(A customer comes through my line with a young child. I just started the order and she hands me two boxes of fruit snack variety packs.)

Customer: “I don’t want these. They say, ‘No artificial flavors,’ and I thought that meant no artificial colors. That’s kind of a weird thing to put on a box.”

Me: “Well, not really.”

Customer: *handing me a bag of M&Ms* “Can you scan these real quick? They’re open.”

Me: “…”

(She had another large bag of M&M Minis in her order. I guess she thinks they come in those colors naturally?)

(I work in the pharmacy of a regional grocery chain. We require the person picking up a prescription order to give us the patient’s name and date of birth; if they don’t give us the date of birth, we cannot release the prescription order to them. I am doing my scheduled counter rotation when a baby boomer who looks like a redneck Santa approaches. He is talking away on his cell phone.)

Me: “Hi there. Picking up?”

Customer: *pulls his phone away from his face* “Yeah I’m picking up for my mother-in-law. Wife’s after me to get this stuff.”

Me: “Sure thing. What’s her name?”

Customer: “Her name is [Mother-In-Law].”

Me: “And her date of birth?”

Customer: *scoffs* “I don’t know. She’s my mother-in-law. I don’t pay attention to that s***.”

Me: “Unfortunately, our system requires we enter the patient’s date of birth to help prevent prescription theft.”

(The customer quite literally turns very red. I steel myself for an angry tirade.)

Customer: “This is bulls***. Simple mother-f*****…” *storms off, ranting and raving to his wife*

Boss: “[My Name]… what was that all about?”

Me: “He didn’t react very well to me telling him I needed his mother-in-law’s birthdate to release her meds to him.”

Boss: “He was on the phone with his wife, wasn’t he?”

Me: “Yep. Don’t know why he didn’t just ask her.”

(I have extremely curly hair, which is the thing most people notice and remember about me. I am also a closeted woman-loving-woman who has told only a couple people.)

Me: *putting away fabric with coworker* “Hey, [Coworker], I just realized something I can say.”

Coworker: “What?”

Me: *shoves a bolt of fabric away and grins* “My hair is straighter than I am.”

Coworker: *laughing* “Oh, my. Yes, it is. It most certainly is.”

Me: “Wait, I did tell you before—”

Coworker: “Yeah, you mentioned your girlfriend before.”

Me: “Okay, I forgot if I did.”

Coworker: “I’m just going to make sure that you stay far away from any hair straighteners now.”

(I work in a call center for an online, high-end store. Mostly, I help customers with their online orders and returns. We work with another company that provides 50% discounts to their members for use on our website. The following call takes place with a customer who used the 50% discount towards a product but then returned it, so he was refunded for the discounted amount that he paid.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I’m looking for the status of my refund.”

Me: “I would be happy to check on that for you. Can you please provide me with the order number from which items were returned?”

(The customer gives me his information, I pull up his order and see that the refund was already processed, so I begin to give him the information.)

Me: “Okay, sir, looks like your refund was processed on November 14—” *which is about five months ago from the time of call* “—in the amount of $100.00. Would you like the confirmation number for your records?”

Customer: “Why is it only $100? The product I purchased cost $200!”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you used a 50% discount, so you only paid $100.”

Customer: “No, I want the full amount back!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we cannot refund you more money than what you actually paid.”

(The customer’s wife takes the phone from the customer and begins yelling at me.)

Customers Wife: “That’s not fair! We deserve the full amount!”

Me: “Ma’am, while it is true that the item was originally listed for $200, you used a discount and only paid $100 for the product. We’ve refunded you the full amount that you paid. We cannot give you back more than what you paid for the product.”

(The husband then takes the phone back.)

Customer: “Shut up!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “You keep repeating the same stupid thing over and over again. Just give us back our money!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure how much clearer I can make this. We have already refunded you all of the money you paid to us in November. We cannot give you more money than what you paid. There is nothing more I can do for you regarding this matter.”

Customer: “I don’t accept that!”

(This goes back and forth for literally another twenty minutes, with me explaining what I think is common sense in every different way that I can, while the customer and his wife continually interrupt me.)

Customer’s Wife: “Well, that’s just not fair! Your refund policy states I have 90 days to return the item! It says so right here on my receipt!!”

Me: “Yes? And you did return the item. And then we refunded you in full. But that doesn’t change the fact that we can’t just give you an extra $100 for nothing, when you only paid $100 to begin with and we already refunded you that amount. We can’t give you more money than you initially gave to us.”

Customer: “Fine. If you can’t help me, then I want your manager! And I’ll never order from you again!

Me: “…” *transfers customer and then immediately puts myself in break status to go physically hide from the stupidity*

Related:
Refunder Blunder, Part 37
Refunder Blunder, Part 36
Refunder Blunder, Part 35

(Before I get in our new pool with our grandsons, I decide to explain a very important rule by telling a very old, very corny joke.)

Me: “Boys, welcome to our ‘ool.’”

(They both looked puzzled.)

Me: “I can see that you’re wondering why I called it our ‘ool.’ It’s because there is no P in it, and we want to keep it that way.”

(They burst out laughing. Two days later, their mom brings them to swim again. She and I are talking when the older boy yells:)

Grandson: “Uh-oh, Grandma! Now it’s a pool!”