Recently, we were discussing the cost of gasoline at work, and one guy got all smug.

Guy: “Well, I drive my pickup to [Gas Station] ten miles away, and I always save $0.10 a gallon over what they charge here!”

Me: “That’s great, but what mileage does your truck get?”

Guy: “About twenty miles per gallon. Why?”

Me: “That’s pretty good for a truck. And how much do you fill on average?”

Guy: “About fifteen gallons. Why?”

Me: “And are you doing anything else near that station?”

Guy: “No. Why?“

Me: “You drive twenty miles round-trip solely to get gas, which uses one gallon of gas. Gas costs about $3.50 per gallon. You save $0.10 a gallon which, for fifteen gallons, is $1.50. So you spend $3.50 to ‘save’ $1.50. And that’s not including the cost of wear and tear. You’d have to get thirty-five gallons to just break even.”

Guy: “What? No! I am saving money!”

I’ve actually had this sort of conversation with multiple people.

CEO: “Hi, [My Name], we wanted to talk to you in person (over the phone) to resolve the question of payment.”

Me: “Okay.”

CEO: “Let’s forget all of the stuff that has gone on in the past with this project. Let me put [Accountant] on the phone.”

Accountant: “What we’d like to do is offer to pay [amount] for the project. Based on what you billed us, we think [amount] is a fair amount, minus what we’ve already paid you, minus the recruiter fee.”

Me: “So, you’re ‘offering’ to pay me half of what is still owed on the bill for the work you hired me to do.”

Accountant: “Well, based on the total cost we’re willing to pay, minus the recruiter fee…”

Me: “A simple yes or no will suffice. If you owe me [total] and are ‘willing’ to pay [amount], if my math is correct, and I believe it is — I can redo it on my calculator if you’d like — you’re ‘willing’ to pay me half. Even though I rushed the work and everyone was thrilled with it.”

CEO: “Well… yes, I guess, you could say that is half…”

Me: “I do.”

CEO: “Look, I’m sure you just want to put this behind you—”

Me: “Actually, no. I want to be paid in full.”

CEO: “Well, this is all we’re willing to pay.”

Me: “You know you signed a contract, right?”

Accountant: “Well, we’ve had several conversations via email and in person about this—”

Me: “Yes, in each, you tried to weasel your way out of paying me.”

CEO: “I think this is a fair compromise.”

Me: “I think you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.”

In 1973, the department store I work at after high school has a deal where if you buy a $19 aquarium setup (gravel, pump, etc.), you can get three free fish after you set up the aquarium and condition the water. A man comes up to me with his receipt and asks for his free fish.

Me: “Certainly, sir. You can choose from these three types.”

They are very inexpensive fish.

Customer: “No, I want three of these!”

He points to the most expensive fish in the store: $50 each.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but the deal is you get to choose three of these, not [expensive fish].”

Customer: “The other employee said I could have any three fish!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give you $150 worth of fish for free to go with your $19 aquarium.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I’ve shopped at [Store] for twenty years!”

He pulled out his [Store] credit card and tried to tear it in half, unsuccessfully, while I was frantically calling my manager. My manager arrived, we both explained our positions, and the manager calmed down the customer and gave him his (proper) free fish.

This conversation occurred after receiving a retainer check that was $1,000 short of the agreed-upon amount and had a post-it note stuck to it informing me that they had decided to pay me in cash.

Client: “We decided to pay you in cash, which means that we can have a 20% to 30% discount on your services.”

Me: “How so?”

Client: “Well, since you won’t report the income, that will save you money. We figure that you’re in a 30% tax bracket, so we can certainly reduce your fee by that amount as you would be making more money.”

Me: “That’s not how it works.”

Client: “Oh, yes, it is.”

Me: “Um, I am not in the practice of giving cash discounts. Plus, you just sent me a check.”

Client: “You mean you won’t do this?”

Me: “No.”

Client: “So, you’re trying to rip me off?”

Me: “You were the one who decided to pay cash and decided that you were getting the discount.”

Client: *Yelling* “Okay, fine! Forget we ever had this conversation!” *Hangs up on me*

This took place a few years ago at a bar and grill I worked at. When I came up to a booth on a slow day, there was a woman in her forties looking through a menu. The two other customers were a woman in her twenties who seemed a bit sad and nervous and a small girl who I would guess was under ten years old and seemed rather frightened and fidgety. The older woman’s clothes were neat and tidy, whereas the younger woman and the little girl were wearing ill-fitting clothes and the younger girl’s hair was messy.

Older Woman: “I would like [Meal Option].”

Me: *To the younger woman* “And for you?”

The younger woman mumbled her order, staring at my order pad.

Older Woman: “Can we also have three iced teas, please?”

Me: *Looking at the little girl* “And for you?”

The little girl curled up in her seat in a failed attempt to look smaller, blinking fast.

Girl: *In a quiet voice* “I would like a [Children’s Meal], please.”

Older Woman: “And [Side].”

I served the three of them and all seemed well, with the younger woman saying “please” and “thank you” and even coming over to the bar with an empty glass when she finished her drink. The little girl didn’t say anything despite the older woman talking nineteen to the dozen.

When they had finished, I went to get their bill, and I hear cutlery dropping to the floor. The three of them had run out without paying.

I felt terrible. Not only was I now out on fifty dollars but the manager shouted at me for it. I remembered this incident when I recognized the woman in the newspaper a couple of years later when she was arrested.