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An Apologetic Customer Is Never Eggs-pected

, , , , | Right | June 28, 2020

I am shopping at the local farmer’s market and my last stop is the stand where I usually buy eggs. The lady who runs the stand is always incredibly patient and nice, and let’s just say I am being an airhead this day.

Me: “Hello. I’d like a dozen eggs, please.”

Farmer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I only have a half-dozen eggs.”

I stupidly think she means she has only half-cartons.

Me: “That’s okay; I’ll just take two of those.”

Farmer: *Hesitates* “Um, no, I mean that I literally only have six eggs.”

She pulls out her last carton, opens it, and shows me that there are only six eggs inside.

Farmer: “The last person only bought six and this was my last carton.”

Me: “Oh, my God, I am so stupid. Sorry about that, and thank you very much!”

I left rather embarrassed, and without any eggs.

Sounds Stellar

, , , , , | Working | June 19, 2020

I’m getting ready to fly to a graduate program interview, and I’m using a self-check-in kiosk. I print my tickets with no issues, but then I notice that my first name is misspelled on my ticket; there is an S at the end of my name that shouldn’t be there. I flag down an employee and ask them to help me out.

Employee: “Well, this shouldn’t be too much of a problem to change. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Me: “It’s no problem. I probably hit an extra key while making the reservation.”

Employee: “Can I see your ID?”

As I go to hand the employee my ID, I see my full name and I realize where the letter came from: my middle initial starts with S.

Me: “Oh… I just figured out where the extra S is from. That’s my middle initial, isn’t it?”

Employee: “You know, this is a common complaint we get. You’d think I’d know by now to tell customers and not have to look it up.”

Me: “Forget this ever happened?”

Employee: “Deal.”

Customer Service Can Provide Some Near-Death Experiences

, , , , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

A customer places a houseplant on the checkout counter. It is a lovely dwarf jade with purple stems and light green foliage with yellow edges. I smile and start ringing his order when the customer says:

Customer: “I don’t suppose you offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts?”

No one has ever asked me that before and I am not really sure what he means. At first, I’m thinking that this poor man is inflicted with some kind of fatal illness. Realizing that this is a weird discount to ask for, my next conclusion is that he is using a funny way of asking for a SENIOR discount. The man only appears to be in his late thirties so that doesn’t really seem right either.

After an awkward amount of silence and solid eye contact, I finally say:

Me: “Um… well… we do have a senior discount… if that is what you are asking.”

Now the customer looks confused, and we share another few awkward moments of silence before he bursts out laughing and points at the jade and says:

Customer: “The plant! The plant is approaching death! Not me!”

I, too, burst out laughing and explain that the purple stems and yellow edges on the plant are, in fact, natural, and that the plant is healthy.

Me: “So, unfortunately, no, we cannot offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts at this time.”

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

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Read the Houseplant roundup!

This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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Spreading Sparkles Of Justice

, , , , , | Right | May 19, 2020

I’m walking up to a coffee shop. A group of rowdy but harmless-looking teenagers are sitting outside.

Male Teenager: *To me* “Hey! I’m Sparkles!”

I reply in my best “grownup-talking-to-a-small-child” voice.

Me: “Well… Yay for being Sparkles, sweetie!”

Male Teenager: “I love her! I love this woman!”

I walk inside, still smiling, and I’m about to suggest the employees provide no more caffeine to the teens outside when I see the employees are clearly distressed and trying to calm a man in the store shouting and berating the barista.

Customer: “I wanted this iced! You are useless!”

Suddenly, he looks at me, trying to drag me into the ordeal.

Customer: “I’ll bet even she knows what I want when I say I want a ‘breve’ latte!”

Again, I call forth my best “grownup-talking-to-a-small-child” voice.

Me: “Yes, I do. It means that you want a latte made with hot half-and-half instead of milk… unless, of course, you ordered it iced.”

The man now realizes the error was his and waits quietly while the barista — now fighting back laughter instead of tears — prepares him the breve latte he ordered. He leaves.

Barista: “Thank you so much! Your drink is on me tonight!”

As I walk outside, the male teenager again shouts:

Male Teenager: “I’m still not over this woman! I love her!

I walked to my car sipping my free drink, feeling loved!

A Vacation With No End Date? Must Be Nice

, , , , | Right | February 17, 2020

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]; how can I assist you today?”

Caller: “I want to book a flight to Virginia Beach for Christmas break.”

Me: “Okay, and what day would you like to leave?”

Caller: “Oh… I didn’t know you were going to ask me that… I guess I’ll have to call back.”