Containing This Monkey Business

, , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I work in the front office of a local appliance company. On this particular day I’m busy with something at my desk when in my peripheral vision I see a customer walk by wheeling something in front of him. Since he is heading in the direction of our service department I just assume he is pushing something on a dolly to be looked at. I don’t think anything of it. A few minutes later we hear a strange noise like an animal chattering.)

Coworker: “What was that?”

Me: “If someone brought a bird in here, I’m leaving. I hate birds.”

Coworker: “Maybe it was the wheels of that guy’s cart squeaking against the floor.”

(I remember a story one of my other coworkers had told me about an animal someone had brought in once before, but I wasn’t ready to believe it would happen again. That is, until the man with the cart walks by again and I see that he isn’t pushing an appliance on a dolly, he is wandering back and forth through the store with a cage containing two monkeys.)

Me: “He’s got a monkey!”

Coworker: “Oh, man, the monkey lady is back.”

(The man left the store a moment later with the monkeys and shortly following, the lady in question came up to pay for her order. When she left the owner came out of his office.)

Owner: “Last time she had the thing sitting on her shoulder. Which was fine until it jumped onto another customer’s back. Fortunately they didn’t mind but if it had been someone else we could’ve been in real trouble.”

Coworker: “And when she came to pay last time it was picking up pens off the counter and throwing them while she laughed and said ‘you’re a naughty little monkey!’”

Owner: “So we told her if she ever brought it back with her it had to be contained. She kept asking why, like she couldn’t understand that a lot of people don’t like monkeys.”

(At least she did end up listening!)

North By North-Squiggly

, , | Related | June 13, 2017

(My sister and I are both at our grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving. I’m not sure how, but somehow the topic reaches how bad I am at giving directions because I don’t remember street names well.)

Sister: “Do you even know how to get home?!”

Me: *pointing to the left* “Yeah, it’s that way.”

Sister: “That way! That way is called ‘East.'”

Me: *getting frustrated* “’That way’ is still that way. Whether it’s called ‘East’ or ‘Squiggly’ makes no difference to me.”

Sugared With Stupidity

, , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I work at a coffee shop where we offer flavored coffee. The standard question is “would you like cream or sugar?”. This happens on drive-thru.)

Me: “Good afternoon, what can I get started for you?”

Customer: “Give me a hot caramel mocha.”

Me: “Cream and sugar?”

Customer: “What?!”

Me: “Would you like cream and sugar?”

Customer: “Why are you asking me that? Are you stupid? It doesn’t come with either!”

Me: “Okay, so, no cream and no sugar.”

Customer: “What the f*** are you talking about?”

Me: “Anything else?”

Customer: “Learn how to make coffee, idiot.” *pulls to window* “Can you add cream and sugar?”

Me: “…”

A Fee-ble Excuse For A Refund

, , , | Working | June 13, 2017

(I’m on the phone with a major airline trying to pay for my son’s infant-in-arms ticket. The website let me add his ticket but not pay for it and I know from prior experience that I need to brave customer service and call in. Then, after a lot of holding and back and forth… this happens:)

Representative: “Okay, so there are two fare options on that ticket: $87, which is non-refundable and can’t be changed or $99, which can be changed with the applicable change fee and is our recommended ticket.”

Me: “That’s not bad. How much is the change fee on this kind of ticket?”

Representative: “$200.”

Me: “…I’ll do the $87 ticket.”

Representative: “But it can’t be changed. You’ll lose the full amount if you change plans. If you get the $99 ticket, you can change the ticket and just pay the change fee.”

Me: “Which is $200, yes?”

Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”

(Silently banging my head against the wall and fearing for humanity…)

Me: “I’ll take the $87 ticket.”

Short Changing Their Tune

, , , , , | Right | June 13, 2017

(I’m about 17 at the time and cashiering on a particularly busy Saturday morning. A customer walks up to my register and tosses a pack of gum on the belt.)

Customer: “Just this, please.”

Me: “Sure! Your total will be $1.”

(He hands me a $5, I hand him his change and gum. He just stands there, staring at me…)

Me: “Is there something else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I gave you a $50.”

Me: “Actually, you gave me a $5. Minus the $1 for gum, your change is $4.”

Customer: “No, I gave you a $50! You short-changed me! Open up your register right now and give me the rest of my change!”

Me: “Let me grab a manager. They’re the only ones who can open my register in between transactions.”

(This is not exactly true, but I suspect something fishy and I want a manager to take a look. I flag down my direct supervisor, who does not like me all that much.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “I gave her a $50 for this gum and she only gave me $4 in change! I demand you open the register and give me the rest of my money!”

Me: *quietly, to the manager* “He gave me a five.”

Manager: *nods* “I’m really sorry about this, sir. What I’m going to do is take her drawer to the back and count it. That way, we can give you the right amount of change back. It should just be a few minutes while we take care of this.”

Customer: *nervously* “WHAT?! No, no. You really don’t have to do that. I’m fine without my change, honest. I don’t need it that badly.”

Manager: “Sir, I heard you shouting from across the store. Obviously this is important to you and we want to make sure our customers get the correct amount of money back. Right, [My Name]?”

Me: *not entirely sure what she is getting at* “Of course…?”

(The manager pops my drawer out of the register and carries it to the back. The customer starts pacing back and forth, muttering under his breath about how unnecessary it all is, etc. while fumbling through his wallet. Ten minutes later, my supervisor walks back out and puts my drawer in the register.)

Manager: “I had two people count her drawer and it balanced both times. As a result—”

Customer: “No, it’s ok. I actually found the $50 in my wallet. I did give you a $5. Isn’t that funny?” *laughs nervously and runs out of the store*

Manager: “Well, that was obviously a short change artist. Good job, [My Name].” *walks away*

(I was stunned, not by the customer, but by the fact that this particular manager acknowledged that I’d done a good job!)

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