Swimmer: “Could you please close the doors? There’s a draft coming into the pool.”

Me: “Sure.”

(After closing the pool, a customer watching her child swim calls me over.)

Mother: “Could you please leave the doors open? I’m claustrophobic.”

Me: “Of course!”

(After opening the doors again, the swimmer talks to me.)

Swimmer: “Why are the doors open?”

Me: “A customer here is claustrophobic, and asked me to leave the doors open.”

Swimmer: *yelling angrily* “What’s more important, her claustrophobia, or my comfort?”

This story is part of the Entitled Customers roundup!

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Old Lady: *shouting randomly* “Marge? Marge?”

Me: “Are you okay?”

Old Lady: *worriedly* “I can’t find Marge!”

Me: “I’ll see if I can find someone to help you.”

Old Lady: “Please don’t go. You must help me find Marge!”

Me: “Okay, what does she look like?”

Old Lady: “Who?”

Me: “Your friend Marge?”

Old Lady: “I’m looking for margarine. It should be next to the butter!”

This story is part of our Weird Words roundup!

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(A customer is visiting South Devon where there are a lot of tourist attractions including a very popular model village. He has just been on a tour and is now looking out over the town from a hillside.)

Customer: “You have a good view here. Is that the Model Village over there?”

Me: “No, sir. That is an example of perspective.”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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(Two tourists are buying London Underground train tickets to Notting Hill.)

Tourist #1: “Where are we going?”

Tourist #2: “Notting Hill. It’s where Robin of Sherwood is from.”

This story is part of the More Clueless Tourists roundup!

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(We have a pay-point for customers who pay for their gas and electricity on a pay-as-you-go plan.)

Me: “Hi there, how can I help?”

(The customer pushes £20 note and a gas card into my hand.)

Customer: “I want £10 back.”

Me: “So you want £10 on the gas with £10 change?”

Customer: “No, I want £20 on the gas and £10 cash-back. You know, cash-back? Like from the till?

Me: “I’m afraid we only offer cash-back when you’re paying with a debit card.”

Customer: “I don’t have a debit card. Can’t you do it anyway?”

Me: “No. Cash-back is money taken from your debit account. Like it’s from an ATM.”

Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Me: “Well, you’re asking for £10 cash-back without paying for it from an account. You’re basically asking for me to give you free money.”

Customer: “Isn’t that how it works?”

This story is part of the More-Customers-Bad-With-Money roundup!

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