(My partner and I have a little routine. I say, “How did you get so cute?” and he says “Radioactive cute-onium!” This time, though, he has a cold.)

Me: “How’d you get so cute?”

Partner: “Um, I think it’s because of all the non-cute substances I’m expelling from my body.”

Me: “Fair. Enough.”

I’m cashiering at a big chain store, and a mother and her two kids come through my lane. The little girl is calmly sitting in the cart, while her older brother is climbing under the cart, despite his mom telling him to stop.

We have stickers at the registers to hand out to kids, so I ask if anyone wants one. I hand one to the little girl, and the boy climbs out from under the cart to grab one. I try to make the mom’s life easier and tell him, “This means you can’t go back under the cart, all right?”

At first, my ploy seems to work… until the boy puts the sticker back on my counter and climbs back under the cart.

At least he gave the sticker back?

(I’m dining out with my wife and ten-year-old daughter. The waitress is handing out the silverware.)

Waitress: “Is it okay if I give your daughter a knife?”

Me: “That’s fine.”

Daughter: *after waitress leaves* “She didn’t think I could use a knife?”

Me: “I can’t imagine why.”

(We immediately began sword fighting until my wife made us stop.)

(I’m the dumb customer in this one. I’m at a farmer’s market looking for some seedlings for a few herbs I’d like to grow. I live in an apartment so I can’t have a proper garden. I also don’t have much of a green thumb, so I approach the nice woman at the stall to ask about growing plants in pots. This is what happens, instead.)

Me: “What do you know about growing pot plants?”

Worker: *wide-eyed stare*

(Luckily, I realized my mistake before things got TOO awkward.)

(I work for a worldwide retailer as a cashier. I sell questionable things, but also have very questionable customers. This one is a definite doozy of a character.)

Me: “Your total with your cigarettes is going to be [total].”

Customer #1: “All right. The chip reader works, right?”

(He pays and then leaves with his carton of cigarettes and receipt.)

Customer #2: “Next month he’s going to hate you since prices are going up to nine dollars!” *laughs loudly*

Me: “Well, that’s fine; I won’t be here for much longer! I’ll be moving to Charlotte.” *laughs with him as I ring up his items*

Customer #2: “Oh! Stay away from downtown! That’s where those gays and blacks live!”

Me: “O-oh…”

(I’m not only half-black, but a woman engaged to another woman.)

Customer #2: “Don’t want to be around them; they live in those projects and community housings and what not!” *happily pays for his things and leaves*

Ex-Coworker: *also in line* “Did… that just happen?”