(I am talking with some of my officemates and the topic of snakes comes up for some reason. I have a pet corn snake, of whom I am very fond. One of my coworkers is pretty terrified of snakes, but he has a lot of questions about them even so.)

Coworker: “How big is this thing?”

Me: “About two to three feet. Not venomous, pretty chill.”

Coworker: “What does it eat?”

Me: “He eats mice. That was the one weird thing I had to get used to: keeping mice in the freezer.”

Coworker: “He eats frozen mice?”

Me: “No, you have to thaw them out in hot water or they can’t digest them.”

Coworker: “So, then what? The mouse comes back to life?”

Other Coworker: *facepalming* “[Coworker], it’s not cryosleep. It’s a freezer.”

(I was too busy giggling to answer. I’m sure my snake would love it if they actually came back to life, but… no.)

(I work in a law firm serving clients all over the Arctic. Consequently, we often provide our clients with advice regarding issues or situations that would never happen in southern Canada. For example, today, as I’m walking by my colleague’s office, I hear her tell a client on the phone:)

Colleague: “If there are polar bears in a garage, there’s a problem.”

(I wish I could say it was the first time we had encountered a legal issue involving a polar bear.)

This story is part of our Polar Bear roundup!

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(I’m taking my lunch break. One of the things I have in the refrigerator at work is a bottle of spicy honey garlic hot sauce. A coworker spots it.)

Coworker: “What’s this? I’ve never seen this before.”

Me: “Oh, I use it for, like, chicken or wraps sometimes. It tastes like—”

Coworker: “Oh, like a teriyaki sauce.”

Me: “It’s actually more like—”

Coworker: “Like a tangy barbecue sauce?”

Me: “I was going to say more like—”

Coworker: “Is it like [Brand] hot sauce?”

Me: *annoyed* “If you would give me a chance to reply, I was going to compare it to a spicier General Tso’s flavor.”

Coworker: “Well, how was I supposed to know?”

(Oh, I don’t know, maybe actually stop and let me answer your question after you asked it? The funny part was that I later overheard him telling another coworker that I “seemed b****y today.” The coworker, thankfully, responded, “She seemed pretty chipper when I saw her. Sure it’s not just you?”)

(I work as a clerk at a small-town newspaper. Two mornings a week, I fill in at the circulation desk, taking calls from people who have questions about or problems with their paper delivery.)

Customer: “My paper has stopped being delivered!”

Me: “Well, ma’am, I’m seeing on your account that your paper has expired.”

Customer: “I didn’t get a bill.”

Me: “Your account says that we mailed you one on [date]. I’m sorry if you didn’t receive it.”

(The customer makes a big deal about not getting any bill, how was she supposed to know that she had to pay, etc. I apologize a few more times for her not receiving a bill, but there’s nothing I can do about that.)

Me: *trying to get a word in edgewise* “I can take a payment over the phone with debit or credit card if you’d like to start receiving your paper again tomorrow.”

Customer: “No, no, I always pay cash! Everything always by cash!”

Me: “Okay, well, you’ll have to come in to the office, then.”

Customer: “You mean the only way I can get the paper is if I pay for it?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that’s the way it works.”

Customer: “That’s some s***!” *hangs up*

(My workplace has an area to store your bags, coats, etc. The hooks are overwhelmed by coats, so everyone leaves their bags on the floor. One day, a pipe bursts and the bag area floods. I work at the front and the pipe is at the back, so I don’t find out about this until my break, nearly an hour later. Some of my coworkers, including a manager, knew about the burst pipe as soon as it happened.)

Me: “So, where did you move the bags to?”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: “The bag area is flooding, right?”

Coworker: “Well, it’s not flooding anymore, but there is still a lot of water on the ground.”

Me: “Right. So, where did you move the bags?”

Coworker: “Why would we move the bags?”

Me: *eyes go wide* “You left them in the water?!”

(I run to the back of the store and grab my bag. It is sopping wet. I get everyone else’s bag up on a nearby table and then woefully check on my stuff. My change of clothes is soaked. Thankfully, my phone was spared, as it was on top. The papers I had in there are completely destroyed. I confront my manager.)

Me: “[Manager], why weren’t the bags moved? They’re soaked!”

Manager: *flat voice* “[Company] is not responsible for theft or damage to items left in the back room. It is provided to you as a courtesy.”

Me: *gritting my teeth* “Fine. It’s not like I was gonna sue you, anyway. I just want to know why you didn’t move them.”

Manager: “They’re your responsibility.”

Me: “I was on register! How was I supposed to know the pipe burst?!”

Manager: “They’re your responsibility.”

Me: *completely losing my temper* “But why would any decent person just leave them there? Why couldn’t you just pick them up? I just picked them up, and it took me less than two minutes! Why?!“

Manager: “They’re your responsibility.”

Me: *screams in rage*

(And that’s the story of how I got fired for the first time ever.)