I am training a member of staff. A moody customer comes up to our counter.

Customer: *Loudly* “I want a large [meal]. And use only one plate! I am not carrying a bunch of crap!”

Trainee: *Quietly, to me* “Doesn’t [meal] come on three plates?”

Me: *Resigned* “Yes.”

I watch the trainee carefully stack each item onto the plate as demanded, attempting to keep the items separated. It clearly does not meet the customer’s standards.

Customer: *Yelling* “What the f***?! Can you see this slop?!”

Me: *Calmly* “A large [meal], on one dish as requested. What isn’t meeting your standards today?”

Customer: “Everything’s slopped together! When I eat, I expect my food not touching!”

Me: “You requested a single plate for our largest meal. Unfortunately, our plates are only—”

Customer: *Cutting me off* “Your d***ed employee should have used a larger plate! I am the customer, I am right! You will fix this!”

Trainee: “Sir! You can read. The menu says [meal] comes on three plates. You demanded one plate, so clearly you read the menu. What did you expect?”

After a beat, the customer throws the plate of steaming food at me before booming that he is going to “beat some sense” into my trainee. With the sudden threat, I quickly position myself between them.

Me: “He’s new. It doesn’t excuse what he said, and I’ll handle it. Clearly, you’re upset. Please come and see my supervisor. I’ll personally fill him in while you rest comfortably.”

I led my trainee to my boss’s office. I explained what happened while my boss helped me clean up and bandage the burns on my arms. I didn’t want to press charges, but I did want this customer banned. My boss said he would handle it and left us to wait in his office.

Some time passed and my boss returned to fill us in. The customer was still angry when my boss got there and demanded he be allowed to handle the trainee. My boss refused and looked for a solution that would allow this customer to go home and not to jail, but he kept refusing and eventually swung at him!

After my boss slammed him onto the ground, the customer called the police claiming assault. When the police arrived, everything was explained and the police asked if my boss wanted to press charges. He said no, but the customer was banned.

The police explained to the customer what “banned” meant. He didn’t take the news well and went for the cops. He was arrested and guaranteed three free meals a day. I hope he likes them better than ours.

I have finally taken some time off, and I have my nephews come over for a staycation. On day three of my vacation, my phone rings and I foolishly answer. It is the head cashier from work. 

Head Cashier: “Heyyyy, [My Name], this is [Head Cashier] from [Home Improvement Store]! How are you?”

Me: “I’m fine. What’s up?”

Head Cashier: “I was wondering if you could possibly come in and close tonight. We had a ton of call-offs.”

Me: “I’m on vacation.”

Head Cashier: “Okay, so… you want to come in?”

Me: *Facepalms* “Nope.”

Head Cashier: “Why not?”

Me: “Because I’m on vacation. I’m not working for another [number] days.”

Head Cashier: “But we really need someone to cover! Half the girls have called off today!”

Me: “Bummer. But you’ll have to call somebody else, as I’m on vacation.”

Head Cashier: “But—”

Me: “No. See you in [number] days, [Head Cashier].” *Click*

I walked in after my vacation was over, and a manager tried to chastise me for an inappropriate drawing that had been hung up in the break room. I told him that it wasn’t mine, and he said that one of the cashiers claimed I had hung it up before leaving.

I asked him when it had been found, and it turns out it had been hung on the same day I had refused to come in. I told him point-blank that I had been away on vacation for three days at that point and had refused to end my vacation to come in on that day.

He dropped the matter pretty quickly. I found out later that the group of gals who had called off were part of what we soon dubbed the “Cool Kids Club,” and they had all been closing that day and wanted to go party together. Somehow, they get away with just about everything, call off all the time, and never get reprimanded, not even for insubordination. 

I started screening my calls properly from then on.

Our store is moving. All our signage is down. There’s a note on the door explaining. The front room is completely empty, except for our front counter. It’s been taken apart and stacked in a corner. The door is unlocked because the owners are on their way back to pick up another load to take to storage. I’m in the back room, cleaning.

Woman: “Hello. Hello.”

I peek out the doorway to see an older woman standing in the empty front room, holding a box. She sees me step out in shorts and a tank top, covered in sweat and dust from the back room.

Woman: “Oh, hello. I’d like to ship this.”

Me: “Ma’am, we’re closed.”

Woman: “Oh, but your door was open.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, but there was a note on it. We’re moving the store to a new location.”

Woman: “Oh, okay.” *Long pause* “So, can you ship this for me?”

Me: “No, ma’am, all my computers are already packed away.”

Woman: “Do you need your computers to ship this?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Woman: “You know, in my day, we didn’t have any computers. We had to do all the calculations in our head.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Another long pause.

Woman: “So, when will you be able to ship this for me?”

Me: “If you go to our new location when it opens, we can ship it for you then.”

Woman: “But not today?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Woman: “Because your computers are down?”

There is another pause where I reject the idea of explaining again.

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Woman: “Do you know where I can ship it out today?”

Me: “If you take it down to the post office, they can probably get it out for you today.”

Woman: “Are their computers working?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I believe so.”

Woman: “You know, it would really be better if you learned how to do the calculations without a computer.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. I’ll let the owners know. You have a great day.”

Woman: “You, too, dearest. I hope your computers come back up soon.”

She left. I glanced around the empty room, questioning what had just happened.

My friend is watching my Maine Coon while I’m out of town for a few weeks, sometimes staying the night so the cat isn’t alone. The cat is on a vet-approved diet to lose a few pounds, so no kitty treats, only a measured amount of food. One night, [Friend] calls me via video chat.

Me: “Hey, what’s up?”

Friend: “Your cat is a fat b*****d.”

Me: “Yes. And?”

Friend: “I decided to get a rotisserie chicken for dinner here tonight and your cat was sitting by the table, watching me eat it. He kept trying to reach up and steal a piece and I kept pushing him back down. I told him he wasn’t allowed and he got very upset.”

Me: “Yes, he’s horribly neglected and wasting away. I know; he tells me all the time.”

Friend: “I went to the garage to get a beer from the fridge out there and I came back and saw this.”

He turns the camera to see an empty plate on the table.

Me: “Oh, no.”

He shows me the tell-tale trail leading off the table, across the kitchen, and into the living room, and then stops on my cat trying to drag the chicken under a recliner. Unfortunately, the chair is too low for my huge cat and his prey, so he resorts to trying to pick the carcass clean, grumbling, and making eye contact with [Friend].

Friend: “He won’t let me take it.”

Me: *Laughing* “I’m so sorry. I’ll send you money for another one.”

Friend: “Oh, no, I was pretty much done with it. I’m just showing you what a greedy brat you’ve raised.”

I did send money anyway, both for the chicken and to cover the carpet cleaning. Eventually, [Friend] did wrestle the chicken away, though he paid with his skin. And, if you’re wondering, my cat is almost to his appropriate weight.

I work with preschoolers at a daycare. I have a little girl who is incredibly smart but also can have incredibly silly moments. It is the end of daylight saving time, and as such, it gets dark before some of the kids leave. I decide to use this as a teachable moment and talk about the sunset. I turn their attention to the outside and they notice that it’s dark. I ask them why, and they all look at me with blank stares. I explain to them that the sun went down — the sun set.

Girl: *Gasp* “We have to set the sun!”

I was so surprised, I didn’t know how to respond. I think I just said that the sun had already set, so we didn’t have to worry about it. We talked some more about how the earth turns, which is why we have day and night, and how the earth goes around the sun, which is why we have seasons and years. For the next week, some of those kids would come up to me and tell me, “The earth goes around the sun!” which made my teacher heart happy.