one of the resorts as ‘welfare Sandals.’ Second of all, a lingerie show is not our idea of fun. We want to get on an airplane and escape our day-to-day lives.”

Elderly Relative: “What does Jamaica have that the Poconos doesn’t have?”

Me: “Umm, beaches, gourmet food, amazing spas, and world-class service?”

Elderly Relative: “But the Poconos are cheaper and they are closer!”

I look up the Poconos resorts on my travel app.

Me: “No, the Poconos are not cheaper! According to [Travel Site], they are actually more expensive than the deal we got on the trip to Jamaica. We are flying out of Baltimore Washington International and it is only a two-hour drive from here so I am actually driving less. The flight is only three hours.”

Elderly Relative: “You are going to have a really bad time in Jamaica and wish that you went to the Poconos!”

We had an AMAZING time in Jamaica! We spent every morning eating the best breakfast buffet that we have ever had, on a terrace overlooking the Caribbean. We got a massage at the resort spa, which was very nice. The restaurants were second to none and the grounds were absolutely gorgeous. Our room overlooked the Caribbean and was amazing. It actually rained VERY heavily in the Poconos during the week of our honeymoon. So much for the bad time that we were expected to have in Jamaica!

My husband and I decide to drive to France for our honeymoon. After hanging out on the beach for a few hours, we come back to find that our car window has been smashed. I frantically search for my purse, and he for his wallet, but they’re gone.

We go to the police to file a report. The German translation service tells the police what happened and they start laughing at us. I can make out something along the lines of “stupid foreigners.” I complain, but they refuse to listen or take a report or help at all.

Having no money means no gas. Luckily, we have nearly a tank full, but that isn’t enough to make it back home. My husband gets a “brilliant” idea: turn the car off and let it roll down the hills! I have never been so terrified in my life. When we run out of gas completely, we have to push the car up hills.

We also have to spend a night in that car, which is cold because of the window and lack of heat.

Let’s just say it’s a honeymoon that I’ll never forget, and an omen I shouldn’t have ignored!