My brother is back from a military tour, so the whole family has gathered for a meal to enjoy his company. This includes the one bad uncle that all families have.

Uncle: “Hey, [Brother], now that the Republicans are back in power, is the military less gay?”

My Dad: “[Uncle], careful now.”

Uncle: “What? I’m just asking.”

Brother: “It’s as gay as it’s always been and always will be, [Uncle]. These days, the only ones who care are the unemployed fat-a** civilians who have nothing better to do than shout at the TV!”

Uncle: “I gotta job!”

This is true. [Uncle] has a job, technically, as a school bus driver, but is on unpaid suspension while he is under investigation for possible DUI.

Me: *Trying to turn the meal around.* “Anyway, [Brother], now that you’re back for a few weeks, do you want to—”

Uncle: “—The military was better when it was that don’t ask, don’t tell thing! Now it’s all feelings and marines making TikToks and having pronouns!”

My Dad: “[Uncle], that’s enough! F****** stop!”

Uncle: “Yeah, well f*** you! And f*** your pronouns! We didn’t need them when I was a kid!”

Grandma: *Butting in out of nowhere.* “Weren’t your favorite cartoons as a kid, He-Man and She-Ra?”

Uncle was confused, some of us laughed, and I was FINALLY able to change the subject. I don’t know why we allow [Uncle] to come to these things anymore…

Related:
When They’re Not Pro Pronoun, Part 4
When They’re Not Pro Pronoun, Part 3
When They’re Not Pro Pronoun, Part 2
When They’re Not Pro Pronoun

It’s an extremely slow Sunday night in the casual fine dining restaurant I work in. There is an older gentleman, about mid-eighties, by himself, sitting in my section. He orders a glass of wine, and I proceed to go over a few menu items with him.

He thinks our braised short ribs sound good and orders this. Now, mind you, it’s like 4 PM and there are two other tables with diners in the whole restaurant. His food comes out in about ten minutes, and this man loses his mind.

Customer: “Why did this food come out already? I haven’t had time to enjoy my wine! Take the food back and I’ll let you know when I’m ready to eat.”

Me: “I apologize. That’s no problem; in the future, if you want to have some time before the food comes out, mention that when you order, as we put the order in when it’s placed. We will gladly wait however long you would like.”

Customer: “Don’t tell me what I should be doing, you should know that if someone orders a glass of wine, they need time to just enjoy the wine, that’s your job!”

He then spends the next twenty minutes telling my manager the same thing and how bad I am at my job. Of course, after he eats everything, he then wants his food comped. My manager was like, “Nope, but have a great night, and just remember if you want time, be sure to ask!”

Don’t think he’ll be coming back in.

My hungry son (five years old) has finished up his mac and cheese while the family is out for a meal. He’s looking around expectantly.

Me: “You okay, [Son’s Name]?”

Son: “Waiting for my cheesecake.”

Me: “We didn’t order you a cheesecake.”

Son: “I ordered mac and cheese!”

Me: “And you got it. You just ate it.”

Son: “I ate the mac. Now I’m waiting for the cheese.”

My prank-prone fourteen-year-old son is trying to hold back a laugh in the corner of the booth.

Me: *To him.* “Did you tell him that mac and cheese was short for macaroni and cheesecake?”

Older Son: “Maybe.”

Me: “Do you think ‘maybe‘ your allowance this week will be used to order him the most expensive cheesecake dessert this place does?”

Older son’s smile faded immediately. My five-year-old loved his giant slice of chocolate double-decadent cheesecake.

My wife and I are at a pretty fancy restaurant, where they have their wine list on iPads. We are in a celebratory mood and decide to splurge a bit and get some glasses of wine that are $15 a pop.

Shortly after we get our wine, this old guy walks in with two young ladies. The sommelier comes up and asks him:

Sommelier: “Did you have any questions about the wine list?”

Old Guy: “I trust you, just bring out something that’s reasonably priced.”

Sommelier: “I’m sorry, sir, but would you kindly let me know what reasonably priced would be?”

The old guy puts the wine list down, calmly smiles, and says:

Old Guy: “Anything under $5,000 a bottle will be just fine, thanks.”

He ended up ordering THREE bottles over the course of our dinner. Suddenly our $15 glasses of wine didn’t seem like such a splurge anymore…

I’m meeting a friend for lunch. The waiter comes up to the table, and she looks him up and down and just shakes her head.

Friend: “No… no, go get someone else. l’m not putting up with you for the next hour.”

The waiter looks mortified but walks away.

Me: “What the h***?!”

Friend: “He looks dorky. I want someone who looks better.”

Me: “How embarrassing.”

Friend: *Laughing.* “I know, right?”

Me: “I mean, for you. Imagine being that customer? Everyone in this place will hate you every time you come in, now.”

Friend: “Oh, come on—”

Me: “—Well, this catch-up has been illuminating. Bye forever.”

I get up and leave, apologizing to the waiter on the way out for the behavior of my now ex-friend.