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And A Slight Sprinkling Of Homosexuality

, , , | Right | September 14, 2021

I’m working as a waitress. Our restaurant has a small booth table which only seats two people, so it usually contains couples on a date.

I am serving two girls sitting at this table, and they each order a small bowl of ice cream.

On a whim, I ask:

Me: “Would you like sprinkles on your ice creams?”

[Girl #1]’s eyes light up and she enthusiastically answers.

Girl #1: “Yes!”

We all laugh a little, before [Girl #2] suddenly exclaims:

Girl #2: “We’re not lesbians, though!”

“Sprinkles = lesbians” turned into a long-running inside joke with my coworker, after we spent the rest of the night wondering what prompted her to clarify their sexualities.

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If You Can’t Take The Heat… Stop Ordering It!

, , , , | Right | CREDIT: SuperTommyD0g | September 12, 2021

I used to work as a waiter in an Indian restaurant. Every now and again, we used to get a couple that would come in that always tried to impress each other with how spicy they could handle their curry. Today the girlfriend went for a Rogan Josh (not spicy) and the boyfriend went for a Jalfrezi. They also ordered a soda each.

I went back to the kitchen and twenty minutes later brought out the meals. Five minutes later, lo and behold, the girlfriend flagged me down.

Girlfriend: “This isn’t spicy enough!”

I went back and got her a Madras — pretty spicy. I saw her try it and obviously struggle a little, but…

Girlfriend: “I want something hotter than this!”

I went back and told the chef and brought out a Vindaloo — the hottest curry you could get at the establishment. The second it touched her tongue, she went crazy.

Girlfriend: *Shouting at me* “You! Bring me some water!”

And after I brought the water:

Girlfriend: “BRING ME SOME MILK!”

When she finally calmed down, they tried to leave, but my manager stopped them and made them pay. All in all, with drinks, the four curries, and poppadoms, it was around £70 to £80. They haven’t been back since.

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Cobble(r) Together An Excuse

, , , , | Working | September 8, 2021

I was out with my parents and sister at a fancy steakhouse. Our dinner was excellent and our waiter was very attentive.

When we got to dessert, my mom ordered a kind of pear cobbler to share with my dad, among other desserts. However, a few bites in, she realized something was off about it. All four of us tried a bite; I immediately got a rancid taste in my mouth.

My parents called over the waiter and let him know that the cobbler tasted rancid. He was polite but very confused, and it didn’t seem like he believed us. He left our table to take the cobbler back, and we continued with the other desserts.

A short while later, we noticed the waiter at a nearby table, slicing meat for the occupants. He had his body and face toward us. His face was contorted into a look of disgust like someone had flung dog vomit into his agape mouth. My family immediately started cracking up.

When he returned to our table, he informed us that he and some other employees had tried the cobbler back in the kitchen, and they had quickly realized we were right. They threw out the whole batch of cobbler, comped us for it, and gave us some free chocolates “to help get the taste out of our mouths.”

Sadly, we never learned what had happened to the cobbler to make it go bad, but to this day, I still laugh when I remember the poor waiter’s face as he experienced that aftertaste!

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Much Less Rewarding Than He Was Hoping

, , , , | Working | September 7, 2021

A few years ago, back when mobile payment apps aren’t around yet, five coworkers and I decide to go out for dinner and drinks one Friday after a pretty brutal week. We go to a restaurant a few blocks away that we all know is good. We like that they have a good system for making tabs for everyone so that you don’t have to figure out the best way to divide the bill at the end.

When we sit down, before the waitress takes our drink order, she asks if it will be on one bill or if we plan to do separate tabs.

Coworker #1: *Immediately* “One tab.”

And he gives his card to the waitress.

The Rest Of Us: “Are you sure?”

Coworker #1: “I don’t mind paying the bill.”

The Rest Of Us: “Thank you!”

We start to order our drinks and food. We are all trying not to buy a lot so as to not cost [Coworker 1] a lot of money, but when he gets a second drink, he insists we all get one, too, and to not worry about the money. We again ask if he is sure and we don’t want to be costing him money, but he says it will be fine.

As the night progresses, we have gotten some appetizers, a good meal and about three or four drinks each when the bill comes. Since there are six of us, the bill [Coworker #1] gets is about $400, with a gratuity included since we are a big party.

The Rest of Us: “Thank you again for the meal!”

Coworker #1: “You’re welcome.”

We start to get up to leave.

Coworker #1: “What are you doing? You owe me for the bill.”

We are all almost drunk at this point and we ask what he is talking about since he said he would buy the meal tonight.

Coworker #1: “I agreed to put the bill on my card, but everyone else still has to pay me for their share.”

We all look at him in disbelief.

Me: “Why did you offer up your card when we all know the restaurant lets you do separate checks, which we were all willing to do?”

Coworker #1: “I offered to put the bill on my card because I wanted the points for the dinner on my card. I’m trying to hit a bonus on my credit card; I figured it would be good because I could put money on my card without actually spending that much.”

[Coworker #2] then stands up and shouts at [Coworker #1].

Coworker #2: “You’re a cheap b*****d! We all kept asking you if you were serious about paying for us, and you kept saying yes! I only have my credit card!”

And then, [Coworker #2] storms out. My other three coworkers all do the same, so it is just [Coworker #1] and me left. I’ve stayed mainly because I am still in shock about how the night has progressed.

Coworker #1: *Looking at me* “Did you think I was paying for everyone, too?”

Me: “Yes. That’s why we were all shocked. You shouldn’t have offered to put it on your card. You should have used your head. You’ve put everyone in a rough spot.”

Coworker #1: “Well, you owe me for your part. It’s [about $60].”

Because I slightly felt bad — and was drunk — I gave [Coworker 1] $25.

Me: “Here. This is all the cash on me.”

Coworker #1: “How dare you spend more money than you had with you?!”

Me: “I planned on using my credit card, like everyone else did.”

I got up and left. [Coworker #1] then texted everyone to bring him the money or a check on Monday and gave everyone’s amount they owed. Some of my coworkers ignored the message, while others had some not-so-kind words for [Coworker #1].

Come Monday, everyone brought in money for [Coworker #1] since he threatened to use his lawyer uncle to sue us in small claims court and we just didn’t want to deal with it. The other five of us had all talked and agreed that it was clear what [Coworker #1] had agreed to and it was unbelievable that he pulled that on us.

He tried acting like everything was okay after we paid, but none of us wanted to talk to him about anything other than work, and we also stopped inviting him to lunch or get drinks. He tried joining us a couple of times but we either ignored him or left. Things got so awkward in the office that [Coworker #1] took a job paying a little less at a rival company and gave us all a rude gesture when he left.

We all talk about how ridiculous it is that, because he wanted maybe $5 in credit card rewards, [Coworker #1] ruined every friendship he had in the office.

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Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 3

, , , , , | Right | September 6, 2021

I work as a manager at a fusion bar/restaurant in a very affluent area and, understandably, this means we get some incredibly entitled people with very strange complaints or requests — especially from the “old money” types who swing by.

I’m managing a dinner shift one night. Our first question when diners are seated is whether they’d like chilled tap water or a bottle of sparkling water from the bar chiller. It’s a warm summer night and we’ve just sat an older couple on the porch area of our venue and poured out two glasses of the sparkling water they requested.

Server: “Umm, the lady from the couple we seated just dropped her glass of sparkling water and wants us to replace it and speak with you.”

I fill a water glass of soda water and head over. I spot the lady with an obviously confused frown on her face. The offending spilled water has already been wiped from herself and the table, and the broken glass has been cleared away.

Me: “Hi there. I’ve just got a replacement for the sparkling water you dropped. Is everything all right?”

Customer: “Absolutely not! Your glasses are just far too slippery! I just went to take a sip and it just slipped from my hand. Completely unacceptable.”

Me: “Oh? Slippery? As in greasy? I’m so sorry, that is completely unaccepta—”

Customer: “No, no, no! It wasn’t greasy! It was just covered in water! Look at the one you’ve just put down! It’s already covered in water!”

She points to the chilled soda water I’ve placed on her table that has slowly begun to form condensation.

Me: “You mean the condensation on the outside of the glass?”

Customer: “Yes, of course!”

Me: “Ma’am, it’s a warm evening and our glasses are room temperature. Our tap and sparkling water are kept chilled and of course, condensation will occur on the outside of the glass. Would you prefer a room temperature bottle of water, instead?”

Customer: *Makes a disgusted face* “Warm water?! No, of course not! It’s been such a hot day! I just don’t understand why the glasses are wet!”

This was the exact moment that I died inside.

I then spent five minutes briefly explaining the laws of thermodynamics to a lady in her late sixties while her poor husband watched in silence. In the end, she still didn’t seem to understand and didn’t touch her water for the remainder of her dining experience but seemed happy to take multiple, uneventful sips of her chilled glass of Pinot Gris which was, of course, covered in condensation.

Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here, Part 2
Thermodynamics, You Take It From Here

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