Cross You Off The List

, , , , | Related | October 6, 2017

(My parents are visiting me at school for the weekend, and on Sunday morning we go out to breakfast. Between family weekend and a banquet in back, the restaurant is fairly crowded, especially for such a small town. After breakfast, my mother and I wait outside for my father to pay, and the hostess pops in and out to look for parties who are enjoying the sunshine while waiting to be seated.)

Hostess: “I’m looking for a ‘Cross’ party.” *looks at my mother and me* “Are you Cross?”

Me: “No, we’re quite pleased.”

Has Beef With Your Coleslaw

, , , , , | Right | October 6, 2017

Customer: *to one of our favorite servers* “Please take this coleslaw away.”

Server: “Is something wrong with it?”

Customer: “Yes! This coleslaw has a strong cabbage flavor!”

Server: “Sort of how the brisket had a strong beef flavor?”

Grilling Yourself For The Right Word

, , , , , | Working | October 5, 2017

The restaurant I’m going to has an app that lets you order a meal ahead of time to be picked up. Before I leave for the restaurant, I order a pasta dish with chicken added to it on the app. A minute later, I get a phone call from the restaurant, and a flustered employee tells me, “The, uh… the machine that makes the chicken is down.”

I change my order to have meatballs instead. On my way to the restaurant, I’m wondering what “the machine that makes the chicken” is. A meat slicer, maybe? When I get there, I see approximately five signs warning me that they cannot make any pot-stickers or chicken because a particular piece of equipment is broken.

It’s the grill. The word she was looking for was “grill.” She must have been having a rough day.

Your Cousins Are Not Always Right

, , , , | Related | October 4, 2017

(It is my 14th birthday, and I am going to a local restaurant to celebrate with my cousin and little brother. I am a bit shy, so I don’t really speak out a lot. As we come in, get seated, and place our orders, a bit of time passes by. I do not mind, as I can wait long times for my food. It has only been 30 minutes, and it is busy. My cousin, though, starts to get irate.)

Cousin: “D***, what is taking so long for our food?” *waves a nearby waiter to us* “Hey, what is taking so long?”

Waiter #1: “I’m sorry for the inconvenience; we’re really busy today and it takes longer to prepare the food, but it will be out shortly.” *walks away*

(Another few minutes pass, and we finally get our food.)

Cousin: *looking at the plates* “What is this? This looks f****** stupid. Hey, [My Name], do you have any problem with it?”

Me: “Uh… no. I don’t think it looks odd.”

Cousin: *waving another waiter* “What the h*** is this food? I want a manager, now!”

Waiter #2: “I’m sorry; I’ll get one for you right away.”

(A few minutes pass, and the manager walks over to us.)

Manager: “What seems to be the problem?”

Cousin: “First of all, it took a long-a** time to get our food, the food looked awful, and [My Name] had to deal with it!”

Manager: “I’m terribly sorry for that. I’ll see my employees on that, as well as you getting a discount.”

(We finish our food and leave, discount in hand, the staff apologizing to us, but as we walk out of the store, I finally say something.)

Me: “Why’d you have to complain? I didn’t have any problems with the whole thing, and you just made a scene about it.”

Cousin: “Well, yeah, but I got a discount for it, so…”

(To this day, I still don’t understand why she did that, on my birthday of all days!)

The Root Of This Conversation

, , , , , , | Related | October 4, 2017

(While out to eat, the topic of what foods are vegetables comes up. These are just some of the food items that we bring up.)

Brother: “Is watermelon a vegetable?”

Me: “No. Lettuce is a vegetable.”

Dad: “Really? Is lettuce a vegetable?”

Mom & Me: “Yes.”

Me: “What would you classify lettuce as?”

Dad: “Cow food.”

Brother: “Tomatoes?”

Mom: “Yes, well… it’s technically a fruit.”

Me: “It’s a fruit that identifies as a vegetable.”

Mom: “Like avocados. And cucumbers.”

Dad: “Avocados are fruit; they grow on trees. Like apples and oranges.”

Mom: “What about nuts?”

Brother: “Are nuts a vegetable?”

Me: “No, nuts are nuts.”

Brother: “Potatoes?”

Me: “They’re a root.”

Mom: “Like carrots.”

Me: “Or onions, though onions are more a spice thing. Like garlic.”

Mom: “Also a root.”

Me: “Parsnips?”

Mom: “Those are disgusting.”

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