I run a sushi restaurant. I had a couple come in and look over the menu. I personally took their order, and they told me to make sure there wasn’t any shrimp in anything.

They had ordered a “spider” roll, which contained soft shell crab with the claws sticking out on each end, and a couple other rolls, but no shrimp. Once they ordered:

Customer: “I want a box right away as we’re in a rush and know we won’t be able to finish in time.”

Um, okay, sure, I gave them a box. Their order comes out, and the guy starts throwing a fit.

Customer: “The spider roll looks like there’s shrimp in it! I’m not eating that!”

I’m a manager, and I take allergies very seriously.

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that it is not shrimp; it’s crab; hence SOFT SHELL CRAB.”

I look at his girlfriend and assertively ask:

Me: “So you don’t want any of this?”

She sighed and looked as if this wasn’t her first rodeo, and she was already tired of his s***.

Customer’s Girlfriend: “No, he won’t eat any of it.”

So, before they could scam me and box their food up and have their check comped, I took all of their food out back and sent them on their way. The customer paused for a second, realizing he wasn’t going to be able to take anything home, and stormed out. 

I knew it was a red flag when they asked for a box at the same time that they’re putting their order in, thinking I’ll comp the check AND let them take the food they just complained about. Sorry dude, I won’t make you pay for something you don’t like, but you also don’t get to take it home for free!

I’m working the bar solo, not crazy busy but definitely steady enough to keep me at a moderately fast pace.

I get a ticket for Captains (Captain Morgan’s spiced rum) and soda. I distinctly remember thinking “gross”. No offense to anyone who drinks that, but personally… gross. I make it and set it on the well. 

A few minutes later, the server comes up to me and asks me to remake the drink. She says her customer doesn’t think it’s made with soda. I’m 98% sure I made it the right way, but no point in arguing. I quickly remake it and send it out.

She comes back not one minute later. Tells me the man didn’t even try it but is insisting, “it’s not soda”.

So, I’m thinking, because I work at a hibachi place where our servers are Chinese immigrants who can sometimes struggle with a language barrier, maybe the server is confusing what he’s asking her for. I say I’ll go over and reiterate the order as soon as I get the chance. 

Well, I never got the chance to go to the table because, as I’m telling the waitress I’ll go over there, the man walks up to my bar, clearly LIVID. He starts shouting at me:

Customer: “How the f*** can you not make a Captain and soda water? How hard is that to do?!”

Now I am a customer service master and pretty great at handling difficult customers, but what you aren’t going to do is swear at me and belittle me, so the customer service persona flew out the door.

Me: “Excuse me?! I made your drink twice, and you’ve sent it back each time. Would you like to watch me make it again?”

Customer: “The drink is brown. Soda water is clear. I know what you gave me was not soda water; I can tell!”

I fill a glass with ice, take the Captain, and make sure to wave it toward his face so he can see I’m pouring Captain. Then I take a separate glass, point to the big “SODA” button on my gun, and pour some into the separate glass. I pick it up so he can see that it’s clear, then pour it into the glass with Captain and put it in front of him on the service well.

Me: “Captain’s is a BROWN liquor. Captain added to a clear liquid like soda water makes a slightly less brown, but still a little bit brown, drink.”

I just look at him, waiting for his response.

The dude walks away. I’m naively thinking, “Wow, he must feel so stupid”.  He ends up leaving without eating anything, and one of the servers tells me he’s pretty p***ed.

Get this…he leaves a YELP REVIEW. And in his review, he gives us one star and AGAIN says, “Soda water is clear, I know what soda water looks like.”

I made his drink in front of him, and he still won’t admit he’s wrong! I did a little social media stalking, and every single review he’s left is also one star, so that’s a little perspective on this a**hole.

May we all be as confident in our lives as this man was in his own stupidity.

Customer: “So, about my steak and side?”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “Can I get another steak instead of the side?”

Me: “No, ma’am.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Because steak is a lot more expensive than mac n cheese.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “Because it costs a lot more to grow a cow than it does to make mac n cheese.”

Customer: “Why?”

Alright, I got one of those “why” customers; time to nip this in the bud.

Me: “Because the macaroni trees gave abundant harvests this year, so the mac n cheese is very affordable.”

Customer: “Alright, fine, but my steak better be fat and juicy!”

The customer ended up eating all their mac n cheese and only ate half their steak, claiming they were too full to finish it.

The restaurant where I’m dining with my wife is busy, and the tables are close together, so it’s very easy to overhear all kinds of conversations. 

An older woman has been glaring at the table next to her, and finally she feels compelled to shout at the older gentleman sitting there.

Older Woman: “You should be ashamed!”

Older Man: “Excuse me?”

Older Woman: *Pointing to his dining companion.* “She’s young enough to be your daughter!”

Older Man: “I would hope so, considering she IS my daughter.”

The older woman huffs and stutters for a moment before saying:

Older Woman: “Well, I didn’t know.”

Older Man: “Yet you still felt compelled to say something.”

She huffs again but goes back to her own meal.

Older Man: “Anyway, I hope you and your father enjoy your meal.”

Older Woman: “That’s my husband!”

Older Man: *Smiles maniacally.*

This particular lady is famous for asking (minimum) ten questions about the menu each time, usually in the middle of a rush. We all love and adore her dearly. 

Each time, she asks several questions about removing items, customizing, and ‘What item is similar to this one but is not this one?’ And then finally decides, ‘If it’s not going to be cheaper, I’ll just take it as is.’

Every. Time. 

To the point I question my existence and wonder if I’m being trolled in a new, innovative AI torture model for servers.

I have no problem customizing or answering questions. That’s my job. But it seems like we are playing a game of “how long can I make you stand here without breaking your happy-to-help character”.

We have over eighty sushi rolls.

Customer: “Which roll is similar to this one?”

Me: “Great question! So that one has a California base, as do forty other rolls; the difference is in what we put on top!”

Customer: “So what do you put on the top?”

Me: “That depends on which of these forty rolls you pick. Can you give me an idea of what kind of fish you’re in the mood for?”

Customer: “This crunch roll, but without the fried shrimp; would that make it cheaper?”

Me: “So without the shrimp, it’s basically our deep-fried California roll, but it’s the same price; did you want that one?”

Customer: “Hmm. So, if I remove the shrimp, it’s not cheaper?”

Me: “No, ma’am, they add more of the other roll ingredients to compensate rather than shrink the roll.”

She basically repeats this with several other rolls before finally coming back to:

Customer: “I’ll just take the original crunch roll, with the shrimp, as is.”

I truly believe she thinks if she finally asks about all eighty of our rolls, that one of them is going to have a “Yes” answer. “Yes, if we take out [ingredients], it will be cheaper!”

Why not just complain and try to get your bill comped that way? Like a regular psycho?