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Out Of Range

, , , | Legal | June 4, 2021

After weeks of getting phone calls about our car’s “expired warranty” and how we can improve on that, I finally decide to answer the phone.

Scammer: “Hi! Can I have the make and model of your car?”

Me: “Yes! It’s a 1998 Ford Ranger. If you can get a warranty on that… Oh, they hung up.”

I didn’t get another call about that for several months!

Scamming: Short, Sweet, And Still Stupid

, , , | Legal | May 27, 2021

Apparently, there is a new spin on the “your computer is infected” scam. Here is the full extent of a Saturday afternoon call to my landline.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Hello, this the technician who worked on your computer last time. Remember?”

I have a ten-second belly laugh.

Me: “Bye.”

Scammer: “Bye.”

For the record, no one — technician or otherwise — has worked on my computer.

They Don’t Have A Leg To Stand On

, , , | Legal | May 21, 2021

I get a scam call. I decide to have some fun messing with them.

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “I am calling about your car’s extended warranty that is about to expire.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I don’t have a car because I don’t have legs.”

Scammer: *Long pause* “Oh, I’m… um… sorry.” *Click*

Ah, Yes, The Long Lost Cousin Of I. C. Weiner

, , , , , | Legal | May 11, 2021

I’m hanging out with friends when my phone rings. The number shows my area code but it isn’t a number I recognize. I decide to answer anyway.

Me: “Hello?”

Recorded Voice: “This is the social security administration. Your social security number has been flagged for suspicious use.”

You know how the spiel goes. They’ll send out a warrant for my arrest, freeze my bank accounts, etc., unless I press a number to talk to an agent.

Scammer: “Social security office, how may I help you?”

Me: “I just got told my number has been flagged?”

Scammer: “Can I get your name?”

Me: “Yes, it’s Pat Bums.”

This is nowhere close to my name. My friends start cracking up, but I silence them so the “agent” doesn’t catch on.

Scammer: “All right, can you spell that for me?”

I spell it.

Scammer: “Thank you, Miss… ah… Bums. Can I get your social security number?”

Me: “Sure, it’s eight.”

There’s some silence.

Scammer: “Ma’am?”

Me: “Yes?”

Scammer: “I need your social security number to verify.”

Me: “Yes, it’s eight.”

Scammer: “The whole number?”

Me: “It’s the only one, yup!”

Scammer: “Ma’am—”

Me: “Oh, the big number!”

One of my friends has to leave the room as he’s laughing too hard.

Scammer: “Yes, ma’am, I need the whole social security number.”

Me: “Oh, yes, I remember! It’s twelve!”

Scammer: “Ma’am, this is a serious matter. If I cannot verify who you are, the arrest warrant may be issued.”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be honest. I’m not sure how you could arrest me.”

Scammer: “If your number was flagged—”

Me: “Sir, you know it’s illegal to impersonate a government employee?”

He hangs up. I set my phone down.

Me: “Next call, one of you guys is handling it.”

That’s The Trouble With Scammers; They Never Think Things Through

, , , , | Legal | March 19, 2021

Recently, we have been receiving a bunch of scam calls at my work. I knew it was only a matter of time before I got one. We are on the opposite side of the country from the headquarters, and they are three hours later than us. Also, they are never in the building on weekends. This call takes place on a Sunday evening.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Store]. How can I help you?”

Scammer: “I need to talk to a manager.”

Me: “I’m the supervisor on duty. How can I help you?”

Scammer: “This is [Scammer] from corporate. We are seeing a high number of gift card sales just going through your Point-Of-Sale system. We believe you have been infected with malware.”

Me: “Sorry, but I know you’re not from corporate. You’re gonna have to try again later. Good effort, though.”

I think I was mostly baffled that they thought somebody would believe there was anybody in our corporate office at 11:00 pm on a Sunday!