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When Will Hagglers Learn This Will Never Work?

, , , , , | Right | August 3, 2020

An older man comes into the grooming department of our pet store as I have just finished grooming a dog, so I come up to see how I can help him.

Man: “How much do you charge for Schnauzers?”

Me: “Oh, about [fairly standard price for a small dog], and that includes the nails, bath, and the whole haircut.”

The man makes a gruff face.

Man: “That’s really expensive!”

Me: *With a small smile* “Oh, actually, we’re on the average to low end for the area.”

Man: “Where I go, it’s [price], and they do the bath and everything!”

His price is absurdly low, half of what I quoted him. I give him a wide but very bland smile, using a tactic I’ve often heard works with hagglers.

Me: “Oh, that sounds like a great price. I’d stick with that.”

The man huffs a bit and leaves the salon and the store. I’m still holding the dog I just finished and am just about to call his owners when the store manager walks in. 

Me: *Jokingly* “Hey, [Manager], I guess we’re really expensive for Schnauzers.”

Manager: “You were talking to the old guy? I just spent forever helping him find that forty-foot tie out. He said it was too expensive, as well, and he called me a cheap bastard because the store didn’t have a wheelchair for him to use.” *Frowns* “Hey, he just walked out without paying for that product!”

The Weird Adventures Of Brenda The Desperado

, , , | Right | July 6, 2020

I see a lot of interesting people in my store. I’m a fairly new employee and this is only my second week working there. It’s about two in the morning and I’m just kind of messing around and taking sips off a nasty new Coke product. 

In comes the most intriguing man ever. From the top down, he has a cowboy hat, long hair and beard, white denim jacket, tie-dye shirt, white jeans, and expensive snakeskin cowboy boots. He’s perusing for a bit and I’m expecting something outrageous to happen. I notice he has a revolver on his hip, and I get a little scared. 

He grabs two bottles of wine and some jerky. He brings them to the register and points through an overhead cigarette rack to a pack of Lucky Strikes — a weird non-filter cigarette brand I know was popular during the Second World War. I ring him up and tell him his total. He rifles through a wallet full of Monopoly money and foreign currency but decides to use his card. Card approved.

I start bagging his stuff and he’s just eyeing me. It kind of feels like he’s examining me for some sort of reaction. I make eye contact a couple of times and feel very small. His eyes are piercing me. 

I give him his bags and receipts and he actually starts talking, drumming up a casual conversation about concentration camps.

Actual quotes.

Cowboy: “Do you subscribe to the idea of Holocaust denial?”

Me: “Uh…”

Cowboy: “Hitler was an evil man. But he wasn’t so clever as to fake his death camps.”

Me: “Definitely not clever.”

Cowboy: “Would you be able to do it?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Cowboy: “Fake a concentration camp for fake political fulfillment.”

Me: “I mean, no. I work at a convenience store.”

Cowboy: “Hitler was a painter and half a eunuch. You have your balls, right?”

Me: “Uh…”

The cowboy nods politely and begins to leave. 

Me: “What’s your name, sir?”

Cowboy: “Call me Brenda.”

This man comes in twice a week and hasn’t spoken a word since. I love my job.

This story is part of the Convenience Store roundup!

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An Apologetic Customer Is Never Eggs-pected

, , , , | Right | June 28, 2020

I am shopping at the local farmer’s market and my last stop is the stand where I usually buy eggs. The lady who runs the stand is always incredibly patient and nice, and let’s just say I am being an airhead this day.

Me: “Hello. I’d like a dozen eggs, please.”

Farmer: “Oh, I’m sorry. I only have a half-dozen eggs.”

I stupidly think she means she has only half-cartons.

Me: “That’s okay; I’ll just take two of those.”

Farmer: *Hesitates* “Um, no, I mean that I literally only have six eggs.”

She pulls out her last carton, opens it, and shows me that there are only six eggs inside.

Farmer: “The last person only bought six and this was my last carton.”

Me: “Oh, my God, I am so stupid. Sorry about that, and thank you very much!”

I left rather embarrassed, and without any eggs.

Sounds Stellar

, , , , , | Working | June 19, 2020

I’m getting ready to fly to a graduate program interview, and I’m using a self-check-in kiosk. I print my tickets with no issues, but then I notice that my first name is misspelled on my ticket; there is an S at the end of my name that shouldn’t be there. I flag down an employee and ask them to help me out.

Employee: “Well, this shouldn’t be too much of a problem to change. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.”

Me: “It’s no problem. I probably hit an extra key while making the reservation.”

Employee: “Can I see your ID?”

As I go to hand the employee my ID, I see my full name and I realize where the letter came from: my middle initial starts with S.

Me: “Oh… I just figured out where the extra S is from. That’s my middle initial, isn’t it?”

Employee: “You know, this is a common complaint we get. You’d think I’d know by now to tell customers and not have to look it up.”

Me: “Forget this ever happened?”

Employee: “Deal.”

Customer Service Can Provide Some Near-Death Experiences

, , , , , , | Right | June 15, 2020

A customer places a houseplant on the checkout counter. It is a lovely dwarf jade with purple stems and light green foliage with yellow edges. I smile and start ringing his order when the customer says:

Customer: “I don’t suppose you offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts?”

No one has ever asked me that before and I am not really sure what he means. At first, I’m thinking that this poor man is inflicted with some kind of fatal illness. Realizing that this is a weird discount to ask for, my next conclusion is that he is using a funny way of asking for a SENIOR discount. The man only appears to be in his late thirties so that doesn’t really seem right either.

After an awkward amount of silence and solid eye contact, I finally say:

Me: “Um… well… we do have a senior discount… if that is what you are asking.”

Now the customer looks confused, and we share another few awkward moments of silence before he bursts out laughing and points at the jade and says:

Customer: “The plant! The plant is approaching death! Not me!”

I, too, burst out laughing and explain that the purple stems and yellow edges on the plant are, in fact, natural, and that the plant is healthy.

Me: “So, unfortunately, no, we cannot offer any ‘Approaching Death’ discounts at this time.”

This story is part of our Houseplant roundup!

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This story has been included in our June 2020 roundup as one of that month’s most memorable stories!

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