(I am st a duty-free shop at an airport. There’s a 1L limit on the flight I’m about to catch, so I am buying two small 500mL bottles of liquor.)

Cashier #1: “You know you can only take one of these with you on the plane, right?”

Me: “Oh, I thought the limit was 1L?”

Cashier #1: “Exactly.”

Me: “These are 500mL each.”

Cashier #1: “You can only take one bottle on the plane.”

Me: “No, I can only take 1L. 500mL plus 500mL equals 1L.”

Cashier #1: “You can only take one on the plane.”

Me: “No, they’re half a litre each, which means it’s still only 1L.”

Cashier #2: “Is there a problem here?”

Cashier #1: “NO! You know what? Let her make her own mistakes… She’ll get it eventually.”

Me: “…Whatever.”

(I am a high school teacher.)

Student: *holding up a textbook* “What would you do if I threw this at someone?”

Me: “I’d throw you, along with the book, out the nearest window.”

Student: “But wouldn’t you get in trouble for that?”

Me: “Of course, but it would totally be worth it.”

(I’m at a well-known ticket booth in Times Square to buy Broadway tickets for myself and a friend. My friend is particular about getting close seats.)

Me: “I’d like two tickets to [Show]. Do I have any choice about the location of the seats?”

Employee: “Well, the computer automatically gives ‘best available.’ But if you want, I can give you ‘worst available.'”

Me: “…”

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(My family is Mormon and lives near Palmyra, NY, where Mormonism was founded when Joseph Smith prayed in a grove of trees near his house. This grove of trees is called in Mormonism “The Sacred Grove,” and bears a lot of religious significance to Mormons. The grove and the land are now owned by the Mormon Church, and a lot of tourists (Mormon and non-Mormon) come visit it. My younger brother, a teenager, works as the groundskeeper for the farm, grove, and a few other nearby sites of religious significance to Mormons. He gets a radio call from one of the missionaries that act as tour guides that there is a guest who’d like to speak to him.)

Brother: “What can I help you with?”

Guest: “Are you the groundskeeper?”

Brother: “Yes.”

Guest: “I have a complaint.”

Brother: “I’m sorry to hear that. What’s wrong?”

Guest: “I was out in the Sacred Grove, and there are SNAKES out there!”

Brother: “Yes. We try to keep the grove as much like it was when Joseph Smith prayed in 1820 so that anyone who would like can commune with God. That’s why, other than trails and a few benches, there is nothing unnatural in there.”

Guest: “But there are snakes!”

Brother: “Yes, there are snakes.”

Guest: “Get rid of them.”

Brother: “It is nearly 100 acres of wild, upstate NY forest. There are snakes in there. There is also poison ivy. That’s why, other than the established clearing, you stay on the path.”

Guest: “But there are SNAKES!”

Brother: “There are snakes. They aren’t poisonous, and they’re not hurting anyone. They are in their natural habitat. There were snakes when Joseph Smith prayed. There’s nothing I can do about it. I’m sorry it upsets you. By all reports there was a snake in the Garden of Eden, too.”

Guest: *wandering away* “It’s just so inappropriate!”

(The customer has ordered incorrectly. It is an item he cannot return because it’s final sale and it’s marked down.  All policies are in the FAQ.)

Me: *after explaining the policy* “You’re supposed to choose the color and size you need.”

Customer: “I didn’t know that!”

Me: “We have the steps on how to place an order in our FAQs.”

Customer: “I didn’t know that!”

Me: “With all due respect, sir, we hold you responsible for placing your orders correctly. You’re aware that you placed an order online, right?”

Customer: “I didn’t know that! Someone’s supposed to assist me, like in a real store!”

Me: “We’re an online store, sir. Like every website, we have the policies in the FAQ and the chat room if you have questions. It is never advisable that you avail of something you have no idea of.”

Customer: “I didn’t know that!”

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