I have recently moved back to Michigan to be with my family, and for some reason, since moving back to that state, my scam calls on my cell phone have risen drastically. The ones that really annoy me are the ones about my supposed car warranty. Due to health issues and PTSD from being hit by a car three and a half years ago on top of that, I’ve never even had a driver’s license, though I have owned cars and sold them. (Long story, as a teenager I paid for a car at a used auction to be my first car before I learned I couldn’t drive, and I also have bought a car through the same dealer and the same auction company until my mother could pay me back.)

So, here I am, with my grandmother and my mother, enjoying a day of gardening. I’ll admit, I’m a little tired and in no mood for games, because I’m the one doing most of the digging and heavy lifting despite having a bad leg from being hit by the car. My phone goes off, and it’s a local number. As I’m looking for a part-time job to supplement my freelance income, hey, this is a good thing!

Well, no, it’s a scammer using the whole “expired/expiring warranty” spiel. I almost hang up… before deciding to have some fun. When I choose the option to speak to an agent, a man with a very thick accent picks up in a matter of moments, and he sounds giddy as he asks what the make and model of my current car is.

Now, even though I can’t drive a car and some instances in a car can trigger a horrible mental breakdown, I actually love looking at cars. My uncle is a mechanic who taught me how to diagnose and fix a lot under the hood before we found out I couldn’t drive, too, so I wouldn’t be that girl on the side of the road with no idea what to do. I could give any nice brand and model, but instead, I decide that if you play stupid games, you should get stupid prizes.

My response? “My non-existent car is a… Pontiac Hyundai, I think?”

Click.

I haven’t gotten one of those calls in two weeks, despite having gotten one at least three times a week the last few months.

I work in a very diverse office in the USA. One day, [German Colleague] comes out of his office holding his muted cell phone over his head.

German Colleague: “I have a scammer!”

Several colleagues step up. We gather around and my German colleague takes his phone off mute.

German Colleague: “Are you still there?”

He hands his phone to a man from India.

Scammer: “Yes, sir, I am here. Are you there?

Indian Colleague: “Yes, hello? I am here.”

He passes it to me, a woman with a thick southern US accent.

Scammer: *Hesitant* “Uh, have you restarted your computer?”

Me: “It’s still loading. What did you say the problem was?”

I pass the phone to my male Dutch colleague.

Scammer: “I am calling from Microsoft. You have malware.”

Dutch Colleague: “Oh, no. How did you find it?”

He passes the phone to a Hispanic woman.

Scammer: “Is this the same person I was speaking to?”

Hispanic Colleague: “Of course. What am I doing?”

The phone goes back to the German colleague

Scammer: “I don’t… Uh, click the start button.”

German Colleague: “Oops, it’s a Mac. No scamming for you!”

The scammer ended the call.

I answer the phone.

Robot: “You have just purchased a Macbook Pro for $800. To talk to a representative, press one now.”

Pressing the “one” button I think, “How do I want to mess with him this time? Maybe I’ll just be completely positive whatever he says.”

Scammer: “You’ve just made a purchase of a Macbook Pro for $800 from an e-commerce site.”

Me: “Great! I can’t wait for it to arrive!”

Scammer: “I need to verify some information for security. Your name is [My Name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is! How are you doing today?”

Scammer: “The Macbook Pro will be delivered to [address], New Albany, New York.”

I’m in Kentucky.

Me: “Great! I’m so excited!”

Scammer: “YOU MOTHERF*****!” *Click*

Well, he didn’t last long!

I occasionally answer likely scam calls for fun.

Scammer: “We’re looking for [My Name] to sell property. Can I speak to [My Name]? 

Me: “This is her.”

Scammer: “We’re looking for properties to buy and we are interested in [garbled address].”

Me: “I don’t own any properties.” 

My brain catches up to what I thought I heard. 

Me: “Wait, what property is it?” 

Scammer: “[Address]. Are you interested in selling?”

Me: “That’s an apartment complex. I haven’t lived there in ten years.”

Scammer: “Well, who lives there now?”

At the office I work at, I’m not generally a front desk employee, but most of our admin staff covers the main office phone lines, so I end up answering quite a few phone calls. Some of these are for project inquiries, and some of them are other sorts of business, but, of course, a fair few are marketing cold calls or scammers. Recently, I got a somewhat unusual one.

I pick up the phone and give my typical introduction, stating the business name and my name.

Caller: “Yes, could I please speak to [Ex-Employee]?”

The caller does not identify himself, which is already not a good sign, but we have had legitimate callers not introduce themselves before, so I defer judgment for the moment.

Me: “May I ask who’s calling and what the purpose of your call is?”

Caller: “My name is [Caller] and I’m calling for [Ex-Employee] about some medical documents.”

I have to pause there. I’ve had mystery callers try to call about unspecified “business documents” before, but medical documents is a new one, and a baffling one — you’re calling a generic front desk line about something regarding someone’s private health information?

Me: “Uh… are you aware that you’ve reached the front desk line?”

Caller: “Sir, please, I have misplaced his personal number, and that is why I am calling you.”

I almost laugh out loud at this, but I manage to regain my composure.

Caller: “Sir? Can you please transfer me?”

Me: “No.”

Caller: “Okay, thank you.” *Click*

I get that these scams are low-effort, but I’m still baffled that they might think that something related to someone’s personal life would be more likely to get past the front desk than something business-related. We’re not even supposed to pass along personal calls unless we’re specifically authorized to.