I’m standing on a subway platform at Times Square. A woman comes up to another passenger near me and asks him:

Woman: “What train goes to Times Square?”

Guy: “All of them, once they turn around and come back here.”

The woman looked confused, so the guy explained:

Guy: “This is Times Square.”

Woman: “I’ve been going from platform to platform, and I’ve been at Times Square this whole time?!”

Guy: “Yeah, it can be like a maze down here.”

Woman: “How was I supposed to know I was still in Times Square?!”

The guy looks at the giant letters saying ‘TIMES SQUARE’ at multiple locations on the wall. He then makes eye contact at me, and we share a withering look, before he turns back to the woman, and decides it’s best to just ask her specifically where in Times Square she’s trying to get to.

I’m at a gig with a friend in New York City about twenty years ago. I am from Glasgow, and my mate is from London. A guy and his girlfriend are standing near us, and as you do at concerts, we got to talking.

Guy: “Where are you from?”

Me: “I’m from Scotland, and he’s from England.”

Girl: “When did you move here?”

Me: “Oh, we don’t live here. We’re just visiting for a couple of weeks.”

Girl: “But, you are moving here soon?”

Me: “Uh, not really? I’ve never lived outside of Scotland! Haha. In fact, this is my first time in the US.”

Girl: “I can’t believe you have never been in the US before! But that explains why you’re not planning on moving here, yet. You haven’t seen what it’s like here. When you do, you’ll start planning on moving. Everyone does.”

Me: “I mean, it’s fun and all, but I don’t think I want to leave Glasgow.”

Girl: “Hmm. We’ll see. But, wow, I can’t believe you’ve never been to America before! Everyone comes here!”

Me: “Gotta start sometime, right?”

Girl: “But, I can’t believe you’ve never been to America before!”

Guy: *To his girl.* “Have you ever been to Scotland or England?”

Girl: “Eww, no. Why would I go outside America?”

The guy looks back at us with an apologetic look and just says:

Guy: “Enjoy the gig, guys!”

We turn around and try to enjoy the music, but between every lull in songs, we can hear her behind us going:

Girl: “I can’t believe they’ve never been to America before! That’s like… unheard of!”

I’m working in a convenience store in New York City. A new mayor has just won his electoral race, and it’s on the front page of every newspaper in the city.

Customer: “Bah! Can you believe this guy? This guy says he’s a socialist! Loud and proud! This city is f***ed!”

Me: “I mean, he makes some interesting points.”

Customer: “F*** off with that socialism! I work hard for over forty hours a week, so that, what, worthless pieces of s*** who contribute nothing to society steal my earnings? F*** that! Get them off their f****** gravy train and force them to get real jobs, losers!”

Me: “Actually, I think you just described capitalism…”

Related:
Needs To Work On Their Socialist Skills, Part 11
Needs To Work On Their Socialist Skills, Part 10
Needs To Work On Their Socialist Skills, Part 9
Needs To Work On Their Socialist Skills, Part 8
Needs To Work On Their Socialist Skills, Part 7

CONTENT WARNING: Blood

This story reminds me of one that happened a couple of years ago. On my train home, we pulled into a station, and I saw the girl sitting across from me glance up toward the end of the car and then just bolt right out of the train.

Curious, I looked over, and as a guy who had just gotten on the train approached, I could see that his face was liberally covered in blood. It looked like he had a wound on his forehead, and he’d been bleeding enough that his shirt had gone from all-white to mostly red. Strangely, he didn’t seem to be in any distress at all; he just sat down like nothing had happened.

(I should point out that it was spring, so he definitely wasn’t in a Halloween costume.)

The rest of the ride was pretty quiet. The guy even briefly chatted with the person sitting next to him, who I’m guessing never looked at him. He wasn’t showing any signs of pain, the blood was mostly dry, so he wasn’t getting any on the floor, and he wasn’t wiping it off on the poles or seats, so I let him be. 

He was still on when we got to the terminal, so I figured that was the time to ask him about it, but someone else beat me to it. I didn’t hear what the other person said to him, but in response, the bleeding guy touched his hand to his forehead and said something like, “Oh, did it start again?”

Related:
More Drawn Out Than Drawing Blood

I’m taking a shuttle to the airport, along with some other passengers. As the driver unloads our luggage, I pull out some bills to tip him. An older woman passenger approaches me.

Woman: “Can I borrow a dollar?”

Me: “Sure.”

I peeled a bill off the ones I was going to tip with and gave it to her. She then handed it to the driver.