Go And Do Other People

, , , , | Working | March 5, 2018

(It is about nine pm, and a few of us are still in the office. A colleague comes into my office to chat to me and my officemate.)

Colleague: *to my officemate* “I have nothing to do, so now I have to look up Belgian law.”

(When he says he has nothing to do, he means on the matter he is working on with my officemate, not that he has absolutely nothing to do, but I don’t realise this.)

Me: “Wait. Why are you here, then?”

Colleague: “Like I said, I wanted to take a break and chat to you guys.”

Me: “No, I mean, if you have nothing to do, why are you still in the building? You could go and do other things. I mean, you have a girlfriend.”

(There is a pause as my colleague and officemate both stare at me. It is at this point that I realise what I just said.)

Me: “Wait, that did not come out the way I meant it!”

Colleague: “No, no, I know what you meant. I should be out shagging my girlfriend just because I have a girlfriend.”

Me: “No, no, I meant, like, you could go have a romantic dinner or something.”

Colleague: “Uh-huh. Thanks for literally telling me to f*** off.”

Me: “Can I start again, please?”

Colleague: “Sure.”

Me: “[Colleague]! How great to see you! Come in, please! Distract us!”

Colleague: “Now, that’s more like it.”

(My officemate and colleague still won’t let me live that down.)

Dropping Off To Sleep

, , , , , | Learning | March 5, 2018

(I volunteer to bring my friend’s teenage children to school one morning. I’ve dropped the youngest at junior high and am now going to drop off the oldest.)

Me: “Well, that was a confusing drop-off. At least I know where to drop you off.”

Oldest: “Yeah, Mrs. [My Name], at your house so I can go back to sleep.”

Me: “Nice try, kid, but you have to go to school. ‘A’ for effort, though.”

The Cake Is A Lie, But With A Really Good Excuse

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 5, 2018

(I am female in my late 20s. This has been the worse fortnight of my life so far; I was made redundant at work, I fell out with a very close friend over something really stupid, and someone rear-ended me. My period has also started, making everything a lot worse, as I get extremely hormonal during this time. Now, my glasses have broken. I emotionally break down, and cry at my boyfriend.)

Me: *whilst sobbing* “I have no friends, no vision, no car, and no money to sort out two of those problems! AND I’M BLEEDING EVERYWHERE!”

Boyfriend: “Shall I go get some cake?”

Me: *stops wailing, but still sniffing* “Cake?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, let’s go to [My Favourite Cake Place].”

Me: *sniffing* “Really?”

Boyfriend: “Really, really.”

(He goes on the cake trip. He comes back sooner than I’d expect, and hands me the bag, which is too light to have cake in it. I open it up and find a ring box with a ring in it.)

Boyfriend: “Will yo—”

Me: *truly distressed* “Where’s the cake?!”

Boyfriend: “I… Erm.”

Me: “You said there would be cake!”

Boyfriend: “Okay… You’re irrationally—”

Me: *irrationally upset* “I am not irrationally upset! You promised cake! Instead, I get a ring that I can’t even see properly, because I have no vision! How could you betray me like this?!” *ugly, hysterical sobbing*

(He did go get me cake. And I did apologise to him over being overly emotional and dramatic. Surprisingly, he still wanted to marry me after that, so I said yes.)

What A Total Jerk(y)

, , , , , , | Related | March 5, 2018

(My husband built a smokehouse that’s large enough to hang a hog. We’re not kid-people and it’s no secret, but my nieces are awesome. Still, my hubby teases them. He is teasing my niece about putting her in the smoker. She runs over to where my brother and I are talking.)

Niece: “Daddy, Uncle [Husband] says he’s going to put me in the smoker and make me into jerky. If he did that, I bet you’d put him in the smoker… Wouldn’t you?”

Brother: “No.”

Niece: “No?! Why not?!”

Brother: “I’d be too busy eating jerky.”

Stupid Jerk Humor

, , , , , , , | Romantic | March 4, 2018

(I am speaking with my wife while on lunch. She is doing computer work at home.)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Louisiana is so mean.”

Wife: “What?”

Me: “Yeah, you know, all that jerk chicken from Louisiana.”

Wife: *typing in the background*

Me: “Hello?”

Wife: “Jerk chicken is Jamaican, not creole.”

Me: “You looked that up, didn’t you?”

Wife: “Yes. I thought you were wrong; I just had to make sure.”

(More conversation, and then…)

Me: “You know, it upsets me that most of the chicken from Jamaica is so mean.”

Wife: *laughs uncontrollably*

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