This took place in the mid-1990s when I was fifteen years old. It was around 11:00 at night when I heard someone tap on my window. I looked out to see two of my best buddies waving at me and gesturing for me to come out. I opened my window.

Me: *Whispering* “Dude! What the h*** are you doing here? You’re gonna get me in trouble!”

Friend: “Dog, you gotta come with us! There’s this smashing party going on at [Boy]’s place! His dad is out for the weekend and he’s got the place to himself! Girls all over the place! You gotta check it out!”

I’d never snuck out of the house before.

Me: “Uhhh… I dunno about that.”

Friend: “[Crush] is there.”

Me: “You serious?”

Friend: “Dead serious. Come on, I told them we were gonna come get you. You’re gonna let everyone down!”

That particular girl being there was all the reason I needed to risk my neck. I quietly got dressed and tiptoed out the back door since the screen in my bedroom window was too difficult to remove and replace.

After spending a good five hours or so frolicking around with everyone and acting like the bunch of high school morons we were, we decided around 4:00 am that we’d all better split and get back home before our luck ran out and someone came looking for us.

I managed to slip back in through the back door and was tiptoeing back to my room when I heard a toilet flush and my mom emerged from the bathroom with a groggy look on her face. And there I was, standing in the middle of the hallway, fully dressed and reeking of cigarettes and beer (neither of which my parents had).

Mom: “What are you doing?”

Me: “I heard a weird noise in the shed so I just went to check it out.”

Mom: “You got dressed up like that to—” *sniffing* “OH, H*** NO! [Dad], get out here now!”

My parents were having some serious marital issues at the time, to the point where they were sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Mom: *Banging on my dad’s door* “GET OUT HERE, [DAD]!”

No answer.

In a rage, my mom threw the door open and ripped the blanket off my dad’s bed to reveal an empty bed. Puzzled, my mom looked outside to see his car missing from the driveway, and then, she picked up the phone.

Mom: “Hello, is [Dad] there?” *Pause* “This is [Mom]; I am [Dad]’s wife. Did he have a graveyard shift tonight?” *Pause* “He hasn’t had one all this year?!” *Pause* “Really now?!” *Pause* “Thank you!” *Slamming the phone down* “If this is some kind of prank, somebody better say something now because I’m about to go homicidal! Get back in bed! Don’t think you’re off the hook!”

I got back in bed with an “I’m-so-dead” feeling of impending doom hovering over me.

Around six am, I woke up to hear:

Mom: “WHERE IN THE H*** HAVE YOU BEEN?!”

Dad: “I got called in for a graveyard shift; someone called in sick.”

Mom: “BULLS***! I CALLED YOUR WORK! YOU HAVEN’T HAD A GRAVEYARD SHIFT ALL YEAR!”

Cue a mayhem-filled screaming match where my dad finally fessed up about “the other girl” — who happened to be one of her good friends. The screaming match grew into a screaming marathon that continued almost until noon, and my dad ended up moving out about two weeks later.

As for me, my mom was so pissed that she never punished me for sneaking out of the house to smoke and drink, although, for a while, she started making me put my shoes and jacket in her bedroom at night. That lasted up until I was sixteen.

My dad still jokes with me to this day that I inadvertently got him busted doing essentially the same thing the same night.

I just read this story and decided to ask my husband a similar question. 

Me: “Would you trade me for a pet giraffe?”

Husband: “Sounds like a lot of work.”

Me: “So, you’re just keeping me because I’m low-maintenance?”

Husband: “Of course not! I just don’t have space for a giraffe. I would need to get bigger land.”

Me: “Llama?”

Husband: “Do you want a pet llama, [One-Year-Old Son]?”

Son: “Eeh!”

Husband: “Yes. I’ll trade you for a llama.”

Related:
Neck And Neck

I’m going to surprise my spouse by ordering pizza. I prepare to sneak out the door to go pick it up.

Spouse: “Pizza’s on the way. Hurry back.”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘Pizza’s on the way’?”

Did the toddler rat me out?!

Spouse: “I ordered pizza. It’ll be here soon.”

Me: “I ordered pizza.”

Spouse: “We both ordered pizza?”

Me: “How much did you spend?”

Spouse: “$30 for two from [Company #1].”

Me: “That pizza had better be fantastic, because I spent $15 for a large three-topping and cinnamon thingies from [Company #2].”

Spouse: “Yeah… I didn’t want [Company #2], and it was delivery plus tip.”

Me: “Welllll… Guess I’ll go pick up my order and we’ll just have $45 of pizza.”

Spouse: “I’ll call my brother and see if he’s hungry.”

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

I get to [Company #2]’s location. I head in.

Me: “Hey, I know I’m early. The pizza’s probably still in the oven, but I just wanted to let you know I’m here whenever it’s ready.”

Pizza Guy: “Oh, we haven’t even started your order. Our computers have been down all day. We’ve just opened. We’re an hour behind on orders. We’re calling everyone now to see if they still even want their orders.”

Me: “Oh.”

Pizza Guy: “We’ll go ahead and get started on your order right now.”

A lightbulb pops on in my head.

Me: “Actuallyyyyy… funny story. My spouse and I both decided to surprise each other with pizza for lunch. His is being delivered, so I came out to pick up this one. I truly would much rather pay you guys for the pizza, but I don’t really need both orders.”

Pizza Guy: “Haha, that’s great. You hear that, [Coworker]? Don’t worry about that order. We’ll go ahead and cancel it for you.”

BUT IT DOESN’T STOP THERE!

I head home and the delivery guy shows up.

Delivery Guy: “Just sign this and here’s your pizza.”

Me: “Oh, okay, here you go. Weren’t there supposed to be two pizzas?”

Delivery Guy: “Uhh… yes… Ah… Let me check my car… I might have mixed up the order with someone else’s pizza back at the store. I’ll be back with it as soon as I can.”

Me: “Oh, thanks. Sorry for the mixup!”

Delivery Guy: “Me, too!”

A short while later:

Delivery Guy: “Here are your pizzas. We went ahead and credited your account for two free pizzas next time you order.”

And that is is how you get two free pizzas by trying to buy too many pizzas.

I am working at the fabric counter in a craft store when a little old man wanders in, looking extremely lost and clutching a scrap of fabric for dear life.

Me: “Hello! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: *Very hesitantly holds out the fabric scrap* “My wife sent me to get more of this fabric.”

Me: “No problem! This looks like a cotton quilting fabric. Let’s go over to that section and see if we can find a match.”

I take the customer to the quilting fabrics section and start looking for a match. As I look, the customer stands nearby, still seeming confused. I finally find a fabric that’s a close match, but because of different dye batches, the colors are very slightly different.

Me: *Shows customer the fabric* “This one is almost the same as what you have. The colors aren’t quite an exact match, but very close. Do you think this will work for your wife?”

Customer: *Looks at me with a look of panic in his eyes* “I don’t know. I’m color-blind!”

I ended up sending him home with a sample of the new fabric to show his wife and told him that if his wife approved, he could come back and buy more.

Wife: “I don’t understand the excitement about bacon. I mean, it’s fine as a condiment in small quantities, but as, like, a central part of a breakfast, I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce shortly.”

Wife: “Why? You can just have all of mine.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce never.”