Not Even Half A Brain

| Working | June 21, 2012

Boss: “There are four months in a quarter, right?”

Me: “No, three. There’s four quarters in a year.”

Boss: “It depends on your definition of ‘quarter.'”

Me: “No, there’s four quarters in anything. One quarter is always one fourth.”

Boss: “Well, it depends on your definition of ‘quarter!'”

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A Meeting Of The Mindless

| Working | June 16, 2012

Me: “[Boss], I’m having trouble with my productivity levels and I think it is due to the number of meetings I have to attend every week. I am proposing that I stop attending the Tuesday morning meeting.”

Boss: “Hmm, do you think any other managers at your level are feeling the same way?”

Me: “I can’t speak for everyone, but it is a possibility.”

Boss: “Okay, I am going to put together a meeting to discuss this. You said you have time on Tuesday mornings, right?”

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As Clear As Gay

| Working | June 14, 2012

(After going away on holiday, I return to work with a diamond ring on my left hand. My colleagues are coming over to congratulate me, when I’m approached by one of my senior managers.)

Manager: “Congratulations on your engagement! When is the happy day?”

Me: “Depends when we can book the venue, but both April and I have always wanted to get married in December.”

Manager: “Wait, you and April? You’re marrying a woman?!”

Me: “Well, the law stares that it’s a civil partnership, but to us it is a wedding.”

Manager: “You’re a lesbian…since when?”

Me: “Um, all my life. I’ve been with April for six years. Did you really not know I’m gay?”

Manager: “I’ve never seen indication that you were.”

Me: “So, after being a member of the LGBT network, appearing in the staff magazine explaining the rights policy, and coming into the work a month ago sun burnt from the Pride Festival, you really didn’t realise I was gay? Who did you the think the woman I brought to the Christmas party was?”

Manager: “I thought she was your sister.”

(My colleague, who has been listening to our conversation from across the room, chimes in.)

Colleague: *to my manager* “If you think that was her sister after you saw them kissing under the mistletoe, I have some questions about your family.”

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It’s Breast Not To Be So A-Pair-rent

| Working | June 5, 2012

(In the 70s, my mother worked in the business office of a company that handled food supply. One of the superiors had a habit of speaking to women but looking only at their chests. She has a meeting with him in his office one day.)

Manager: *staring at my mother’s chest* “Do you have the reports I asked you to type up?”

My Mother: “Yes, Sir.”

(She hands him the papers. Throughout reading them, he looks up to comment, though his eyes never go far up.)

Manager: “Well, it seems we have everything here, [my mother’s name]. Good job. Let’s put this back in the folder and I can send it to—”

(He pauses as he looks up. My mother has written on the manila folder, “MY EYES ARE UP HERE” with an arrow pointing at her face and has it held up right over her chest. Her manager turned beet red and would never speak to her directly again!)

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You Shall Not Pass

| Working | May 30, 2012

Me: “Okay, now log into [program] with your username and password.”

Coworker: *types in username and password; the password is denied*

Me: “Did you reset it this morning when you logged in for the first time?”

Coworker: “Yes!” *angrily tries again; is denied again*

Me: “Make sure caps lock isn’t on.”

Coworker: “IT ISN’T!”

Me: “Well, I guess we have to call I.T.”

Coworker: “Oh, wait. I have to use the SAME password every time I log in?”

Me: “…Yes. Yes you do.”

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