Needs A Shower For Your Brain

| KA, USA | Right | May 11, 2017

(I volunteer at a local community theater as a stagehand. It’s opening night, and I arrive early to help set-up and check that the special effects are in order. We finish with enough time before the house opens, so I run down the street for a quick snack from a restaurant. There’s a fair number of people in there, most of whom are regulars for the theater. I say hello and remind everyone of the show times and dates. As I’m leaving I catch the attention of a couple near the door.)

Me: “Hiya, folks! Going to see the show tonight?”

Man: “Yep, we got our tickets and everything. It starts at 7:30, right?”

Me: “Yep, that’s right! You’ve plenty of time before it starts.”

Woman: “I have to go home and shower first!”

(I stand slightly in shock, not sure how to react.)

Man: *acting as if this is ordinary* “Yeah, we just got off work. Thought we’d grab a bit rather than go home, cook, shower, then come back. So once we’re done, we’ll go home, shower up, and come back. You did say it was 7:30, right?”

Me: “Er… yes, 7:30. I… I hope you enjoy yourselves.”

Woman: “We will! Just gotta go home and shower; get all my nooks and crannies clean!”

(I beat a hasty retreat after that. And everyone wonders why no one strikes up conversations with people you meet in public anymore!)

A Long Day And Some Change

, | UT, USA | Working | May 10, 2017

(I had just paid for my lunch at a fast food restaurant and was waiting for my change.)

Cashier: *as he hands me my change* “Okay, your total is $12.05…”

(He hung his head as he realized what he said.)

Me: “It’s been a long day?”

Cashier: *tiredly agreeing* “It’s been a long day.”

They Must Be On Shrooms

| OH, USA | Right | May 9, 2017

(The restaurant I work at recently started serving a new cheeseburger with a popular mushroom on it. The name of the mushroom is in the title.)

Customer: “Does the [New Sandwich with mushroom name] have mushrooms?”

(Everyone wearing a headset stares at each other.)

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Can I get it without mushrooms?”

(Everyone with a headset continues staring.)

Customer: “Yes. We can make that sandwich with just a cheese sauce.”

Me: *saying what everyone’s thinking* “Why get a mushroom burger without the mushrooms?”

Don’t Baby Them

| New York, NY, USA | Working | May 6, 2017

(Sadly, my filter has turned off near the end of a long day, when a guests makes this request.)

Guest: “Can I get some more of the pasta with veal?”

Guest’s Wife: “It’s lamb.”

Me: “Baby animal. Coming right up.”

(My manager did not find it as amusing as the rest of his party…)

They’re In Three Fall

| TX, USA | Right | May 3, 2017

(I work in a BBQ restaurant that has a limited menu. One thing we offer is a plate, which can come with 1/3 pound of one, two, or three different meats. Most customers realize that the total amount of meat doesn’t change, but every once in a while someone gets confused and think that a three-meat has more meat than a one meat. This occurs one night while I am running register. The manager I am working with at the time is 18, but appears younger.)

Customer: “Hello, I would like the three-meat plate, with all brisket.”

Manager: “I’m sorry, the three-meat plate doesn’t actually include more meat than the one-meat plate, so it would actually end up being the same.”

Customer: “You must be new, because the three-meat plate has three times as much meat as the one-meat plate. I would know; this is the third time I’ve eaten here and that’s what I’ve always gotten.”

Manager: “Ma’am, I’ve been working here for three years and eating here ever since I can remember. The three-meat plate has never had more meat than the one-meat plate. If you want—”

Customer: *interrupting* “No, you f****** idiot, the three-meat plate has three times the meat. Now give me what I ordered, you stupid child.”

Manager: “Ma’am, please don’t talk to me like that. As I was saying, if you would like you could purchase a pound of the brisket and some sides, which would equal the same amount of meat that would be on three plates.”

Customer: “NO! I ordered the three-meat and that’s what I want. Do it or I’ll talk to your manager and get you fired!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I am the manager, and what you are wanting is not possible. I could give you a pound of brisket and some sides, or I can give you a plate and an extra 2/3 a pound of brisket, but I will have to charge you for it.”

Customer: “You ignorant little a**! I’ll have you know, I know the owner and I’ll have you fired for this!”

(I decide that I need to step in since she causing a scene and making our other customers uncomfortable. Since she obviously is unfamiliar with our policy, I make the assumption that she doesn’t really know the owner and tell a small half-lie.)

Me: “Ma’am, if you know the owner, then you would know that she would never let you treat her employees like this.”

Customer: “Shut up, you little b****, or I’ll have you fired, too!”

Me: “I really don’t think my mom would fire me, honestly. Now, you can take one of the options he has offered, or you can leave. Or I can call the police. It’s your choice, ma’am.”

Customer: “The menu says three-meat, and that’s what I’ll get. I’ll ruin your reputation!”

Me: “Ma’am, if the three-meat plate had three times the meat, it would be three times the price.”

(She stammered for a minute before storming out, slamming the door on the way out and shattering the glass. We called the police and sued for damages.)

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