Vegans Get Unjust Desserts

, , , , | Right | August 4, 2017

Patron: “Do you have any non-dairy ice cream?”

Me: “Yes, we do. At the bottom.”

Patron: “Why are they all the way down there? It makes you look anti-vegan.”

Me: “Because that’s where our desserts are…”

Their Complaints Are Raw Ignorance

| NC, USA | Right | August 3, 2017

(An older woman, older man, teenage girl, and a middle-aged woman are sitting at a table I serve and seem dissatisfied with something as they eat.)

Me: “Is there something wrong with your meals?”

Teenage Girl: “Ah… no. Thank you.”

(She’s picking the bacon off of her sandwich and putting it to side of her plate.)

Middle-Aged Woman: “Actually, her bacon just seems a little raw, so could ya’ll just give her some better cooked pieces?”

Teenage Girl: “Mom it’s just smoked. There’s nothing wrong with it.”

(It’s clear she’s trying not to cause a fuss.)

Older Woman: “[Teenage Girl], baby, it’s not smoked. That’s clearly raw!”

(Older Woman snatches the bacon off of the plate and examines it with her fork and fingers.)

Me: “At [Restaurant] we smoke our bacon, so I assure you it isn’t raw.”

Older Man: “Naw, look at it. It’s raw.”

Older Woman: “Would you eat that? That’s NASTY! Are ya’ll trying to kill my niece?”

(Older Woman picks up the bacon and puts it in my palms.)

Older Man: “That’s RAW! If it’s not, then eat it!”

Me: “Sir, ma’am, I promise you that isn’t raw.”

Older Woman: “I DEMAND to see your manager. You can’t just feed people raw meat!”

Teenage Girl: “Seriously it’s fine.”

Older Man: “Baby, it’s not fine. We’re gonna getcha cooked meat and yell at them people for trying to give you Ebola.”

(I think she confused Ebola for E. Coli)

Teenage Girl: “I’m not going to get Ebola…”

Me: “Well, since you now know that the bacon is not raw I’ll let you continue your meal.”

(I put the bacon that was semi-chewed in a napkin and tossed it in the trash. I quit that day.)

I’ve Been Feeling ‘Ginger Ale’ All Day, FYI

| Greensboro, NC, USA | Right | August 3, 2017

Me: “Hi! Welcome and how are you doing this afternoon?”

Customer #1: “Sweet tea.”

Customer #2: “Honey, since when is ‘sweet tea’ a state of being?”

That’s One Interesting Dipping Sauce…

| ON, Canada | Right | August 3, 2017

(I’ve just started my 45-minute commute home when I learn the highway is closed. I decide to stop at one of the fast food places rather than sit in my car.)

Cashier: “What can I get for you today?”

Me: “Chicken nugget meal, please.”

Cashier: “What would you like to drink?”

Me: “Diet Coke, please.”

Cashier: “And for your dipping sauce?”

Me: “Diet Coke, please.”

Cashier: “No, what dipping sauce do you want?”

Me: “Diet Coke.” *pause* “You just asked for my dipping sauce, didn’t you?”

Trying To Date Sheldon Cooper

, , | Romantic | August 2, 2017

(It’s early in the evening and there’s only one guest, a woman in her early twenties, but soon a guy around the same age comes in and takes a place at her table. Since it’s very quiet I involuntarily overhear their conversation from the bar I’m standing at.)

Woman: “Hey, honey; how was your appointment?”

Man: “Crazy! That new doctor asked me if my Asperger’s is diagnosed! Can you believe her?”

(The woman bursts out laughing.)

Man: “What?!”

Woman: “You remember that time before we started dating and I asked you if you want to come to my place and watch Iron Man? You declined because you don’t like superhero movies…”

Man: “A guy can miss a cue once in a while.”

Woman: “You do realize that I’d been desperately flirting with you for almost a year at that point?”

Man: “WHAT? You were?!”

(I somehow think that new doctor was onto something.)

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