Scammer: “Hello. I’m calling from your network provider, [Company], to ask you about how satisfied you are with your service.”

Me: “I’m not with [Company].”

Scammer: “Okay, who are you with?”

Me: “That doesn’t matter. You’re calling from [Company], and I’ve told you I’m not with [Company], so you’re wasting your time.”

Scammer: *Taking on an irritable tone* “Sir, it is required that you tell me which provider you are with.”

Me: *Laughing* “Required?! Required by who? I don’t have to tell you which provider I’m with.”

Scammer: *Softening his tone* “Sir, I would like to know which provider you’re with so I can check the right deals for you.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Scammer: “So, which provider are you with?”

Me: “[Company].”

Scammer: “Okay. Have a nice day, and f*** you.”

I just collapsed into laughter. I didn’t think they could swear.

Me: “Same to you!”

Reading a Not Always Right story about a scam arrest warrant reminded me of the one I got.

Caller: “I have a warrant for your arrest that will be served to you tomorrow unless you make restitution today as we speak.”

Me: “I knew this was coming. But what is this restitution you are saying?”

Caller: “I can cancel the service of the warrant and your subsequent arrest tomorrow if you will pay, while we are on the phone, $450.”

Me: “How am I supposed to pay you cash over the phone? That’s impossible.”

Caller: “That’s not how it works. Are you on a cell phone?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Stay on the line, go to [Store], and buy $450 worth of gift cards, and I will tell you the next step.”

Me: “Ya know… Now that I think about this, I would get free room and meals, cable TV, and Internet. So. Why don’t you serve me and arrest me? I will gladly go to jail.”

Caller: “A**hole.” *Click*

I live in France, and I’m a native French speaker, but I can speak English quite fluently. I also took German when I was in high school and college, and I remember some of it.

I’m hanging out at my home, and I get a phone call.

Me: “Allo?”

Scammer: “Hello! Do you speak English?”

He speaks with a strong accent I cannot identify, and he sounds awkward, like English is definitely not his mother language.

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “This is Microsoft. There are three dangerous viruses on your computer, and I’m here to help you get rid of them.”

This is an obvious scam attempt. I could just hang up, but I decide to play with him instead.

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t speak English. I really, really don’t speak a single word in English, so I guess I cannot help you.”

Scammer: “You’re telling me that you don’t speak English, in English.”

Me: “Yes!”

Scammer: “There’s a problem with your computer. Whenever you use Google, it attracts dangerous programs, and you need to get rid of them.”

Me: “But I don’t have a computer!”

Scammer: “Are you Mrs. [Not My Name]?”

Me: “No, and I don’t speak English at all!”

He hangs up. I shrug it off and start going about my business again. Then, the phone rings again and it’s him. I decide to answer in German until he hangs up.

Me: “Hello!”

Scammer: “Hello. I need your phone number to help you get rid of this virus.”

Me: “I don’t understand.”

Scammer: “What are you saying?”

Me: “I don’t understand. I only speak German.”

Scammer: “I don’t understand. Speak English.”

This goes on, and then I hang up. One minute later, guess who phones again? This time, I answer in French.

Scammer: “This is Microsoft. Are you Mrs. [Not My Name]?”

Me: “No, I’m not Mrs. [Not My Name]. Would you like me to sing you a song?”

Scammer: “I don’t understand what you’re saying. There’s a problem with your computer.”

I sing something and go about my business again. He has hung up when I come back. I think I’ve gotten rid of him, but then he phones again. This time, I answer in English.

Scammer: “You have a virus on your computer. Please, give me your phone number.”

Me: “Why would I do that? I’m a married person, and I will never, ever cheat on my wife!”

Scammer: “Your wife or your husband?”

Me: “My wife! She’s beautiful!”

This is a lie as I’m a happily single lady. However, this seems to trigger the scammer.

Scammer: “This is wrong! Really wrong! You should be ashamed of yourself!”

He hung up and never called again. This scammer was stoic no matter how silly I acted, but the single idea of interacting with an LGBT person was enough to make him run away. This is a very sad way to win the war against telemarketers.

I was visiting a friend, and as we were hanging out, her phone rang. It showed up as “Unknown Number”, which meant it was likely a scam call. She picked up anyway.

Friend: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello! We want to tell you that you won our big cash prize!”

Friend: “You sure? Isn’t this a scam?”

Scammer: “Of course, it is.” *Click*

So… that was that.

During the global health crisis, my boyfriend’s job goes fully remote (as many jobs did). One day, he’s presenting in a meeting when he sees that his grandma is calling him. He ignores it since he’s not just IN the meeting but leading it. His dad calls, and he ignores it. Then, his sister calls. She is a serial texter, and he doesn’t know the last time she called him.

Boyfriend: “I’m sorry. Can you excuse me for a minute? My phone has been blowing up and now my sister is calling me; I think there may be a family emergency going on.”

He quickly mutes his meeting and answers the phone.

Sister: “Where are you?”

Boyfriend: “Uh, at home? Working? Actually, in the middle of leading an important meeting?”

Sister: “So, just to confirm, you were not just in a car accident because you were driving drunk?”

Boyfriend: “What?!”

It turned out that his grandparents got a quintessential scam call: a “lawyer” was calling because [Boyfriend] “had been arrested and needed bail before they’d let him go to the hospital”. They had someone crying in the background pretending to be him; it was apparently pretty scary.

Luckily, his grandma was already skeptical because the person pretending to be [Boyfriend] said something about, “Dad is in a meeting so he can’t help me,” and [Boyfriend]’s dad had just been furloughed. As soon as his grandma said one of her sons was a lawyer, they hung up right away. They all were 99% sure it was a scam, but they couldn’t relax until they heard from [Boyfriend].