Their Statement Speaks Volumes

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “I can’t get the volume on my phone to go up.”

Me: “Okay, I can assist with that. See the buttons on the left side of your device?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “You push them in the up direction.”

Customer: “Oh, okay!”

(I hear some rustling around.)

Customer: “I can’t seem to get them off. Isn’t there some way for you to turn it up from there?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. The only way you can turn up your volume is by pushing those buttons. They are the volume buttons.”

Customer: “Is there a supervisor I can speak to? I think they can turn my phone up for me.”

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How To Connect To The Printernet

, , , , | Right | April 6, 2011

(A customer calls in complaining that her internet wasn’t working. I begin walking through the troubleshooting steps.)

Me: “Is the modem plugged into the power outlet?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Is the modem connected to the cable jack? And, are the lights all on it?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “And the modem is plugged directly into the computer?”

Caller: “Yes, with a USB cable.”

(About ten minutes pass of me trying to figure out the problem, to no avail.)

Caller: “I don’t understand it! Everything is plugged in right, the cable is connected to the modem, and the modem is plugged into the printer!”

Me: “Wait, the printer?”

Caller: “Yeah, it’s plugged into the printer. The printer is plugged into the computer so it will go through it.”

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Reaching Crunch Time

, , | Right | April 5, 2011

Customer: “I’d like a scoop of chocolate.”

Me: “Cup or cone?”

Customer: “Do you have any edible cones?”

Me: “All of our cones are edible.”

Customer: “Can I take it with me on the beach?”

Me: “All cones are entirely portable.”

Customer: “Do you have any that don’t crunch?”

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No Omelettes Are Totally Waffle

, , , , | Right | April 5, 2011

Me: “And here’s your waffle, sir, with bacon on the side.”

Customer: “What? No, I didn’t order this. I ordered the bacon egg and cheese omelette.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I have it written down that you got a waffle with bacon. I will have to fix that.”

Customer’s Wife: “No, you will not. He ordered the waffle. I heard him.”

Customer: “No, I didn’t. I specifically ordered the omelette. I know I did.”

Customer’s wife: “No, honey! We had the conversation on which one you were going to get. You told me you were going to get the omelette, and it surprised me when you didn’t.”

Customer: “Then why didn’t you say something?”

Customer’s wife: “Because you always ask my opinion, and say that’s what you’ll do. Then you change your mind! I just figured you were ignoring my opinion again!”

Customer: “Well, fine. I guess I’ll have to eat this.”

Me: “Are you sure? I can change it.?”

Customer: “Actually, would you?”

Customer’s Wife: “No! You ordered it, you eat it.”

Customer: *to me:* “That’s what she says to the kids.”

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His Movie Choice Is Rock Solid

, , , | Right | April 5, 2011

(I’m selling tickets. An elderly man walks up with his two granddaughters.)

Customer: “What movies do you have for kids?”

Me: “Well, we have Gnomeo and Juliet in regular or 3D or Tangled.”

Customer:Ga-nomeo and Juliet. We’ve already seen Tangled.”

Me: “Yes. Gnomeo and Juliet is really the only other movie we have for kids.”

Customer: “Okay. Two little ladies and one really old guy for Ga-nomeo and Juliet.” *pauses* “I’m so old, I invented rocks.”

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