I work internal IT for a big retail company. With everything going on lately, we’ve transitioned to mostly work-from-home for all our corporate users.

User: “I have a laptop, but I need to learn a new software, so I got another laptop and I can’t sign in.”

Me: “Is it a [Company] laptop or a personal one? And is this a Windows or a Mac?”

User: “It’s the laptop; I think it’s Windows.”

Me: “How did you get this laptop? Did it come from asset management?”

User: “Um, no. It came from a coworker.”

Me: “Okay, unfortunately, you won’t be able to sign on from home the first time. You’ll need to get it on the network so it can talk to your account. I know some of the corporate offices are closed, so if you can get to one of the stores, that’ll work, too.”

User: “I have my manager’s approval to use this.”

Me: “I understand that, but if the computer isn’t on the network then it can’t grab your account information.”

User: “Would it change if my manager talked to that asset whatever team?”

Me: “Unfortunately, not really. Even if they said this situation was one where they could make the change to allow the first-time login from home, they’d still need to get it on the network in order to update the account.”

User: “Are you sure? My manager said I could use it.”

Me: “I understand that; however, it still needs to talk to the network to verify your account.”

User: “But the coworker who gave this to me should still be able to sign in, right?”

Me: “As long as they know the most recent password that this workstation cached. However, they shouldn’t be sharing their credentials with you.”

User: “Are you sure I have to get it to the store?”

Me: “Yes.”

User: *Sighs* “Fine, thanks. Bye.”

It is late at night in my diner when the phone rings.

Me: “[Restaurant], this is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Can I get—” *Starts saying their order*

Me: “I’m sorry, but we can’t take orders over the phone after ten o’clock.”

Caller: “Why the f*** not?!”

Me: “Because too many people have forgotten to pick up their food in the past.”

Caller: “Make an exception for me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. You can talk to the manager in the morning, but I can’t take your order unless you actually come in.”

Caller: “Do it anyway! I’m only ten minutes away!”

Me: “Great! We’ll see you when you get here!” *Click*

I work in a mom-and-pop pizza place; I’ve been there for about three months. I generally show up about twenty minutes early every day and am asked to start working right away. I’m always willing, but I clock in first.

One day, the owners come to talk to me.

Owners: “Why do you always clock in early?”

Me: “I’m always asked to start working when I get here, and I always get here early.”

Owners: “You can’t clock in early. Just work off the clock for that time. We will change your time card to reflect what time you are supposed to start.”

Keep in mind, all of my coworkers have gotten used to me getting there early, so sometimes they leave early.

The next day, I was scheduled to work at 5:00. As usual, the day crew expected me to be there early and work, so three of the four workers clocked off at 4:30. Since I was told that I wouldn’t get paid, I decided to show up at 4:59. I clocked in right at 5:00.

In the half-hour that those three people were off, $200 worth of food was ordered.

I’ve been waiting in a very long and slow line, and I’m just paying for my sub. It’s an older woman’s turn to order, and there is still a long line behind her. She apparently didn’t figure out what she wanted to order while waiting in the aforementioned long and slow line, and she is brainstorming to the employee.

Customer: “Well, I don’t want bacon. Hmm. The turkey bacon guacamole is really great, but you’re out of guacamole. That’s what I normally get, you know. It’s very good! Well, I really want flat meat. You know what I mean? Flat meat? Turkey’s a flat meat, right?”

I was so glad I wasn’t behind her!

Related:
Holy Guacamole! Part 3
Holy Guacamole! Part 2
Holy Guacamole!

I am a manager at a video game store. In my off time at home, I often play PC games with my wife. In particular, we both like RuneScape, a medieval-themed MMORPG. One of my coworkers is also into RuneScape; he often talks and brags about his achievements to customers, much to their — and my — irritation. He has also had a habit of showing up late from time to time, and in some cases not showing up at all. This story takes place on my day off. My wife and I are playing a minigame on RuneScape when an announcement appears in chat.

Announcement: “News: [Coworker’s Username] has just achieved level 99 in all skills!”

Wife: “Wow, he finally maxed!”

Me: “Indeed. Shame he felt it necessary to skip out the morning shift to get it though, am I right?”

Wife: “I guess.”

Me: “Ah, well. I’ll congratulate him tomorrow. Maxing is a big achievement, after all.”

When he came in to work the following day, I congratulated him on maxing his account… and then fired him for excessive lateness because he was already on his last chance. Ironically, his RuneScape account would get banned a month later for using an unauthorized third-party bot program.