Raising Her Game, Not The Next Generation

, , , , | Romantic | November 18, 2013

(It is a few days before I leave my hometown for college. An ex is back in town for a while with his young son. I agree to walk around with him while we we’re both bored one night.)

Ex: “You know what? If we had stayed together, you would have had six kids by now.”

Me: “That is, without a doubt, the worst pick-up line I’ve ever heard.”

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Should Have Stopped Himself

, , | Working | September 19, 2013

(I’m out driving, and I see there’s been an accident up ahead. There is a police officer on the scene. I slow down, and drive past, careful not to crowd anyone, when the officer waves me over.)

Me: *pulling over and rolling down my window* “Yes, officer?”

Officer: “Afternoon, miss. You are aware that you are required to stop at stop signs, correct?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Officer: “So, do you want to tell me why you didn’t come to a complete stop when you were going through that intersection?”

Me: “I didn’t see a stop sign, sir.”

Officer: “Well, I think you’ll find, if you look right over there—”

(The officer points back in the direction of the intersection. He stops short when he sees that the entire intersection is uncontrolled, with not a single stop sign in sight.)

Officer: “—there are no stop signs. Good eye. But remember for future reference!”

Me: “Yes, sir. For future reference, I will continue to stop at all stop signs! Thank you, officer.”

Officer: *somewhat embarrassed* “You’re welcome. You can be on your way, now.”

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Tiger, Tiger, Fake And Bright

, , , | Right | March 5, 2011

Customer: “Excuse me, is your tiger fur made of real tiger?”

Me: “No. All of our furs are fake. It’s made of polyester.”

Customer: “Tigers are made of polyester?”

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Can’t Count On His Trust

, , , , | Right | December 22, 2010

(A group of four teens come in to see an R-rated movie. Two of the kids have ID revealing their age to be 17. The two girls have no ID. I am a manager and am called over to assist.)

Me: “What’s wrong here?”

Male Customer: “See, he and I have our IDs because I drove.” *points to girls* “They are 17. They just forgot their IDs.”

Me: “Well, you owe me $100.”

Customer: “What? No, I don’t.”

Me: “Oh, so you don’t take my word for it? You don’t trust me.”

Girl Customer: “Hey, we are 17. We know the rules. We just forgot our IDs.”

Me: “If you knew the rules, then why didn’t you bring your IDs? I can’t sell you tickets, but can I suggest a PG-13 movie?”

Male Customer: “Hey, wait. Why do I owe you $100?!”

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Aisle Be Watching You, Part 2

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2010

Customer: “I’m looking for horseradish.”

(I take her to the condiment section, where there are seven different kinds of horseradish.)

Customer: “No, it’s not any of these.”

Me: “Is it a refrigerated product?”

Customer: “Oh, I don’t know.”

Me: “Well, this is the only place I know of where we stock horseradish.”

(A few moments later, the customer finds me again.)

Customer: “I know where it is. But I’m not going to tell you. You need to figure it out on your own.”

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