I am an aide for the elderly. I’ve been sick for a few days and since all of my clients are high-risk — as am I because of asthma — I decide to call in sick for a week, just to make sure it isn’t anything serious.

One of my clients has managed to get my personal number and gives me a call.

Client: “[My Name]? Hello!”

Me: “Hello, Miss [Client], how are you?”

Client: “I’m fine. Listen, I was just talking to my son and he is worried about all this nonsense. He wants to cancel your appointments for the month.”

Me: “Oh, that’s actually a great idea! You’re very high-risk because you’re in your nineties and on oxygen. I’m glad you listened to him. Plus, I’m sick, too, so I was really worried about infecting you if this is more serious. “

Client: “You know I don’t care. If I get this disease, then it’s a good day.”

I’m used to her talking like this.

Me: “No, no, no, you don’t want to die from this; it’s pretty bad. You want to go peacefully in bed, remember?”

Client: “Right, right. So, I won’t see you during this month. But you can stop by anytime if you’re in the neighborhood!”

I’m trying not to laugh.

Me: “Miss [Client], I can’t. The whole purpose is to keep you safe.”

She is one of my favorite clients. She’s one of those tough cookies but has a good heart. I’m sure she’s going to be super lonely this month but I told her to call me anytime she wanted to! Also, for those curious, I am feeling a little better but still coughing and having trouble breathing. Yay, asthma.

I work at a dollar store, and there’s a line of three customers at the register. There is a sign on the door that states that we are out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.

Me: “Your total is $13.68.”

As [Customer #1] is paying, [Customer #2] steps out of line. 

Customer #2: “Excuse me, are you busy?”

I don’t immediately reply as I help [Customer #1].

Customer # 2: “Um, hello? Where is the hand sanitizer? It’s not by the toilet paper.”

Me: “If we have any, it is in the last aisle by the body wash.”

[Customer #2] goes looking while [Customer #1] leaves. [Customer #3] comes up.

Customer #3: “I guess she did see your sign on the door.”

I am trying not to laugh.

Me: “I guess not!”

I work customer service for a local retail store, and I often deal with customers wanting to return a wide variety of items for a wide variety of reasons. My location has a frighteningly lax return policy, but up until now, I haven’t experienced first-hand how big of a problem it can be.

Customer: “Hi, I need to return these pants.”

Me: “Of course.”

I quickly log in to my computer.

Me: “Did you have any issue with this item? Or was it just not what you needed?”

Customer: “Oh, no. No problem. We just don’t need it anymore.”

I start to search the item for a tag and start turning it inside out when I can’t find one. The customer waits quietly while I search but apparently feels the need to break the silence after a minute or two.

Customer: “My father passed this week, you see.”

Me: “Oh…”

I am completely unprepared for a confession like that.

Me: “I’m so sorry.”

Customer: “We bought a lot of pants like this to make him comfortable. He really loved this brand.”

Me: “…”

Customer: “These pants haven’t been worn, though.” 

Me: “Right.”

There are noticeable lint and fibers from some kind of bedding on the pants.

Customer: “My father only wore the mediums for his last three days or so.”

I look down at the big M on the inside label of the pants.

Me: “…”

After digging around in her purse for a while, the customer found the receipt for the pants, and I had to return these pants that she had heavily implied her father died in.

After the customer left, I threw the pants in our defect bin, poured sanitizer on my hands until it was all I could smell, and tried to go on with my shift. When I got home that night, I threw my entire uniform into the wash, and took a shower. I still feel kind of ill.

While working from home during the recent global health crisis, I post a picture online of my cat cuddling my laptop and mock-complain that my work calls are being interrupted by purring. The following comment exchange ensues between me and my sisters. 

Sister #1: “In-purr-upted?”

Sister #2: “I am proud of that pun. It is purrfect.” 

Me: *Pause* “Get out.”

Sister #1: “Aww. Do I have to leave right meow?” 

Me: “I guess you can stay for a mew minutes.” 

Sister #2: “You have got to be kitten me! She can stay fur as long as she likes!” 

Remember that laughter helps reduce stress! Stay safe and keep smiling, everyone!

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I am a bagger at an organic grocery store where you receive five cents off your bill for every reusable bag you bring in to use. A man and his wife have just walked up with two reusables in their cart which I take out and load with groceries; I only needed to use one.

Cashier: “How many bags?”

Me: “One.”

Customer: “Two.”

Me: “I used one.”

Customer: “Two.”

Me: “I only used one bag to pack your groceries.”

Cashier: “How many bags?”

Customer: “Two.”

Me: “No, I only used one. The cashier is asking how many bags I used so she can calculate your bag refund.”

Customer: “I have two bags.”

Me: “I only used one.”

Cashier: “So, one bag?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “But I have two bags!”