Honor Among Scammers

, , , , | Legal | December 2, 2018

(I am with my mom when she gets a voicemail from an obvious scammer. She decides to call the number the voicemail was sent from. She puts it on speaker phone so I can hear, as well.)

Scammer #1: “Hello?”

Mom: “Yes, I just received a voicemail from your company about a warrant I need to pay off?”

Scammer #1: “Yes, yes, we can help you pay off your warrant; we just need you to answer a few questions for security. What is your birthday?”

Mom: “[Date that is not her birthday].”

Scammer #1: “Okay, thank you.” *hangs up*

(Bewildered by the sudden hang up, my mom calls the number again and gets a different person.)

Scammer #2: “Yes, hello?”

Mom: “Hi. I was just talking to a coworker of yours about paying a warrant, but I answered one of his questions and he hung up on me.”

Scammer #2: *pause* “Look, ma’am, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but this is a scam, all right? Don’t give these people your information or money, please.”

Mom: *holding in laughter* “Okay, thanks for telling me.” *ends call*

(We spent the next few minutes laughing and congratulating the honest scammer.)

Not Really Feline This Scam

, , , , | Legal | November 23, 2018

(I answer the phone. For anyone who is not aware, a sufficiently vocal, angry cat can be fairly deafening.)

Caller: “Hello, I am calling because your Windows computer is infected with a virus.”

Me: “Oh, no. Really?”

Caller: “Yes, I will tell you how to remove it.”

Me: “Can you hold while I log in to the computer?” *places on hold*

(I pull up Youtube and find a video of an extremely angry cat screaming bloody murder, pause it, and crank up the computer’s volume. I then take the caller off hold, hold the phone up to the computer speaker, and hit play.)

Me: *after about twenty seconds of shrieking cat* “If you can still hear me, I’m busy. Go scam someone else.”


Rise And Scam

, , , | Legal | November 22, 2018

(It’s four am, and I get a call.)

Caller: “This is [My Bank]. I’m sorry for calling so early, but your credit card number has been stolen!”

Me: “What?!”

Caller: “Yes. To verify your identity, please give me your credit card number.”

(Like a sleep-deprived idiot, I give my number. They tell me that they’re going to freeze the account, and we hang up.)

Partner: “Mhmf. What did they want?”

Me: “My card’s been stolen! They called as soon as…”

Partner: “…as soon as it was stolen?”

Me: *realizing* “I… I need to call our bank. Now.”

(I cancelled the card. Luckily, I didn’t have any charges yet. I now set my phone to Do Not Disturb mode when sleeping, and I tell any “banks” that I’ll call them by their official number!)

The Spelling Has Become A Bit Vulgar Of Late

, , , , , | Related | November 20, 2018

(Perhaps because of their age, my parents are the target of a lot of scam calls. Luckily they don’t fall for them, and my mom in particular enjoys messing with these callers. One day the phone rings and the caller ID reads, “Columbia University.” Already suspecting a scam, my mom picks up. A man with a strong Indian accent speaks.)

Scammer: “I am calling from Microsoft Windows; we are calling to inform you that there is a virus on your computer.”

Mom: “And you’re calling from Columbia University?”

Scammer: *a pause* “That is where I am calling from, yes.”

Mom: “Can you even spell Columbia?”

Scammer: *offended* “Of course I can!”

(And to my mom’s surprise he actually does. Or, well, attempts to.)

Scammer: “It’s C…” *very long pause* “O… L…*another long pause, and then he apparently gives up* “F*** YOU!” *slams the phone down*

When Scammers Call Sex Lines

, , , , , | Friendly | November 20, 2018

(When scammers call, we like to scam them right back. I answer a call with a very breathy, “Hello.” The guy starts his spiel.)

Me: *interrupting with a very sexy-sounding* “What are you wearing?”

(He stutters, but continues his speech.)

Me: “I’m picturing you in fishnet stockings and stilettos.”

Scammer: “WHAT?!” *silence for a moment, then* “Guys! You have to hear this!”

(I hung up before he could hear my laughter.)


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