Caller: “Hi, I’ve placed an order some weeks back and I’m just chasing up when it might be delivered.”

Me: “Certainly, just bear with me a moment. I’ll just need to track it on the computer.”

(I proceed to log on to the order system, having a bit of difficulty as I’m only able to type with one hand while the other holds the phone.)

Me: “Sorry, bear with me a moment; it’s quite difficult to type with one hand.”

Caller: *in a sincere tone* “Why have you only got one hand?”

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(We sometimes lose shoes and are stuck with one which we can’t sell. When this happens and it is a man’s shoe for the right foot, we sell them very cheaply to a war veteran who only has one leg. On this day, the veteran has just paid for one. There is a man behind him in the queue.)

Customer: “Why does he get those shoes so cheaply?”

Me: “Because he is only buying the right shoe, not a pair.”

Customer: “Why would he want just one?”

Me: “Because he only has one leg. He lost the other in combat.”

Customer: “Yeah, but even if he lost one leg, he’s still got two feet, right?”

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(A client calls us requesting we email him a scan of a document. We promptly send this over to him and he calls back almost immediately.)

Client: “This scan you have sent me only has one page of the document and the rest of it is pornography!”

Me: “I’m sorry? There is certainly no chance that this contains any pornography. It looks perfectly fine from our end.

Client: “But there is. I am looking at it right now!”

Me: “Which button are you clicking?  The one that says ‘Next Page’ or ‘Next Document’?”

Client: “Why does that matter?”

Me: “Well, if you are clicking Next Document, you are currently looking at all of the pornography that you have recently been viewing on your computer.”

Client: “F***!” *hangs up*

(A tourist is in line to get a ticket.)

Tourist: “Can I have a ticket to Loogahgbaroogah?”

Me: “Sorry, where?”

Tourist: “Loogahbaroogah.”

Me: Sir, there is no rail station in the UK called Loogahbaroogah.”

Tourist: “But…”

Me: “Did you mean Loughbrough?” (It’s pronounced ‘Luffbruh’)

(The tourist gets his ticket and walks off, followed by the next customer in line.)

Next Customer: “It’s a good job he didn’t want my ticket. Return to Llanelli, please.”

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(A man comes up to me with a huge bag.)

Customer: “Can I ask an odd question?”

Me: “Go for it.”

Customer: “Would it be okay for me to put my fox costume on and stand in the foyer?”

Me: “Why?”

Customer: “Just for pleasure. I enjoy doing it and the customers would enjoy seeing it.”

Me: “I’ll just check with my manager.”

(I phone the manager and repeat the request. The manager laughs for a few minutes and says no.)

Me: “I’m afraid my manager has said it’s not okay.”

Customer: *looks down sadly* “It’s okay. They said no everywhere else I asked too.” *walks away sadly, dragging the bag with his fox costume in*

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