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Evolution Is Sliding Back

, , , | Right | December 7, 2019

(I’m a lifeguard for a couple of pools run by the local government. I’m working in the deep stand, which is the lifeguard stand directly next to the diving well. We allow adults to swim in the diving well during adult swim when the slide is closed.)

Swimmer: “Do you need to know how to swim to go in the well?”

Me: “Yes, it’s nine feet deep. You’d drown if you went in.”

Swimmer: “Yeah, a lifeguard saved me last week when I went in.”

Me: “Why’d you go in if you didn’t know how to swim?”

Swimmer: “The slide looked like fun and I thought I’d learn quickly.”

(She didn’t go in, but I still had to save someone else who went in despite not knowing how to swim. His comment afterward: “That was fun. Can I go back in now?”)

Their Parenting Has Taken A Dive

, , , , | Right | October 27, 2019

(I am swimming at a public pool. I have just come up from under the water, and I hear a woman berating a lifeguard by the diving board.)

Lifeguard: “Ma’am, I’m just trying to keep people safe.”

Woman #1: “Show me where it says in the rule book! It doesn’t say! People were doing it yesterday and no one said anything!”

Lifeguard: “I wasn’t here yesterday, so I don’t know about what happened then. But I know our training covers that this is not allowed.”

Woman #1: “Show me where it says in the rule book! If it’s against the rules, it should be posted!”

(After a few more minutes of arguing, the lifeguard goes to get the rule book. The woman beside me shares a look with me.)

Woman #2: “I saw the whole thing. Not only did they have someone waiting in the pool to catch the kid, they had someone else on the diving board because the kid was too small to really jump! If your kid is too young to be on the diving board himself, what makes you think it’s a good idea to throw him off?”

H2Oh My

, , | Right | October 25, 2019

(The pool where I work is having a swim meet against a wealthier neighborhood pool. The concessions stand is incredibly swamped, except for at this very moment.)

Customer: “Hi! Could you fill this cup up?” *puts cup directly into my hand*

(We give out cups of ice for free and the customers fill them up at the water fountain themselves.)

Me: “Oh, sure. I’ll be right back!” *leaves and fills it up*

Customer: “Did you just fill this up at the water fountain outside?”

Me: “Yeah, we use that water because it is colder and tastes better than the tap water in here.”

Customer: “Oh, that’s why it tastes awful! Do you have any bottled water?”

Me: “Yes, for $1.25. The cup of ice is free.”

Customer: *sighs and storms off*

Me: *turns to my coworker who just overheard this* “The h*** was that for?”

Coworker: “Snobby rich parents require gourmet water, I guess. She should have just brought some from her own d*** pool.”

Orange Is The New Black

, , , , , , | Learning | August 3, 2019

(I’ve been a swim coach for the past ten years, and every summer I get at least one moment that reminds me of how nine-year-olds always keep you on your toes. The swimmer is this story is a nine-year-old girl with a rainbow swimsuit and a pink glittery swim cap. Just a little bundle of bubbly girl power.)

Swimmer: “Coach, coach, I know what car is yours!”

Me: “Oh? What car?”

Swimmer: “The orange one, because orange is your favorite color.”

Me: *looking down and realizing I’m in my bright orange swimsuit and sunglasses today* “Yeah, I guess it is.”

Swimmer: “Why is orange your favorite color?”

Me: “Because it’s a happy color.”

Swimmer: “I like black.”

(Before I can ask why black is her favorite color, the nine-year-old swimmer flexes her arms and squats down as she scream-growls:)

Swimmer: “BECAUSE I’M METAL!”

(The swimmer proceeded to stand up, giggle, and run over to the pool to dive in like nothing had happened and leaving me to burst into fits of shocked laughter.)

Oof, And Also Yikes

, , , , , | Friendly | August 1, 2019

I recently overheard this at the apartment pool:

“I told him I wished he’d die in a car accident, and then he died in that car accident? I meant it, but I didn’t mean it mean it.”