(I’m in the fifth grade. I turn in a math assignment. A week later, I get it back, torn up. This is what is written on it, paraphrased.)
Teacher: “You did a good job. My dog thought so, too.”
(That was the first time I’ve ever heard about a teacher’s dog eating homework!)
When answering machines are still relatively new contraptions for home use in the mid-80s, my parents get one for our house. Our dog has been trained to bark on command via hand signals, so, for the novelty value, it’s decided at some point that the greeting message will be the dog barking a few times.
Normally, we don’t get a lot of calls — just family every so often. One day, we return to find the machine blinking that there are a number of messages waiting. The cassette is rewound and the first several messages are nothing but hangups. After a couple of these, there’s finally a stranger’s voice:
“Martha! MARTHA! COME QUICK! They’ve trained a dog to answer the phone!”
(A friend and I go to the mall together. We both have service dogs, both for different conditions. We’re in the food court, trying to decide what to eat. A stranger comes up to us with her three young kids.)
Mother #1: “Oh, look at the pretty doggies!”
(My friend and I exchange looks. We know exactly where this is going.)
Mother #1: “Do you guys want to pet the doggies?”
(Another mother with a young child, about four or five, comes up. She’s noticed the other family eyeing our service dogs.)
Mother #2: *loudly* “[Son], do you see those two dogs?”
Son: “Yes! Can I pet them?”
Mother #2: “Nope, do you see what they’re wearing?”
Son: “They have coats on! Why are they wearing coats?”
Mother #2: “It means they’re working. Some dogs have very important jobs. You know how [Name] helps people who can’t do some things by themselves?”
Son: “Yeah! He helps them go out and get food and medicine and do fun stuff!”
Mother #2: “Well, those dogs do that, too. Some help blind people, some help people get around, and some even warn people if they’re going to eat something they’re allergic to!”
Son: “That’s so cool!”
Mother #2: “But if you pet them, you’ll distract them from doing their important job! So, that’s why you never, ever pet a dog wearing that vest!”
Son: “Okay, Mommy!”
(The first family seems to have understood and wanders off. I go to the second mom and thank her.)
Mother #2: “Oh, it’s all right. My nephew is an aide for people with disabilities; he works with some people with service dogs and says it’s the biggest problem.”
(We ended up buying her and her son ice cream. The son wanted to learn all about service dogs, so we talked for a while about what ours do. He also told us to tell them they were doing a very, very good job!)
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(A long-term client has just come in with their new dog. A few months ago they had to euthanize Birdie because of cancer and Bogey was lonely, so they got a new puppy that they haven’t named yet. They ask for ideas. I’m a high school student and both my coworker and the clients are both much older.)
Coworker: “Well, how about calling her Eagle? Keep the golf theme going.”
Client: “No, we want to avoid golf; too many memories of Birdie.”
Coworker: “So, no theme, then…”
Client: “I’d like a theme; I just can’t think of anything that goes with Bogey.”
Me: “Bacall.”
Client: “What?”
Me: “Bogey and Bacall — Humphrey and Lauren. Y’all were actually alive when those movies came out. You’ve seen them, right?”
Client: “I have, but when did you?”
Me: “My dad is a high school teacher, and for as long as I can remember, any time he made a reference in class that a student didn’t get he would come home and make sure I did. I also know who Fred and Ginger are.”
(Lauren — they decided Bacall didn’t fit — and Bogey got along great. And my coworker was happy to find someone to discuss old movies with.)
(At work, we’re sat in groups of four on one pod — basically four curved desks pushed together so all the computers are in the middle. [Coworker #1] of the pod has a cat called Margaret — her first cat. [Coworker #2] and I have had many cats in the past but not currently, and [Coworker #3] has never had a cat but understands how they work. We’re just generally chatting when the topic goes on to Margaret the cat.)
Coworker #1: “Ugh, Margaret was being a little b**** last night.”
Coworker #3: “Cats cannot be b****es.”
Me: “They can be a**holes, though.”
Coworker #3: “Yes, they seem to do that a lot.”
Coworker #1: “Fine. Margaret was being a little not-b**** last night.”
Coworker #2: “Why was your cat a little not-b****?”
Coworker #1: “She wouldn’t go out!”
(There is a pause.)
Coworker #2: “And?”
Coworker #1: “We put her out every night, and last night she wouldn’t go out.”
Me & Coworker #2: “Yes?”
Coworker #1: “We had to chase her round the house to try and get her to go out!”
Coworker #3: “Isn’t that normal?”
Me: “Yup.”
Coworker #1: “Is it?”
Me & Coworker #2: “Yup.”
Me: “If a cat doesn’t want to go out, it will not go out.”
Coworker #2: “They’re even worse if you’re trying to get the a**hole in.”
(I nod mock-solemnly in agreement.)
Coworker #1: “But if she’s in, she runs about the house in the middle of the night!”
Me: “She sounds like a normal, healthy cat.”
Coworker #1: “THIS IS NORMAL?!”
Me & Coworker 2: “Yup.”
Coworker #1: “Shouldn’t she be asleep at night?”
Me: “Cats are mostly nocturnal. So… no.”
Coworker #1: “Why can’t she just love me unconditionally, sleep at night, and do as I say?”
Coworker #3: “Well, those kinds of animals do exist… They’re just called dogs.”
