Married To The Merry Murderesses

, , , | Romantic | June 14, 2017

(My husband and I share a girlfriend, with whom we live. We share everything pretty equally, including sometimes stealing each other’s clothes, which usually takes the form of our girlfriend or I stealing Hubby’s pajamas. Hubby is outside, while our girlfriend and I are in the bedroom, folding laundry.)

Me: *grabbing a pair of Hubby’s pajama pants* “I can see why you steal these; they’re really comfy.”

Girlfriend: “I know he sometimes gets annoyed, but it’s his fault for having such comfy clothes.”

Me: “He had it coming.”

Girlfriend: *singing* “He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame.”

Me: *also singing* “If you’d’a been there, if you’d’a seen it, I betchya you would have done the same.”

Girlfriend: “Good thing he wasn’t in here, we may have worried him.”

Me: “At least he’s seen Chicago, so he’d probably just roll his eyes. Otherwise I’m sure he would’ve backed away slowly…”

(Of course, he was outside the bedroom window, so he probably heard us anyway.)

This Is Making Them Very (Past) Tense

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2017

(I work at an airport in New York City. A customer approaches, looking confused after looking over the arriving flights monitor.)

Customer: “Excuse me, sir?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “What’s the difference between ‘Landing’ and ‘Landed’?”

Not Even A Lump Of Truth

, , , | Related | June 14, 2017

(My mother straight up lies about health problems to get attention. She’s been like that my entire life, and I’m unfortunately the only one of her children who can see it. I’ve gotten some bad news and take the family out for dinner to break it to them.)

Me: “So I know this was planned last minute, but I figured we should all talk a bit.”

Youngest Sister: “Yeah, Dad went to the doctor! It’s good news!”

Stepfather: “Tumor isn’t cancerous. Simple surgery and I’m good.”

Me: “That’s awesome!”

Middle Sister: “Yeah, and Mom—”

Mother: “I have a lump. The doctors are worried. It could be life threatening. They’re already talking chemo.”

Me: *suspicious* “Where’s the lump?”

Mother: “On my neck. It’s small. You can’t see it.”

Brother: “Wait, you said it was on your chest, and that it was big.”

Mother: “No, no. It’s on my neck, near my thyroid.”

Me: *quietly* “I highly doubt that.”

Middle Sister: “What do you mean you doubt that? Mom could have cancer!”

Me: “No, she has an imaginary lump that’s already changed places. She’s upset that [Stepfather] got all that attention about his tumor, so now she’s decided she needs one, too.”

Mother: “I have a tumor! It’s on my thyroid!”

Me: “Which doctor did you go to?”

Mother: “I don’t have to prove anything to you!”

Me: “I called you and invited you all out to dinner because I found out yesterday that I have thyroid cancer. So, mother, please enlighten me about this tiny lump so small that you can’t even see it has your doctors worried and already talking chemo. How did you discover the lump? How do you know it’s a tumor? When was the biopsy? Is it malignant or benign? Why chemo and not radiation?” *uncomfortable silence* “Yeah, I thought so. When you stop lying, feel free to call me about [Stepfather]’s surgery. Otherwise, I don’t want to hear anything from you.”

(She tried to keep up the act for a while, gaining sympathy via social media about her “mysterious lump” that disappeared after a week or so. Then she was convinced she had pneumonia after the family all caught a cold. Then she was in the hospital because she “collapsed.” I found out she went to the ER by herself for no reason. Eventually everyone caught on and stopped paying her any mind. None of us kids talk to her anymore if we can help it.)

This Friendship Is Turning Bitter

, , , , | Friendly | June 14, 2017

(My friend and I are at an amusement park. We’re both hungry, so we decide to buy French fries from a restaurant the park is famous for. They offer malt vinegar in small packets, and my friend grabs a few.)

Friend: *opens packets of vinegar, then drinks all of them* “That was a really bad idea. I need water!”

(The park offers souvenir cups that are $1 to refill for the entire season.)

Friend: *returning* “The line was too long. And I don’t have a dollar. I’ll just suffer.”

Me: “Why the h*** would you drink malt vinegar in the first place?!”

Friend: “…shut up. I like the taste.”

Gimme More Answers

, , , | Learning | June 14, 2017

(In class, the teacher is reading aloud an Aztec legend about the discovery of music. We’re just at the part where Quetzalcoatl hears music for the first time.)

Teacher: *reading story* “Quetzalcoatl thought to himself, ‘It’s beautiful! It’s alive!’”

Classmate: *in the most perfect imitation I’ve ever heard* “It’s Britney, b****.”

(The teacher was laughing too hard to punish the student for swearing.)

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