(This is a church festival, and food is made fresh on site and kept warm over burners. We have just opened the food tent when an old lady walks up.)

Customer: “Do you work here?”

Me: “Yes. All of us in this shirt are volunteers.”

Customer: “Okay, I will take a grilled cheese, some baked beans, and a coffee.”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but we do not have those items. All of our food items are on that large board over there.”

Customer: “You don’t have those? What kind of place that has food doesn’t have coffee?”

Me: “Sorry for the inconvenience; can I interest you in something off the menu?”

Customer: “Unless you put grilled cheese, baked beans, and coffee on it, I don’t want anything.”

(It’s May, and a guest walks in to get a room. I go about putting in the info and pulling up his name then see that he’s on our “Do Not Rent” list. I tell him I can’t rent to him and he’d have to stay at another hotel.)

Guest: *in a whiny voice* “But why?!”

Me: “Well, it’s noted that you were seriously intoxicated the whole time, you wouldn’t stay in your room, and you were naked through it all.”

Guest: “But that’s what I wanted to do.”

Me: “Well, you can’t do that here.”

Guest: “But I came here to be safe!”

Me: “But all our other guests obviously don’t feel safe with you around.”

Guest: “Well, how long ago was that?”

Me: “Last February.”

Guest: “But that was so long ago!”

(By this point I’m looking at him like he’s an idiot.)

Me: “Not really.”

Guest: “What am I supposed to do, then?!”

Me: “Go to another hotel.”

Guest: “But—”

Me: “There’s one down the street.”

Guest: *quietly* “Thank you.” *walks out*

(I have just gotten off the phone with a solicitation call. While I know it is a solicitation call, my boss requires me to take down all messages and make notes on all the phone calls I receive. I’m then to pass the messages along with my notes to the appropriate individuals and let them handle things from there. This message is for an attorney who is known for being a jerk towards non-attorneys, whereas his paralegal is a sweet older woman who doesn’t put up with his attitude. Per protocol, I make my way to deliver the message to the paralegal who is standing around chatting with the attorney. They both look over the message and the attorney scoffs.)

Attorney: “Let me ask you something: do you think I’m going to call this person back?”

Me: “Honestly, no. As my notes say, the caller was trying to solicit information about one of our clients and became flustered when I wouldn’t give any. However, I believe a note should be should be made in the client’s file in the event that it happens again.”

Attorney: “So, if you know all that, why do you bother [Paralegal] and me with these kind of things?”

(I can tell the paralegal is going to speak up, but my mouth gets the better of me and I cannot help being direct.)

Me: “If you choose to throw away the message and not do anything, it’s called a decision, and you move on. If I choose to do the same, it’s called job incompetence, and I risk being let go. Now, if you don’t mind, I have to get back to work.”

(I turned around and headed towards my desk. As I was walking away, I could hear the paralegal laughing and telling the attorney he deserved my attitude.)

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(A customer picks up a $0.39 pack of gum.)

Customer: “Hey! Is this with tax included?”

Me: “No, sir, tax is added at the register.”

Customer: “Then, why is it 39 cents? It should be 35 cents. The other store had it for 35 cents!”

Me: “Sir, here our gum is 39 cents.”

Customer: “Well, give it to me for 35 cents.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. I can’t do that.”

Customer: “That’s f****** ridiculous! I can’t believe you’re willing to lose a customer over four f****** cents! I’M NEVER COMING TO THIS STORE AGAIN!”

(The customer stormed out of the store only to come back the next day.)

(A customer custom-orders a large amount — over $1000 worth — of solid brass hardware for kitchen cupboards from one of our vendor’s catalogues. A week later, she returns it and custom-orders another large amount of kitchen hardware. This, too, she returns a week later. She tries to place a third custom order.)

Me: “I should let you know in advance, ma’am, that we are no longer allowed to return special orders placed from here on out.” *I point to the policy which is on the counter*

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Our vendors will not accept returns on opened items.” *I gesture to a box with her two previous returns in it* “We are stuck with merchandise that’s difficult to move, and it’s a major financial burden on a store our size. Why don’t we order one pull for you to see and decide if you like it?”

Customer: “I won’t know if I like the look until I’ve had them all installed in my kitchen for a few days! This is unbelievable! This is why small businesses are going out of business. No customer service!”

(At this point, she hurls one of the cabinet knobs at me, knocking down a display.)

Me: “Actually, ma’am, we are only going out of business because we deal with unreasonable expectations from customers. You have five seconds to get out of the shop before I call police.”