I am working at the fabric counter in a craft store when a little old man wanders in, looking extremely lost and clutching a scrap of fabric for dear life.

Me: “Hello! Can I help you find something?”

Customer: *Very hesitantly holds out the fabric scrap* “My wife sent me to get more of this fabric.”

Me: “No problem! This looks like a cotton quilting fabric. Let’s go over to that section and see if we can find a match.”

I take the customer to the quilting fabrics section and start looking for a match. As I look, the customer stands nearby, still seeming confused. I finally find a fabric that’s a close match, but because of different dye batches, the colors are very slightly different.

Me: *Shows customer the fabric* “This one is almost the same as what you have. The colors aren’t quite an exact match, but very close. Do you think this will work for your wife?”

Customer: *Looks at me with a look of panic in his eyes* “I don’t know. I’m color-blind!”

I ended up sending him home with a sample of the new fabric to show his wife and told him that if his wife approved, he could come back and buy more.

Wife: “I don’t understand the excitement about bacon. I mean, it’s fine as a condiment in small quantities, but as, like, a central part of a breakfast, I don’t like it.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce shortly.”

Wife: “Why? You can just have all of mine.”

Me: “Okay, we will be getting a divorce never.”

I have a bit of holiday trauma from an abusive, overly-religious stepmother. My father usually deliberately worked on holidays to avoid her religious fanaticism but allowed her to burn gifts we got that weren’t religious enough. As such, I’m not a big fan of Christmas, and as an adult, I don’t celebrate it for years.

When I marry my wife, who loves Christmas and has a religious mother, I brace myself for the holidays.

Wife: “Honey, I found the perfect tree!”

Me: *Trying to fake enthusiasm* “Oh, cool!”

Mother-In-Law: “[Wife], show her what you found. Trust me, you’ll like this.”

My wife drags in a completely black tree.

Me: *Stunned* “Is that… a black tree? I didn’t even know those were a thing!”

Wife: “Yeah! I’ve always wanted a black tree but Mom prefers real trees, which don’t come in black. But I found this one at work on clearance… and these ornaments!”

Me: “Are those dragons? You got dragon Christmas ornaments?”

Wife: “I know you love dragons. Plus, I figured we could get a skull tree topper or something. And I work with a woman that makes custom wrapping paper, so I figured we can order some of that and wrap our gifts in it. She does coffins, bats, blood splatters…”

Me: “Okay, I might be coming around on Christmas now.”

Mother-In-Law:  “I did find an angel tree topper for you, though.”

She proudly pulls out a Weeping Angel from “Doctor Who,” a show all three of us love. 

Mother-In-Law: “What do you think?”

Me: “I think that, for the first time. I’m actually excited about decorating for Christmas.”

Our holiday wreath has flowers and skulls on it, and none of the religious family members batted an eye when they saw our decorations. My wife’s preacher grandfather even asked us where we got our bat wrapping paper because he loved it so much and ordered some for himself. I look forward to Christmas now!

I work at a store where we have special sales for our members. If they buy specific items, which change every week, they can get a gift card back for part or all of their purchase.

It is a few days before Christmas and we are promoting a massage gun that is on one of these sales. It is important to note that while most such guns have three or four smaller balls on the end, this one only has a single one. I’ve also only been working retail for a month. A husband and wife are looking at the massage gun while I am ringing them up.

Wife: “How much is this?”

Me: “$49.99, but you’ll also get a $30 gift card back.”

Wife: *To her husband* “Do you think [Female Friend] would like this?”

The husband has been quiet up until now, but he responds to his wife’s question. 

Husband: “I don’t know. Don’t you think it looks a little sexual?”

I was stunned. Looking at the product, I could see how he would think that, but who actually says that to the poor cashier who has to sell that product? He laughed at the look on my face and his wife scolded him for “embarrassing” me. I quickly finished ringing them up.

Fortunately, they were my last customers for a few minutes, and I was able to regain my composure.

Yesterday, I went grocery shopping. Among other things, I bought a loaf of pre-packaged garlic bread to use for dinner tonight. It was on the kitchen counter when my husband came in.

Husband: “Great, garlic bread. Can I have some now?” 

Me: “I have to bake it. It’s only partially baked.”

Husband: “Yeah, but can I have some now?”

Me: “It’s not baked.”

Husband: “Okay, but can I have some?”

Me: “It’s not cooked.”

Husband: “Okay, but can I have some?”

Me: *Giving up* “If you want to eat raw bread, help yourself.”

So, he cut himself a piece and chowed down… and made a face.

Husband: “Wow, this is pretty bad.”

He spat out what was in his mouth.

Me: “Really, eating raw bread wasn’t as great as you were expecting. Can’t imagine why.”

Husband: “Raw? Why didn’t you say so?”

Me: “I did. You didn’t want to hear it.”

He plunked down the piece of bread he cut and sulked away.

Side note, I baked it for dinner tonight. It was delicious when baked up all crispy and golden.