I work as a seasonal cashier in a specialized gift shop over the holidays. I have just finished ringing up a customer.

Customer: “Thank you very much! Merry Christmas!”

Me: “You’re welcome! Merry Christmas to you, too!”

After the customer leaves, my coworker walks up to me.

Coworker: “Hey, didn’t you say you were an atheist?”

Me: “Um, yeah?”

Coworker: “Oh, I was just wondering if you ever get upset when people tell you ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘God bless you.’”

As I am about to reply, I overhear a customer talking not so quietly to her husband.

Customer: “Dear, did you hear? That girl doesn’t believe in God! How despicable! She shouldn’t even be working here!”

I turn to my coworker, just loud enough so the customer can hear:

Me: “No, I don’t get upset when people have different religious beliefs than me. Just because I’m atheist doesn’t mean I’m not an honest, decent person, or that I can’t accept that others have the right to believe what they want.”

My coworker realizes what I am doing.

Coworker: “Yeah. It’s a real shame other people can’t keep their opinions to themselves. I especially hate it when someone claiming to be Christian doesn’t act very Christlike by judging others.”

The customer, now thoroughly embarrassed, tells her husband to finish his shopping while she waits for him outside. She whispers something else to him before she leaves. A few moments later, the husband walks up with his purchase.

Customer’s Husband: “Hello. My wife wanted me to tell you she was very sorry, and that she was too ashamed to apologize herself.”

Me: “No problem, sir! Please tell her that her apology is accepted, and to have a very Merry Christmas!”

I work in a grocery store bakery. Our bakery does not have a register and no one in the bakery is trained to use one. This customer approaches my counter when I’m just about to close and am the only person in the department.

Customer: “How much are these croissants?”

Me: “They’re $3.99, $2 with a club card.”

Customer: “I don’t have one of your stupid cards. Here, just take four.”

The customer tries to hand me cash.

Me: “Sorry, I don’t have a register; you have to pay for that up front or in the deli department next door.”

Customer: “I’m not walking all the way up front! Stop being lazy and just take the f****** money!”

Me: “Your purchases need to go through a register, and I’m not even trained to use one. Please stop trying to hand me your money and go find a clerk to process your transaction.”

Customer: “F*** you! I can’t believe you won’t let me pay you because you’re lazy. Get me a manager! I’m going to have your stupid a** fired!” 

Me: “Mmkay.”

I page over a manager and the customer is “nice” enough to explain the entire situation exactly before I can speak, albeit belligerently and loudly.

Manager: “Ma’am, every purchase needs to go through a register so we can keep track of what is sold and how much money is being earned; that’s how a business works.”

Customer: “Shut up! Thieves!”

The customer throws her money in my face and runs out of the store with the croissants.

Me: “So, uh, what now?” 

The manager picks up the money and begins counting.

Manager: “She left $20.” *Shuffles through it* “Here’s $16; consider it a tip. Too tired to deal with this s***.”

Related:
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 13
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 12
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 11
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 10
Lack Of Register Does Not Register, Part 9

My family is playing board games one night, and we are playing a game where you build a city and place people in it to gain points. My mom places her tile but doesn’t have any people to place on her tile so she doesn’t get any points.

Me: “That’s what you get for spreading yourself too thin. Wasn’t that Napoleon’s problem?”

Brother: “No, he attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “Then who am I thinking of?”

Brother: “Alexander the Great. But he also attacked Russia in winter.”

Me: “But he had elephants.”

Brother: “No, that was Hannibal.”

Me: “Hello, this is [Doctor]’s office. How may I help you?”

All I hear are very loud chewing and crunching noises. I wait for a half a minute, in case the caller was just finishing up a quick snack before they called.

Me: “Hello? Are you there? Can you hear me?”

Nope, still eating. I wait another half minute. The whole time, the caller doesn’t say anything but keeps eating. The sounds are making me feel nauseated, but I don’t want to just hang up on them.

Me: “Would you like to call back when you’re finished with your lunch?”

The caller chews faster and then swallows very audibly.

Caller: “No, thanks, I’m done now!”

The phone number to this office doesn’t have a hold queue, and most of the regular patients, including the one who called, are aware of this. I get that people are busy and can only call the doctor during their lunch break, but there is no excuse for calling while you’re in the middle of eating.

An older man comes into the grooming department of our pet store as I have just finished grooming a dog, so I come up to see how I can help him.

Man: “How much do you charge for Schnauzers?”

Me: “Oh, about [fairly standard price for a small dog], and that includes the nails, bath, and the whole haircut.”

The man makes a gruff face.

Man: “That’s really expensive!”

Me: *With a small smile* “Oh, actually, we’re on the average to low end for the area.”

Man: “Where I go, it’s [price], and they do the bath and everything!”

His price is absurdly low, half of what I quoted him. I give him a wide but very bland smile, using a tactic I’ve often heard works with hagglers.

Me: “Oh, that sounds like a great price. I’d stick with that.”

The man huffs a bit and leaves the salon and the store. I’m still holding the dog I just finished and am just about to call his owners when the store manager walks in. 

Me: *Jokingly* “Hey, [Manager], I guess we’re really expensive for Schnauzers.”

Manager: “You were talking to the old guy? I just spent forever helping him find that forty-foot tie out. He said it was too expensive, as well, and he called me a cheap bastard because the store didn’t have a wheelchair for him to use.” *Frowns* “Hey, he just walked out without paying for that product!”