I am a clerical worker for a State Government Agency. All these robocalls and scammer calls are ridiculous. The phone rang the other day, and I looked at the caller ID. I was almost positive it was one of those, but hey, work phone. I answered.

Me: “Hi! [State Government Agency], how can I help you?”

I heard the click as the robo-dialer kicked it over to a live person, who did not hear this greeting.

Caller: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi! You’ve reached [State Government Agency]. How may I help you?”

All I can figure is he thought I was lying about the number he’d called and was trying to get out of talking to him.

Caller: “Well, then, f*** you, b****!”

And he hung up.

I started laughing and told my coworkers that he didn’t even give me a chance to tell him, “Not unless you buy me dinner first!”

I am extremely afraid of spiders and bugs. I am dealing with a very large cricket — easily as big as my palm — jumping around close to my feet.

All of a sudden, I get a scam call and answer.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hi, I’m [Scammer] from [Company]. How are you?” 

Me: *Scared* “Not good. I’m being stalked by a cricket!”

Scammer: “Oh… I’m sorry to hear that… Nbye…”

And she hung up. I guess I’ve figured out how to stop these calls?

I’m a community nurse. I’m sitting at my desk, attempting to complete some boring paperwork, and my phone rings. All calls are (usually) routed via our reception, but sometimes automatic dialer calls can come through directly.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello. I am calling from your Internet provider and—”

Me: “This is a National Health Service office. You are trying to scam the NHS.”

Scammer: “What? 

Me: “I’m a nurse. This is an NHS number. You are attempting to scam the NHS.”

Scammer: “And why is that my problem?” *Hangs up*

Me: “What…?”

Our store gets a call.

Caller: “Hello, sir, this is support services with [Video Game Creator Company].”

Instantly, of course, I know this is a scam. I adore this company and have played so many of their games. I can’t believe my luck! Of all the calls to answer!

Me: “Oh, uh… what can I do for you?”

Caller: “We’ve had reports that game keys shipped to your location may have an error that prevents them from authenticating, specifically the game Counter-Strike. We need to validate your game keys to see if you’re affected.”

Me: *Playing dumb* “Oh, what do I do?”

Caller: “Well, I just need you to open any copies of the game you have and read me the CD key on the instruction manual so I can verify them with our validation software.”

Me: “Sure thing. Can I put you on hold for a minute while I get those?”

Caller: *Obviously happy* “Sure!”

I put the scammer on hold while I call all the other area stores’ electronics departments and warn them about the scammer and confirm that nobody has taken a call like this earlier.

About fifteen minutes later, I get back to the scammer.

Me: “Thanks for holding, but I can’t find any CD keys. I looked all through the books and the packages.”

Caller: *Annoyed* “Well, sir, just open any copy of Counter-Strike and on the—”

Me: “Oh, COUNTER-STRIKE! I thought you said Counting-Strikes, that bowling game. Okay, hold on!”

Everyone in the department is listening, and we all laugh.

Ten minutes later, I’m back on the line.

Me: “Okay, I got what you’re looking for! What do you need?”

I make him walk me through how to open the box, including interrogating him for five minutes about how to do it without breaking the seal, and then pretend I can’t find the book, etc.

Finally, I’m ready to read the code!

First, I read him the UPC. This upsets him. Then, I read him a part number from something. Now, he’s livid. Finally, I ask if he means the code on the book that says, “Game key,” and has groups of four digits with dashes (like he’s said probably fifty times already) and he gets excited again.

Me: “Oh, okay, here’s the game key. F… like ‘Frank’. U… like ‘uncle’. C… like ‘cat’.”

Caller: “Sir, I don’t think that’s right. Normally, a code would—”

Me: “No, it’s F, U, C, and then K like ‘kite’. The next four are Y like ‘yesterday’… O like ‘owl’—”

He swore at me and hung up.

I was getting repeated calls about my Apple account being compromised. I don’t have an Apple account. I finally decided to press one for an agent to see if I could get rid of them.

Me: “Look, I know this is a scam. I want to get off your calling list.”

He got insistent, and I lost my temper and called him some names. I hung up, and then my phone started ringing every ten minutes with their robocall.

I finally pressed one again and got the same agent.

Me: “Please stop calling me.”

Agent: “No, it is our duty.”

At that point, I got a bright idea. I picked up a book I had been reading and began reading it out loud to him, ignoring everything he was trying to say to me.

After about three or four minutes of my reading to him, he hung up, and I haven’t heard from them since.