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The More Of Their Time You Waste, The Fewer People They Can Scam!

, , , , , | Legal | August 18, 2021

I’m getting calls every hour on my landline — I guess I have a landline; who knew? — from a scam call centre, hoping to coax me into letting them into my home network. I have ignored them, gotten angry, reported them, etc. They keep calling. So, I try a new tack.

Caller: “This is [Company] support. How are you?”

Me: “I’m great! How are you?”

Caller: “I’m good. I am calling about the problems with your broadband. We are seeing a lot of errors.”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! I’ve been meaning to call you about that. Thanks.”

Skip the bit when I straight-out lie about the colours of the lights on my router.

Caller: “So, do you have a laptop or computer to connect to the Internet?”

Me: “Yes, I have a laptop but is… um… in a box.”

Yeah, improv is not one of my skills. 

Caller: “If you set it up, I will wait.”

Me: “Great! Won’t be long.”

Now I am in a coffee shop. I wonder how long she waited before hanging up?

Someone Hates Their Job Extra Today

, , , , , | Legal | August 15, 2021

I never usually answer my phone for numbers I do not recognize. I am waiting for a call from my resident advisor regarding a dorming matter; he has my number but I do not have his. My phone rings and I assume it is him, so I answer it.

Me: “What’s up?!”

Scammer: “Hello, miss. We have been trying to get a hold of you for quite some time. Your computer has a serious bug and you need to act fast!”

I have nothing better to do, so let’s play along.

Me: “Really? D***. Which computer is it on?”

Scammer: “It is on your main computer. We need your details so we can log in and help get rid of the bug.”

Me: “Well, I have a couple of computers, so you really need to nail it down.”

Scammer: “Whichever one you use the most, that is the one.”

Me: “But I make sure to use them equally every day. If I didn’t, they would get upset with me!” *Whispering* “We wouldn’t like it if they got upset. You know what I mean?”

Scammer: “Um, no, I’m not really sure, but your computer has a—”

Me: “Yes, yes, a bug.” *Lowers voice* “But which ONNNNEEEEE?”

Scammer: “Miss—”

Me: “Shhh! Not so loud! They can hear us!”

Scammer: “Who?”


Scammer: “Okay, I’m just going to—”


I made sure to draw out the evil until I heard the distinctive click of the scammer hanging up. Game, set, match.

This story is part of our Best Of August 2021 roundup!

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Like The Steve Rogers Of Scammers, She Can Do This All Day

, , , , | Working | July 2, 2021

I was driving along the motorway and my phone was connected via Bluetooth so I could be completely hands-free except for the button on the steering wheel to disconnect the call.

I get one of those invest-your-money-with-us-thieves calls as I’ve just joined the motorway. I do the usual who’s-calling-please, no-thank-you-not-interested stuff, after which my usual technique is to block the number on the phone. But as I’m driving, I can’t do that; I don’t know of a voice command to block a number.

A few seconds later, she calls again.

Me: “Nope, still not interested.” *Click*


Me: “Nope. F*** off.” Click*


Me: “F*** off.” Click*


Me: “F*** off and die, c***.” *Click*

And again and again and again.

Eventually, I am amused enough to let her say something before telling her to f*** off. 

Caller: “Do you want to do this all day?”

Me: “Yep. F*** off.”

She still doesn’t get the message.

Eventually, we have done about twenty or thirty rounds of this.

Me: “It’s your time you’re wasting here, not mine; I’m still driving.”

That was when she finally understood that she was not going to get anywhere with me.

At the next service station, I parked and blocked the number in case she decided to play the game again.

They Read You Loud And Clear

, , , , | Legal | June 24, 2021

I’ve been getting an absurd number of spam calls from “Amazon” claiming I need to reconfirm my payment settings. It’s bad; I’m getting over five calls a day. Though I block the number each time, the number spoofing is good and I keep getting more and more calls from different places each time. Eventually, I get sick of it.

Me: *To my wife* “Ugh, another spam call. Brace yourself; I’m going to be loud.”

Wife: “Are you going to yell at them? That doesn’t work.”

Me: “No. I’m putting my theater and choir kid training to good use.”

I answer the call. The scammer does their spiel.

Scammer: “To speak with our cybersecurity department, press two.”

I press two and inhale deeply.

Scammer: “Thank you for calling Amazon—”

I screamed for a solid ten seconds. The scammer hung up. It seems to have worked; I haven’t gotten a call in weeks.

What, You Didn’t See That Coming?

, , , , | Legal | June 6, 2021

We’ve been getting a lot of scam calls for the past few months. Sometimes it’s “Windows” claiming my computer has a bug, sometimes we’ve apparently “won a free consultation with a fortune teller,” and so on. My mother works from home and is getting pretty pissed off because they keep interrupting her work. I decided to handle the next call.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Congratulations! You’ve been selected for a free consultation with our fortune teller!”

Me: *In a creepy tone* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to call me.”

Scammer: “Right! So, all we need from you is—”

Me: *Interrupting* “Oooooh, I knew you were going to ask me something.”

Scammer: “Okay, madam, erm… So, our fortune teller—”

Me: “Ooooooh, I knew it was a fortune teller.”

Scammer: *Stammering* “Erm… I don’t understand.”

Me: “Oooooh, I’m a Seer myself, you see.”

There’s a pause and then the scammer hangs up.

Me: “Oooooh, I knew they were going to hang up.”

My mother had to leave the room because she was laughing so much.

This story is part of our Best Of June 2021 roundup!

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