My wife was on a “free items” page on Facebook, where people in need can ask or offer something up for free. Someone was in desperate need of a kitchen table. She went on about how she needed a place for all her kids to do their homework while she cooked meals or something.

We had just bought a new kitchen table and chairs when we redid our kitchen, but the others were in decent shape and we kept them in the garage. We were going to donate them or have a tag sale. So, my wife offered this woman our old kitchen table and chairs. Not only that, but she graciously offered my services to deliver them.

I forced my son to actually get dressed on a Saturday morning before noon and we Tetrised the four chairs and table into the back of the truck and drove to the next town over.

When we got there, the lady seemed grateful. But then she looked at the chairs and said she was going to keep looking for chairs, but the table she’d take.

Pardon?

“I don’t want the chairs; I don’t like them.”

Um, okay. My son was smiling because he thought he was going to get to see me WWE a chair on a woman. So, we drove four chairs to the thrift store with me muttering like the Dad in A Christmas Story the whole way. We got home and I let my wife know never again. Nope, I’m done. Well, until the next time she needs me to do something, because that’s what husbands do.

CONTENT WARNING: This story contains content of a medical nature. It is not intended as medical advice.

A few years ago, my wife experimented with a certain brand of mycoprotein-based products. The first time we ate some, I became ill with vomiting and stomach cramps. I foolishly assumed that these were caused by something else, but the second time we ate some, it happened again and we very quickly realised I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products, a phenomenon which is pretty well documented.

About nine months ago, I saw a Facebook advert for this particular brand and commented, saying that while I thought this product was a great idea, regrettably, I was sensitive to mycoprotein-based products so would have to avoid eating them.

Then, I got THIS reply from a random Facebook user I don’t even know.

Stranger: “Well, you’re clearly an idiot, then. You can’t get ill from [product]. It’s natural. NATURAL PRODUCTS DON’T MAKE YOU ILL!”

I didn’t have the heart to point out to her that latex, peanuts, kiwi fruit, and eggs are all-natural and can ALL trigger serious allergic reactions.

Like I say, this phenomenon is pretty well documented, and in some cases, people have eaten mycoprotein and ended up in ICU! I’m not really sure what this woman on Facebook was thinking.

I am learning Portuguese as a second language. To help me improve, I do some crosswords with my boyfriend, but as we are apart for now, I have to read out the clues for him. As I am mostly self-taught at this point, I never did learn the names of the letters. I come to the clue “antes de Q” — “before Q.” I am fairly sure I have understood the clue, but I have no idea how to say the letter Q and I make a guess, saying, “Coo.”

My boyfriend gets very confused, asking what am I saying, and so I repeat”

Me: “‘Coo.’ P, ‘Coo,’ R, S…”

At this, he laughs loudly.

Boyfriend: “Ah, ‘Que.’ ‘Coo’ means ‘a***hole.’”

I still haven’t heard the end of this.

I work for an online store. I answer the phone.

Me: “Hello, this is [Online Store]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’ve placed an order on your site, but the package hasn’t arrived yet. When will it be delivered?”

Me: “Can you please give me your order number so that I can check?”

Customer: “I don’t have any order number. Can’t you just tell me when my package is arriving?”

Me: “I would need to find your order first in order to check. Do you remember the email address you used to place the order?”

She gives me her email address. I check, but it’s not on our database.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I can’t find any order with that email address. Did you get an email confirmation from us?”

Customer: “No. I didn’t get anything! That’s why I’m calling! I don’t even know if you guys shipped the product yet!”

Me: “I can try searching by name. Can you please give me your full name?”

She gives me her name, but there are no customers that match.

Me: “I’m sorry, but I’m unable to find any order with that name. What product did you buy?”

She tells me what she bought. I check again, but the last time someone bought that product was a few months ago.

Me: “I’ve found an order for [Product], but it’s from a few months ago. When did you place your order?”

Customer: “A couple of days ago.”

Me: “We haven’t received any order for [product] recently. Perhaps you didn’t fully complete your order on our website? If that’s the case, I can place the order for you.”

Customer: “Of course, I did! You guys charged my credit card for [amount].”

I check our transactions and find nothing.

Me: “I’m sorry, but we have no transactions for [amount]. Are you sure you ordered from us?”

Customer: “Yes! I’ve ordered from [Manufacturer]! That’s you!”

Me: “No, ma’am, we are not [Manufacturer]. We are just resellers.”

Customer: “But I Googled [Manufacturer] and you guys came up! Can’t you just tell me when I should expect my package?”

Me: “I’m afraid you would have to contact [Manufacturer].”

Customer: “How?”

I ended up Googling the manufacturer’s phone number myself and giving it to her.

I am a born and raised city girl from California. I am chatting on Facebook with a friend in Australia about how she found two poisonous snakes in her garden mating and called someone to get them out. She knows that I have a hardcore snake phobia but also that I am DYING to go to Australia.

Me: “Please tell me they put the snakes in a bag, threw the bag into a river, and threw the river into the sun.”

Friend: “Oh, they are just part of the natural environment, like your cougars, bears, or rattlers.”

Me: “My dear lady, I am from a city where cougars are forty-year-old women with twenty-six-year-old boyfriends, bears are large hairy homosexuals, and rattlers are crappy cars driven by teenagers. I do not do ‘outside’!”

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