Pulling Out The Hard Disk Is Not A Viable Method Of Protection

, , , , | | Legal | May 22, 2019

(I belong to the “senior citizen” demographic that many telemarketers target and exploit; hence, I receive numerous calls from scammers trying to sell me computer security software. One of the scams going around for the past several years is from “Windows Technical Support.” If you go through with the process, you have essentially handed over the control of your computer to them. In fact, there are many stories of people who fell for this scam and had to pay up to regain control of their computers, and many of the victims are senior citizens. I get a call and the telemarketer asks if there is a “senior citizen” in my household. I think it has to be a scammer looking for a gullible old man, so I decided to play along and play dumb.)

Scammer: “Hello, I am [Scammer] calling from Windows PC Tech Support. Is there a senior citizen in your household?”

Me: “Yes, I am a senior citizen.”

Scammer: “Sir, our company provides technical support for Windows Operating System. We have monitored several error messages from your computer. We suspect that your computer is infected with computer viruses and would like to help you fix your computer.”

Me: “Huh… What?”

Scammer: *realizing that he is talking to a senior citizen and needs to dumb down* “Sir, do you have a computer in your home?”

Me: *excitedly* “Yes! Yes!”

Scammer: “The Windows in your computer is infected with viruses.”

Me: “What windows? What are you trying to sell?”

Scammer: “No, sir, I am not trying to sell anything. We want to help you with your Windows.”

Me: “Are you selling windows? We don’t need no windows. We changed ours only last year.”

Scammer: “No, sir, not the windows of your home.”

Me: *annoyed* “Then what are you trying to sell? I don’t have time for this!”

Scammer: *articulating each word* “We are not trying to sell anything to you, sir. We are offering virus protection.”

Me: “What?!”

Scammer: “Your Windows computer protection, sir. Protection!”

Me: “Oh I see. Protection… Yes, I understand. Protection. So, you are selling condoms. Oh, yes, I understand.”

(There was a moment of silence on the other end. Then he hung up. Perhaps he had a good laugh and then typed up his customer service story about an old geezer who thought virus protection was a type of condom.)

If Anyone Is Gonna Get A Virus…

, , | | Legal | May 21, 2019

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, I am calling from the computer network office. Your computer has been receiving multiple error messages, due to downloading viruses from the Internet that are harmful to your computer.”

Me: “Oh, no! How’d that happen?!”

Scammer: “Your computer has downloaded viruses from the Internet. If you are near your computer, I can help you block and purge the viruses.”

Me: “What do I need to do?”

Scammer: “Ma’am, I need you to go to your computer, and hit [key sequence].”

Me: “Okay!”

Scammer: “Okay, ma’am, please tell me what you see on your computer screen.”

Me: “All my files.”

Scammer: “No, ma’am, I need you to push [key sequence] and tell me what appears on your screen.”

Me: “Okay!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, what do you see on your computer screen?”

Me: “My files.”

Scammer: “Ma’am, what files are these?”

Me: “Porn.”

Scammer: “…”

Me: “My husband and I are amateur pornography filmmakers. We post our homemade videos online. They usually star us and our friends.”

Scammer: *hangs up*

They Have No Power To Scam You

, , , , | | Legal | May 10, 2019

(In our area, we’ve had a high number of scam calls claiming to be [Power Company] and demanding payment. It’s so common that the actual power company has added a warning on their website.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this is [Scammer] with [Power Company]–”

Me: “Oh, no, ma’am, we don’t have power. We’re Amish.”

Scammer: “…” *click*

(This happened earlier today, so it’ll be interesting to see if that actually gets me off the list.)

Operation Fake Cry

, , , , | | Legal | May 9, 2019

(Our house is extremely popular with phone marketers, scammers, etc. On this particular day, my dad is in the hospital undergoing surgery to have a pacemaker installed for having extreme brachycardia. He’s “died” a lot over the years to the point where my sister and I just kind of got over it as it was a regular occurrence. I’m at home when I get a phone call. The number is local and I assume it’s a friend of the family calling to inquire about my dad.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hi, I was calling to inquire about whether [Father] would be interested in purchasing one of our cemetery plots.”

(Knowing this is a scam, I put on some fake waterworks.)

Me: “Do you mean my dad didn’t survive the surgery? Oh, my God! Nobody told me anything! I know his heart was weak, but they said he would make it through no problem!”

(I begin to sob, and I can tell the person at the other end is extremely uncomfortable.)

Telemarketer: “I am so sorry; we had no idea about the situation. I can call back at another less delicate time.”


(They ended up hanging up and we never received another call from them again. It’s been about five years now since that surgery and we haven’t needed that plot yet. I get that it is nice to prepare ahead, but the timing of it all was just too much.)

Monkeying Around With Windows

, , , , , | Legal | April 27, 2019

(I’m sitting at my desk at work, typing away, minding my own business, when the phone rings. I pick up the call and hear my very favorite line.)

Caller: “Hello, this is Windows Technical Support. I am calling about a problem with your computer.”

Me: *cue troll-face* “No, you’re not.”

Caller: *pauses* “Yes, ma’am. I am calling because your computer has reported a virus.”

Me: “My computer has gained self-awareness and reported its own problem?!”

Caller: *pauses and I can hear the confusion* “This is Windows Technical Support, ma’am.”

Me: *legs crossed, trying not to pee laughing* “No, it’s not. Do people seriously fall for this anymore? You guys have really got to get honest work.”

Caller: *pauses again* “This is not a scam.”

Me: “Yeah. It really is. I’m not stupid. Have you heard of karma? Because you’re getting a lot of the bad kind right now.”

Caller: *mumbles something under his breath I can’t make out* “Are you mad, ma’am? Are you mad?”

Me: *almost explodes into a giggle-fit* “Yes, actually. I’m mad you keep calling my place of employment and interrupting my day.”

(I’m actually not mad at all. This is my favorite thing ever: to mess with scammers.)

Caller: “You are mad! You are a mad monkey!”

Me: *almost chokes* “I’m sorry, what?”

Caller: “YOU ARE A MAD MONKEY! A MAD MONKEY!” *starts screaming in another language and hangs up*

Me: *dissolves into a five-minute-long laughing fit*

(He honest-to-god called me a mad monkey. I thought I was going to pass out from laughing. That was much more entertaining than the one who called me a stupid b****. God, I hope he or his friends call back soon.)

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