We live in a somewhat big plot of land inside a village. It’s not big enough to be a farm, but big enough to allow us to have our small vegetable garden and chicken coop, while still being surrounded by neighbours with smaller plots. 

Our back neighbor would only be there for vacations and the occasional weekend, and would blast bad music on his speakers while the sun was up. 

One day, my father decided to make a pond in the back of our plot. Being so close to nature, it almost immediately filled with frogs that would croak almost non stop. 

A week after excavating the pond, my neighbor demanded that my father dredge it, because the frogs were making too much noise and his family could not sleep. My father refused, and the neighbor said he would contact the police. 

A month or so after, we received a visit from an environmental protection agency about “burning used car oils.” After we showed that there was no oil burning in our home, the agents went away. Next month, another agency visited us, this time about “steel scraps lying around,” and again, nothing came out of it. This went on for nearly a year, involving every single environmental protection agency and committee that exists, and a bunch of different reasons, none of which were enough to give a fine. They were, however, annoying, because every agent could find something that needed to be done, or there could have been a fine. 

The final visit was because of a complaint that my father was dumping detergents into the pond. The policeman explained the complaint, and apologized saying, “I am sorry, but we have to follow up on every complaint, even if they are ridiculous.” He went into the back, took a couple of pictures, and came up front beaming, but did not tell my father why. 

The next week, my father heard our neighbour screaming at his lawyer, stating, “I was the one making the complaint; why am I the one getting a fine?”

The lawyer simply said, “Next time you are complaining that someone is dumping detergents into a pond, it’s a good idea not to wash your car right next to it!”

The lawyer then advised my neighbor to stop the complaints, because we had enough false complaints against us that we could sue for libel and harassment and easily win. My father never did sue, but it still warms my heart to know how karma was so promptly served.

(The latest management fad is a daily briefing in which we have to state yesterday’s achievements and objectives for today, with a three-minutes time limit, all while standing in a circle holding hands. The implementer of the fad alternates between interrupting people for not giving their statements correctly and reprimanding them for running out of time. My turn comes, but a colleague cuts me off:)

Colleague: “[My Name], get a ladder and get someone to hang that map…”

Me: “Oh, while they have the ladder out, they could also change the burnt-out light bulb in the corridor!”

Fad Implementer: *holding up a finger like I was a little kid* “No, no, no, [My Name], this is not a topic for the morning briefing!”

Me: *speechless*

(I just hope the fad dies out before I punch him in the throat.)

(I work in a pool store. We are in the middle of the summer. The phone is ringing non-stop, and all the team is working very hard, but as usual at this time of summer, our schedule is full. We are trying to fulfill our work as best as we can. We all work extra hours, every day. The phone rings.)

Me: “Good afternoon. [Pool Store]! This is [My Name]. What can I do for you today?”

Caller: “Hi, um… I have a frog in my pool. I need you to come and take it away!”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t understand.”

Caller: “What time you will arrive?”

Me: “I see that you are not in our database, and unfortunately we don’t have any technicians available at the moment; in fact, the schedule is full this week. I can see if one of our technicians is near to your location and see if they can do it. Can you give me your address?”

Caller: “How much it will cost me?”

Me: “To be honest, I will just charge you for a half-hour of technician work; I think it will be more than necessary to catch the little swimmer in your pool. It will be [price].”

Caller: “Why so much? Two minutes of work will cost me half an hour?!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, this is our store policy; I have to charge for half an hour, even if the work will be done in less time.”

Caller: “Okay, bring him here right away!”

Me: “As I said to you, first I need to check with our technicians. I have no guarantee that they are able to go to your home now or today because of the workload that we have at this time of year, but let me check and I will call you back in a moment!”

Caller: “You said you could send a technician to my house right away!”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t say that. First let me check with the technicians, okay? I will call you back in fifteen minutes.”

(I call the technicians, and I find one near the address of the caller, so I ask him if he can do the job, since it will be really fast. He complains, but while he is on the phone with me he rings the doorbell of the caller’s house. I call back the caller as fast as I can, because our policy is to inform the customer before we do anything.)

Me: “Hi, this is [My Name] from [Pool Store]. Good news! I found a technician near your house, and he is probably ringing the doorbell right now!”

Caller: “He already entered the house. Thank you very much for your quick service! I hope I see you when I go to your store to pay out the bill!”

Me: “You are welcome, and I’m glad I could help you so quickly, too. Bye, have a nice week.”

(After five minutes I received a call from the same person, complaining that the technician was refusing to clean the pool for her.)

(I am in the supermarket checkout lane, the fourth customer in line. Third in line is an ambulance crew, clearly getting food and beverages for their breakfast and lunch. Suddenly, their radio crackles:)

Radio: *loud enough for everyone close to hear* “Ambulance [number], car accident at [address], two vehicles involved, several injured. Ambulance [other number] is on its way, as well, to assist.”

(One of the ambulance crew starts to leave, to go get the car, while the other stays back a few seconds to speak to the cashier:)

Ambulance Crew #1: “D***, guess another day without breakfast.” *now to the cashier* “Can we leave our things with you so someone puts them back? We can’t wait until it’s our turn.”

First Person in Line: “Just cancel my order and ring them through first.”

Cashier: “Won’t work. I need the manager, and he’ll take a couple minutes to get here. You can just leave it on the conveyor belt; I’ll put it away.”

(The second crew member thanks the cashier, and starts to leave.)

First Person in Line: “All right, just ring it through with my things; I’ll pay for it.”

(The cashier quickly asked the customer to confirm, and as she did the cashier rang everything through in less than 15 seconds, and gave it to the second crew-member who immediately walked towards the door. As soon as he got outside, the ambulance drove up, so no time was wasted with the driver waiting for the other crew-member to arrive. In the end, it wasn’t that big of a deal, monetary wise. Couldn’t have been more than 10 or 15€ total. Still, it was great to see the customer not even thinking twice about paying for the groceries, just to make sure the ambulance crew would have something to eat before trying to save lives.)

(For some reason, tourists, especially American tourists, assume Portuguese people can speak Spanish, and consider it acceptable to approach someone and speak to them in Spanish — in horrible Spanish, I must say. Contrary to their beliefs, we Portuguese despise being spoken to in Spanish, as it is not our language. It is a sunny summer day. I am walking through Lisbon, and I have already been spoken to in Spanish four times. This fifth time, I have had enough. Beside Portuguese, I am also fluent in German.)

Stranger: *in Spanish* “Hello. Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in English, hoping they’d catch the clue* “Hello. I am sorry. I couldn’t understand you; could you repeat yourself, please?”

Stranger: *in Spanish, once again* “Can you tell me how to get to Rossio?”

Me: *in German* “Ah, of course, Rossio. You just go straight ahead, turn left at the next…”

Stranger: *interrupting me, in English this time* “I don’t speak that gibberish. Can’t you speak in a language I understand?”

Me: *in English, before walking away* “And I don’t speak Spanish. If you’re in Portugal and need something, speak Portuguese or English!”

Related:
Totally Estupido, Part 2
Totally Estupido