I work in support for a software company. My coworkers and I have a contest going for the most convoluted process that a customer has gone through to communicate the issue they are having. So far, the winner is a user who showed us what data on their screen was incorrect by:

1. Taking a picture of his computer screen with his phone,
2. Printing out that picture,
3. Highlighting and circling the incorrect data on the printed-out picture,
4. Scanning the printed picture with a scanner, and
5. Inserting the file from the scanner into an Excel document.

So, in summary, we received an Excel sheet with an embedded image of a scan of a picture of the user’s computer screen. The total time of this user’s process was probably about thirty minutes (assuming the printers and scanners worked the first time) compared to the two minutes it would have taken to just use screenshot software or even just use the print screen button.

I’ve got to admire his ingenuity and dedication to get us the information we needed, though.

My cell phone provider has merged with another provider and the transition has been anything but seamless. We have a family plan with three devices. The account is in my name with my phone as the “primary” on the account. The website requires two-factor authentication but doesn’t show my phone as an option for authentication. I decide to try online chat.

I explain my problem to the customer service representative.

Customer Service: “Two-factor authentication is a security issue. We ask for it so that you can be sure that no one but you is accessing your account.”

Me: “Yes, but my phone number isn’t showing as an option so I can’t use it.”

Customer Service: “We are showing both numbers on your account: [number #1] and [number #2].”

Me: “But I have three phones on this account. [Number #1] should be mine, [number #2] is my husband’s, and [number #3] is my son’s.”

Customer Service: “Do you have access to [number #2] or [number #3]?”

Me: “Not at the moment. They aren’t home. The real issue is that I need my number to show up as an option. It’s the main number on the account and the one I always have access to.”

Customer Service: “I’m only showing [number #2] and [number #3] as active.”

I make a quick call to be sure I have service.

Me: “But [number #1]  is currently in my hand and it works.”

Customer Service: “I think you need to clear your cache. Are you using a browser to access the website?”

Me: “Yes, but I fail to see how clearing my cache will make my number show up on your computer.”

The representative sends incorrect instructions to clear the cache.

Me: “First off, those are not correct. The browser was updated months ago and those instructions won’t work. Again, clearing my cache will not affect your computer. If you cannot see the number on the account, there is a problem with the account, not my computer.”

Customer Service: “If you can’t clear your cache, you will need to go into a store.”

Me: “I’m going to need to talk to someone in technical services or your supervisor.”

Customer Service: “If you are unwilling to clear the cache, I will have to end the chat.”

I call tech support from the supposedly inactive phone and explain the issue.

Tech Support: “Wait. What?”

I explain again.

Tech Support: “That. Can’t. Happen. Let me check your account.”

The agent works on my account and finally fixes it.

Tech Support: “I just don’t understand how clearing your cache would make your account change on our servers.”

Me: “Neither do I, but I got disconnected for refusing to follow incorrect directions to solve a problem that didn’t exist.”

Tech Support: “I’m going to put notes in for the supervisor. I hope it helps.”

I didn’t hear back from them, but I do see a random $100 credit on my bill.

A dozen years ago, I worked for the onsite warranty repair vendor of a major PC manufacturer. My clients were primarily help desk techs. They handled minor repairs and software issues, but for major repairs like motherboards, the manufacturer would dispatch us to the client’s offices.

One day, I was dispatched to a small hospital in a semi-rural area about an hour outside of a major city. I contacted the help desk techs, who escorted me back to the IT office. Most IT offices are notoriously messy, but the first thing I saw when I got to this one was a floor-to-ceiling, wall-to-wall fort made out of the manufacturer’s PC boxes, except for an entryway with an arch made out of our keyboard boxes! I was both stunned and doubled over with laughter, and I took a picture of the fort with my phone.

A few weeks later, I met the techs’ boss during an unrelated visit to a different hospital about twenty minutes away. I showed him the picture I took with my phone. He told me that not only did he know about it, but they had named it “Fort Kick-A**”!

I still keep the picture to this day as proof that IT people are insane.

Caller: “My computer isn’t working!”

Me: “Does your monitor not work, or is it the computer itself that’s not powering up?”

Caller: “The lights are working on the computer, but the screen isn’t showing anything.”

Me: “Okay, please check to see if it’s connected to power.”

Caller: “Oh, I must have unplugged it when I put something else in the outlet!”

I hear them unplug something and plug something back in.

Caller: “Yay! The monitor is lighting up!”

Me: “I’m glad we were able to—”

Caller: “Wait! Now the computer’s lights are off! What did you do?!”

I can’t believe I am asking this, but ten-plus years of working in tech support mean I know where this is going.

Me: “Did you, by any chance, unplug the computer when you swapped it for the monitor?”

Caller: “Yes, so?”

Me: “Well, they both need to be plugged in.”

Caller: “At the same time?!”

Related:
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I’ve been at this job of tech support for about six to eight months now. My supervisor likes the numbers I put up, taking a lot of calls and closing a lot of tickets. I make the other Tier 1 techs look bad because of my metrics.

I get into work one day and my supervisor comes up to me and says he’s getting flack from upper management about all the unnecessary open tickets we have. He wants me to go through this list of over 100 tickets and call out to the customers and work them. He says that is my task for the day and to only take inbound calls when I’m finished with this list or if he asks me to help. Across the list are a lot of easy tickets — basically, ones you know are resolved, but you need the customer’s confirmation that the issue is resolved before you close the ticket.

I log into the ticket system and start opening up all the tickets on my list. This takes a little while, and then I start going through the tickets one by one. I call each store location and see whether the issue in the ticket has been resolved or not, and if it hasn’t been, I work with the customer.

I’ve been at the task for about half the day now and I’m close to finishing. Lunchtime comes around and a few of the Tier 1 techs leave to take their lunch. I finish up my work around the time the first group of Tier 1 techs returns from lunch.

All of a sudden, behind me, one of the more irritating people in our group (he’s loud and bossy and complains constantly to management) blurts out:

Coworker: “Who’s AM? Whose initials are AM? They closed a ticket I had opened. I was going to call the customer back after I finished lunch.”

Me: “That’s me. What’s the ticket number?”

Coworker: “Why did you close my ticket? I had it opened first. It was my ticket. I was going to call the customer.”

Me: “The only tickets I worked on were from the list given to me. If I closed a ticket you had grabbed, it was because I was working through the list our supervisor gave me.”

Coworker: “It was MY TICKET!”

[Coworker] is getting loud now and he’s starting to draw attention with his little temper tantrum. What this current situation has come down to is that this coworker grabbed a bunch of these easy tickets so he could pad his numbers; he wanted simple callback tickets where he could just ask the customer if the issue was resolved and then close the ticket. He’s mad because he can’t easily pad his metrics now.

Me: “I did the work I was told. Let it go. We’re working together here for the company.”

Coworker: “I had the ticket first! It was MY TICKET!”

I’ve finally had enough of his temper tantrums and I snap.

Me: “I don’t give a s*** if you grabbed the ticket. It was on my list. I went through this list as I was instructed and I worked on resolving issues for the company. I’m tired of listening to you whine. Shut up! No one wants to hear your baby temper tantrums anymore!”

Coworker: *Quietly, under his breath* “It was my ticket.”

Me: “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

Coworker: *Even more quietly, almost a whisper* “But it was my ticket.”

Me: “It wasn’t your ticket. It was a company ticket. The ticket was resolved and closed. Drop it.”

At least from that day out, my coworker hasn’t thrown his baby temper tantrums anymore.