Not Feline This Weirdness

| Friendly | January 17, 2017

(I am 12. My family goes on a cross-country road trip. We stay with friends and family instead of in hotels. We arrive at one place, and I and my stepsister (who is also 12) get out of the car. The woman we are staying with comes over to greet us.)

Woman: “Look at you! I just want to knock your heads together like two cats!”

(Which she did. Very gently. No, she didn’t have any cats, but she did let us drive her ride-on mower.)

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Walking All Over You

| Friendly | December 30, 2016

(I, a German, invite my American friend to my place for two weeks of vacation and knowing she probably won’t get the chance again, offer to go see London with her for a few days despite me having been there before and not making enough at my job to just fly to other cities without difficulty. I do save up, though, and she knows about my situation, herself not having that kind of problem anymore despite being in a similar situation only a few years before. I drive us to the airport, two hours from my home, we fly to London, find the tube, find the office to pick up the keys to the apartment we rented, and walk there since the map says it’s not far. My friend HATES walking, as I’ve come to find out, and she constantly complains about having to walk everywhere, even to the tube station, which is an outrage apparently… First evening after settling in, we decide to look around the area and promptly get lost. I find the way back, but by now she’s in such a bad mood that she just stops and refuses to move anymore.)

Friend: “I’m gonna call a cab.”

Me: “The street our apartment is on is right over there. We can walk there in less than five minutes? I don’t want to pay for a cab for that small distance.”

Friend: “I. Am. Not. Walking. Anymore!”

(She flags a cab, one of the black, expensive ones, and makes me talk to the driver, who is surprised that we’d stop him for that small distance, but I tell him we’re tourists and got lost and he’s nice enough to take us there. He and I make small-talk on the (very short) way despite me having problems understanding his accent while she sits in stony silence and stares out of the window. Less than two minutes later we’re in front of our door.)

Friend: *looks at me* “You got the fare?” *gets out*

Me: *speechless*

(I paid, and the vacation only got worse from there. We’re not friends anymore.)

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Showered With Expectations

| Romantic | December 15, 2016

(My husband and I are on vacation together. We arrive at the hotel and check in. In the room, while I start unpacking, he looks around and walks inside the bathroom, which features a nice, big shower.)

Husband: “Baby, you need to see this!”

Me: “What is it?”

Husband: *pointing at the shower* “Look at this! This is amazing! It makes rain and stuff!”

(We do have a shower at home, so I still don’t know what he was so excited about and he could not explain it to me either.)

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I Guess That Counts As Potty Trained?

| Related | November 1, 2016

(Years ago I dated the son of a very famous author. We go to their summer home and we’re having a lovely dinner. There is a 15-year gap between us and the youngest kid.)

Child: *around three* “I need to go potty!”

(He runs off and we all continue talking. The youngest son runs inside through a screen door, much to everyone’s surprise:)

Child: “I need the pooper scooper!”

Dad: “What?!”

Child: “I need the pooper scooper! I pooped like [Family Dog]; I need to clean it!”

(It slowly set in that the kid pooped on the lawn like the dog. I almost choked trying not to laugh. Famous mom and dad looked mortified. I still laugh about it. It was awesome then to see them embarrassed and it’s awesome now after potty-training my own kid eight years later. I still tease my ex-boyfriend that dogs teach his siblings more.)

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Not So Happy Feet

| Friendly | October 1, 2016

(I’m on a trip with family to a popular theme park, and I’m wearing shoes that are comfy but have unfortunately gotten wet and quite smelly. I’m forced to wear them because I don’t have another pair with me. This event occurs when I’m getting on a ride and there are three men behind me.)

Man #1: “What was that smell?”

Man #2: “I thought it was you.”

Man #1: “No, bro, I thought it was you.”

Man #3: “It smelled like someone’s feet.”

All Men: “Yeah.”

Man #3: “Do my feet smell that bad?”

(Sorry, guys! I didn’t know that it was bad enough to be wafting backwards! I had to wear the shoes the whole day and I still have to wear them tomorrow! Can’t wait for the plane ride back!)

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