In Other News, Earnings Are Also In The Toilet

| Working | September 26, 2012

(I’m at a mandatory training session for experienced employees. Note that everyone at the training has done this job for years and we know each other pretty well. We’re using toilet paper for an icebreaker exercise.)

Manager #1: *tosses all his toilet paper at Manager #2*

Manager #2: “Ugh, [Manager #1]! You’re cleaning that up.”

Manager #1: “Whatever.”

(Our boss turns on a video and everyone turns to watch it. One employee who’s sitting behind Manager #1 starts putting pieces of toilet paper in his hair. He finally notices and grabs it off his head and shoves it in his mouth.)

Manager #2: “Did you just eat that?”

Manager #1: *spitting it out* “It’s dry!”

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Moron Von Munchausen

| Working | September 25, 2012

(I have a coworker, Coworker #1, who constantly tries to one up illnesses that other coworkers suffer from. It’s really immature and it annoys a lot of us. This takes place after another coworker, Coworker #2, has just returned to us after having a rather severe lupus flare up.)

Me: “How are you feeling?”

Coworker #2: “Oh, much better now. It’s my own fault, I ignored the warning signs.”

Me: “You just work too hard.”

Coworker #1: “Well, I have drug-induced Lupus. I’m sure that’s way worse than what you have!”

Me: “Actually, it’s—”

Coworker #2: “Oh my God, you do?! Have you started making arrangements? I mean that’s the worst one you can possibly have! How much time do you have left?!”

Coworker #1: “What?! When I looked it up online it didn’t say—”

Me: “Oh, so you don’t actually have it. You looked it up.”

Coworker #1: “No what I meant was—”

Me: “You are so pathetic.”

Coworker #2: “Drug-induced lupus usually goes away if you stop taking the drug, you moron. If you’re going to try and one up a disease, which is really offensive of you, you could at least use half that peanut sized brain of yours.”

Coworker #1: “Why did you tell me it was serious, then?!”

Coworker #2: “Why did you fake having it?”

(Coworker #1 looks really baffled for a moment, then gets embarrassed and slinks away.)

Me: “You know, he does that all the time. If someone has the flu, he has the swine flu. If you had your appendix taken out, he had his appendix and spleen taken out. It’s really, really, stupid.”

Coworker #1: “Yup, unfortunately, you can’t fix stupid…”

(Our manager overheard him later bad-mouthing my coworker and accusing her of faking it. He was fired two days later when that got back to the owner!)

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Don’t Make Me Get Rational

| Working | September 24, 2012

(A coworker and I are planning a non-profit conference.)

Coworker: “Why are we charging $22? That doesn’t make sense. $25 is easier to remember.

Me: “We’re only charging to cover costs. We’re not trying to turn a profit.”

Coworker: “Yeah, but nobody ever budgets for $22. $25 is an even number.”

Me: “$25 is an odd number.”

Coworker: “I mean, it’s a nice, round number that’s easy to work with.”

Me: “Actually it’s a square number.”

Coworker: “Stop that!”

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Honesty Is A Step In The Right Direction

| Working | September 12, 2012

(I am a receptionist in a large office and often have to ask coworkers to escort repairmen to the location where they’re needed. In this instance, the coworker happens to be male while I am female.)

Me: *to my male coworker* “Can you please show the repairman to the south kitchen? They broke their coffee maker.”

Male Coworker: *points inquisitively north*

Me: “Uh, no…” *points south* “…that one.”

Male Coworker: “I don’t know these things.”

Me: “I thought men were supposed to be better at cardinal directions than women.”

Repairman: “No, that’s just something we say so we don’t have to ask for directions.”

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Problem Exists Between Sign And Keyboard

| Right | September 11, 2012

(Note: The public computers in our office have been down and I’m in the process of repairing and cleaning them. As such, I’ve taped “Do Not Use” signs on the computer monitors. A client walks in, sits at the desk, pulls the sign off the monitor, and proceeds to try and use the mouse and keyboard.)

Client: “Why isn’t this working?! I need to check my email!”

Me: “I’m sorry sir, but the computers aren’t working right now. I’m fixing them now. They should be up by this afternoon.”

Client: “I need to check my email right now! I demand you make them work!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but you can’t use the computer right now.”

Client: “And WHY NOT?!”

(I point to the computer tower on my work desk that’s currently in pieces.)

Me: “This is the computer, sir.”

Client: “So? I shouldn’t need that thing to make it work! All the important parts are still right here!”

(The “important parts” he’s referring to? The monitor and keyboard.)

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