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Soothing The Limping Cat, The Barking Dog, And The Standoffish Horse

, , , , , , | Friendly | November 26, 2021

I’m the author of Soothing The Skittish Cat. The cat in that story passed away at eighteen years old, not nearly as skittish as she was when I met her. One day, our downstairs neighbor knocks on our door, and my wife answers.

Neighbor: “Hey, is your wife home?”

Wife: “Yeah, what’s up?”

Neighbor: “My cat’s limping and he won’t let me near him, so I think he’s hurt. He likes her. Do you think she’d come take a look?”

I go downstairs and the cat limps right up to me. I immediately notice what looks like a bite mark on his hind leg.

Me: “Ah, okay. You need to get him to the vet. It looks like something bit him and it’s infected.”

I scoop the cat up into my arms and deposit him into the carrier the neighbor has, the cat purring the entire time.

Neighbor: “Thank you. I knew you could get him to behave.”

Me: “You’re welcome but… why me? He is your cat. Sure, he likes me, but…”

Neighbor: “Oh, he only lets you pick him up. Sort of like how [Neighbor #2]’s dog only lets you walk up to her porch without barking his head off. I’ve lived here for ten years and he still barks at me. You moved in last year and he’ll walk right up to you.”

Wife: “And my mom’s dog will literally only listen to you. You literally trained her because she wouldn’t listen to Mom at first. And that horse we saw at the state fair that apparently doesn’t let people touch him but wouldn’t let you stop scratching him, then he put his head on your shoulder and went to sleep — even the owner was amazed.”

Neighbor: *To my wife* “I’m pretty sure your wife is a witch.”

Wife: “She has a lot of familiars. You should have seen [Skittish Cat] when she first moved in with me; she got right in [My Name]’s lap on day one.”

The cat was fine after a round of antibiotics but I had to coax him out of the carrier when the neighbor brought him home. Apparently, I’ve been designated the friendly neighborhood witch!

Related:
Soothing The Skittish Cat

Someone Hand This Landline A Lifeline!

, , , , , | Working | November 23, 2021

My wife and I move into our new place in 2005. We reach out to a local phone company to get a landline set up. The technician shows up on schedule, gets things set up, and sets out on his way. We don’t use the landline much, but it is nice to have it just in case of an emergency. We mostly use it for ordering pizza once or twice a month.

About three months later, we’re in the works with a well-known ISP to get a cable modem set up. The technician shows up and gets things configured, and we now have Internet going.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary since we don’t use the landline much and we haven’t ordered pizza for a few months since the Internet was set up. I pick up the phone one day and there is no dial tone. Odd. I make sure the phone is plugged in, but there’s still no dial tone. I go upstairs to our other phone that’s on the landline and there’s no dial tone. Okay, something isn’t right.

I call the phone company on my cell phone and explain.

Phone Company: “We’ll set up a technician to come out to your place in a couple of days. The technician will call you with a more specific time, but right now he’s scheduled to show up between 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm. If the technician does not enter your home, there will be no charge for the visit.”

A couple of days go by, and I’m at work when I receive a call from the phone company’s technician at 11:00 am — three hours before he was supposed to be at my house.

Technician: “I was done early with my other jobs and I was in the area, so I stopped by. I noticed that you weren’t home, but I checked all the connections outside the house and everything for the landline works, so the problem is inside the house.”

Me: “Since you’re so early, I can’t leave work to meet you.”

Technician: “We’ll need to reschedule a tech visit, then, so we can check inside the house. You’ll be billed at that time for a tech visit. My visit today will be at no charge since I never went inside.”

Fast forward about a week. My stepdad and mom are visiting from out of state. My stepdad is Mr. Fixit; he used to be a certified plumber, electrician, car mechanic, and so on, for years. If something breaks, he has the tools to fix it 99% of the time. I tell him about the landline not working and I mention that I haven’t called for a tech to visit yet since I’m not in any rush.

My stepdad takes a look at the wiring inside the house and finds that when the Internet company came through, they must have disconnected the phone line while working and forgot to reconnect it inside when they were done working, or they knocked things loose and didn’t notice. My stepdad fixes the issue and the landline starts working.

A couple of weeks later, I get the phone bill for the landline and there is a $75 technician service fee on my bill. I was told no service fee would be charged if the technician never set foot in my house, so I call the phone company.

Lady: “[Greeting spiel]. How can I help?”

Me: “I have a $75 technician fee on my bill that is incorrect and I need to get it removed. I was told that if a technician had to come into my residence I would be billed, but the technician never came inside my house. He only checked connections outside.”

Lady: “I see. We dispatched a technician to troubleshoot a phone problem, which is where the charge came from.”

Me: “And I was told by the technician when I spoke to him on the phone and the customer service person when I set things up that if the technician didn’t enter my home, there would be no charge. The technician never came into my house because he showed up three hours early and no one was home to let him in. He only checked the connections outside and determined there was no problem outside of my home.”

Lady: “Okay. I can’t help you with this, but let me transfer you to the technician department and they’ll be able to help you out.”

I’m transferred and sit on hold for a good ten minutes. I speak to someone in that department and tell them the same. I’m told they can’t help and I should have been sent to customer service. 

I’m transferred and hold for about five minutes. I speak to a third person and give them my story. I’m again told that they can’t help me and that I should have been transferred to billing to correct the issue.

Again, I’m transferred. I hold for a bit and speak to a fourth person. I tell them the situation, and for a fourth time, I’m told they can’t help me and I will have to talk to someone else……

Yep, transferred again. I’m on hold for a few minutes and the first lady I spoke with answers the phone. Now I’m pissed. I’ve been passed around to multiple departments, told my issue to different people, and no one can help me.

Lady: “[Greeting spiel]. How can I help?”

Me: “I spoke to you a little bit ago about my problem, you passed me off to another department, and I got passed off again and again. I’ve told my issue to multiple people in different departments and I’m getting tired of the runaround.”

Lady: “I’m sorry, but there is nothing I can do for you. Because a technician came out to your residence, there is a technician charge.”

Me: “I was f****** told no service charge would be applied if the technician never came inside my residence. The technician never f****** came inside my house. I was not home. No one was home to let him in. What part about this don’t you f****** understand? I want this service charge removed right f****** now.”

Lady: “Uh! I don’t appreciate you speaking like that to—”

Me: “I don’t give a s*** what you like. I don’t like being tossed around like a f****** piece of meat, and no one is willing to help. Do your f****** job and remove this incorrect charge.”

Lady: “Hold, please.”

I sit on hold for about ten minutes and the lady comes back.

Lady: “The $75 technician charge has been reversed on your account; you will see this reflected on your next bill. You do not need to pay the $75 service fee.”

Me: “Thank you. I appreciate the help. I shouldn’t have to resort to talking to people like crap just to get help.”

The lady said nothing else and hung up on me.

I kept the landline for about another six months and then got rid of it. We started getting too many cold calls and spam calls to justify keeping a landline for the handful of calls we’d make on it.

You Can Pretend You’re Wringing The Neck Of Someone You Hate!

, , , , | Working | November 15, 2021

It’s a Thursday, which for us usually means we’re finishing moving seasonal items from the stock room to the sales floor so that it’s clean for Friday’s truck. Two of my teenage coworkers are working on opening the last few boxes of freight, which include bubble wrap.

Coworker #1: “Hey, [My Name]! You should come pop this!”

I’ve been having a weird day, doing something I’m not usually in charge of, and I’m covered in glitter from the stock I’m moving. I walk over and join them.

Coworker #2: “It’s so satisfying.”

They’re both just standing/stomping on the bubble wrap to flatten it before they throw it away. That’s not how I like to pop bubble wrap, so I pick up a piece and twist it with my hands.

Coworker #1: *Looking surprised* “Ohhhh, I like it.”

Me: “Stress relief!”

It seemed like my coworker had never seen bubble wrap popped that way before. It’s much more satisfying to me to physically twist it than to just stomp on it.

Just Say “Yes” And Ask Them To Figure Out The Next Step

, , , , , | Right | November 12, 2021

I work in a relatively small community bank that is only in a specific area, which, due to the location of my city, does include part of the neighboring state. Other than the locations in this area, however, we have none in any other states. That said, the number of people that call in wanting to deposit money from out of state is kind of baffling.

An example that just happened recently was a call our personal banker handled.

Personal Banker: “[Bank], this is [Personal Banker]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to do a remote deposit. Can you help me?”

Personal Banker: “You can do that if you have online banking and have previously set it up.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, this isn’t a check. Isn’t there any way to remote deposit cash? We’re two states over and there are none of your branches here.”

Personal Banker: “Uh… No. We can’t remote deposit cash for you.”

Not The Boost You Were Expecting Today

, , , , , , | Working | October 31, 2021

It’s the start of flu season. Several grocery store chains are offering a $5 payment for getting flu vaccinated. I’m already vaccinated against the health crisis disease, but I figure I should get flu vaccinated, too; I work closely with people.

I decide to go to one of the pharmacies that’s offering a $5 gift card. The main desk has big placards that say, “Pickup,” “Dropoff,” and, “Information”. I wait in line for information.

When I reach the technician behind the desk:

Me: “I would like the flu vaccine.”

Employee #1: “All vaccine inquiries go to the window on the right.”

Sure enough, to the right, hidden behind some shelves that appear to be laden homeopathic medicines and such, is a little tiny archway window that looks like it’s somehow older than the whole rest of the building. For some reason, a small section of wall around that window, and only around that window, is made of red bricks. There’s a sign over the window that says, “Vaccine inquiries,” and there are information placards for both the [health crisis] vaccine and the flu vaccine.

There are three people in line in front of me. I wait my turn and then approach the desk.

Me: “Hello. I would like the flu vaccine, please.”

Employee #2: “Okay. Can I have your ID, a credit card, and your insurance card?”

I hand him my ID and insurance card as he presses a pile of documents on a clipboard toward me.

Employee #2: “Sign this.”

He turns his back on me to start entering information from my cards into the computer. I give the paperwork a quick read. It says, “[health crisis] vaccine.” Like a lot. In several places. It does not say, “flu vaccine,” in even one place.

Me: “Uh, sir?”

He seems busy. I wait. Finally, he turns to me

Employee #2: “Have you got it filled out yet?”

Me: “No, sir. It’s wrong. It says, ‘[health crisis] vaccine’ and I wanted the flu vaccine.”

Employee #2: “It’s fine. Just fill it out and sign it.”

Me: “Okay. And you’re sure this is going to be the flu vaccine?”

Employee #2: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay.”

So, I fill it out and sign it. I also scratch out “[Health Crisis]” and write “Flu” and then initial the change. This turns out to be important later.

He takes the paperwork from me and directs me towards a third area, hidden from the first two. This area has brown painted cinder-block walls and several doors in a small cupola waiting area. The sign over it simply says, “Treatment.”

Eventually, someone comes out of one of the doors. This man is different from the lab technician I had been speaking to earlier. He’s older for one, with a strong accent that makes it clear English is not his first language.

Employee #3: “You are here for the vaccine, yes?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Employee #3: “[My Name], yes?”

Me: “Yes, sir.”

Employee #3: “What is your birthday, yes?”

Me: “[Birthday], sir.”

Employee #3: “Very good. Come with me. We will get you vaccinated.”

I follow him through another door to a small room, almost the size of a broom closet, but much more brightly lit.

Employee #3: “You do not have any allergies to any medicines, no?”

Me: “No, sir, no allergies.”

Employee #3: “You have a wife?”

Me: “Yes, I do.”

Employee #3: “Good. She will be very happy that you are being safe. Please lift your sleeve. This will pinch a little. It will not hurt, no.”

He pokes my shoulder with the needle and injects it.

Employee #3: “Very good. Go to the ‘Vaccine Inquiries’ desk to schedule your second shot, yes.”

Me: “Second shot? I thought that the flu vaccine only needed one shot. Also, uh… How do I get my five dollars?”

Employee #3: “Flu vaccine? No, this is [health crisis] vaccine.”

Me: “I already got the [health crisis] vaccine. My insurance is going to deny a third shot.”

Employee #3: “Please take this matter to the ‘Information’ desk. I cannot help you with this.”

Me: “Okay.”

I go back to the Information desk. There’s a different person this time, a woman. I can’t see the man I spoke to earlier.

Me: “Hey, you gave me the [health crisis] shot, and I wanted the flu shot.”

She glances at my paperwork.

Employee #4: “It says, ‘[health crisis].’ Also, there were some issues with your payment.”

Me: “Please look closer at the paperwork, ma’am.” 

She looks closer and sees that I crossed out “[health crisis]” and wrote “flu.”

Employee #4: “I can’t accept this paperwork; it’s been altered. Do you have any paperwork that hasn’t been altered?”

Me: “I feel like maybe I should be the one asking you that, ma’am. Can I get whatever charges you’ve made on my card canceled and get the flu vaccine I asked for, please?”

Employee #4: *Pauses* “One moment, sir, while I go get a manager.”

Me: “Thank you.”

The manager comes out and looks at the paperwork. He talks with the lady and with the employee who gave me the shot. Then, he looks at the paperwork again and starts typing on the computer. He doesn’t ask me any questions. Finally, he walks up to the front desk.

Manager: “Sir, I’ve refunded the charges against your card because it was our error. Do you still want the flu shot with us?”

Me: “No offense, sir, but I think I will be going elsewhere. Thank you very much for your assistance. I’m very glad it’s fixed. But I just want to go home now. I think I will try again elsewhere tomorrow.”

I went home and checked my bank statement. Sure enough, they had tried to charge me and then canceled the transaction. The next day, I went to a different grocery store pharmacy that was offering $5 for the flu vaccine. This time, it went very smoothly.