Me: “Sir, can you please tell me your full name and date of birth?”

Caller: “Why?! That’s private!”

Me: “I need to go through some security questions before I can give you any information pertaining to your account.”

Caller: “I don’t want to give you my sensitive information!”

Me: “Sir, you provided that information when you signed up for your account.”

Caller: “I typed it into a computer, not told it to a person!”

Me: “Sir, if you’d prefer to fix your account online, you can do so.”

Caller: “No, I want you to fix it, but I don’t want you to know all my s***!”

Me: “Sir, when you call us from your phone number linked to your account, like you’re doing right now, I can already see all that information. I can see where you live. I know what numbers you’re regularly calling and texting. I know all the answers to your security questions, and yes, I know your date of birth. I’m asking for you to verify it so I can give you information.”

Caller: “You… can?!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Did you think I was asking for your date of birth so I could say, ‘hmm, sounds about right”? I’m literally looking at it right now.”

A slight pause, and then…

Caller: “…does my senator know about you people?”

It was a loooong call.

Last year, I was woken up by a telemarketer working for my cell phone provider, informing me that I’d have to update my data plan from 4G to 5G, increasing the cost of my plan by ‘only 10%’ for a year, and after that, it would be 50% more than my 4G plan.

Me: “I am not interested, period.”

Telemarketer: “But it’s up to 200Mbps!”

Me: “I don’t care, I don’t need that kind of speed on my phone, I am not going to switch to 5G no matter what.”

Telemarketer: “Why not?”

Me: “None of your business.” *Click.*

Immediately after the call, I realized she had said that I ‘have to’ switch to 5G, implying 4G was going to be discontinued, yet when I refused, she instead kept telling me that 5G is so much better.

That made me angry, as these sorts of deceptive tactics might actually work on the elderly, the tech-illiterate, and worst of all, on people with certain disabilities. Just as I was gathering steam, I received a text in which my cell provider asked me to rate the call. 

I told them exactly what I thought of the telemarketer’s predatory tactics, then to make sure they got my message, I emailed their customer service, and contacted their customer service through their live chat.

Later that day, I received an email from the company (not customer service) informing me that they had listened to the recording, apologizing for the telemarketer’s actions.

My 4G’s price went up a little bit sometime later, but nowhere near as much as the one-year offer on the 5G was. I don’t know if the telemarketer was supposed to say that I SHOULD switch because my plan’s price was going to rise anyway and for ‘a little bit more’ I could multiply the speed, only for the telemarketer to go off-script and unintentionally lie to me (she most definitely DID say “I have to”/”I must” switch, there is no other way to interpret the words she used), but in order to err on the side of caution I have to assume it was deliberate.

I work for a phone company back in the days of Nokia phones and when you had to pay to send individual SMS messages. I get a call from an older lady.

Caller: “I cancelled my service! I’m not going to pay anymore!”

Me: “Ma’am, I can confirm that your service has been canceled.”

Caller: “But my phone is still on!”

I take this to mean she’s still getting service on her phone, so I call it and get the out-of-service message.

Me: “Ma’am, I have confirmed that you are not getting any service from us.”

Caller: “But my phone is still on! It still lights up! I’m not paying for that!”

I realize she is now thinking that her phone being powered up is the same as receiving phone service.

Me: “Stick it in a drawer and mark your calendar for fourteen days. It will no longer light up.”

Caller: “I haven’t gotten important calls from people in two months! Why do I even pay your company money for my phone?!”

Me: “What’s your number, sir?”

He proceeds to give me his number and the lookup says it’s not in service. I take his cell phone and look at the number, it’s not the same one he gave me. I approach carefully as he might be dyslexic or something and I don’t want to be rude.

Me: “Sir, I can show you here that this is actually your number. Perhaps you just misremembered it?”

Caller: “Well, yeah but they’re all my numbers.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Caller: “Those are all my numbers!”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry but I don’t understand what you mean. Can you elaborate?”

Caller: “I thought you’d be smarter than me but you’re an idiot! I can use these numbers however I want. They’re my numbers! They’re my numbers! That’s what I was told when I got this piece of s*** phone and number from you!”

It dawns on me…

Me: “Sir… are you seriously suggesting you thought you could type these numbers in any sequence, and it would still be your number?”

Caller: “Yes, that’s how it works!”

Me: “No. No that’s not how this works.”

The call descended into him telling me this was a bait and switch and saying he’ll sue, etc.

A customer called in today complaining that he was completely unable to make phone calls.

Customer: “Your service is absolutely horrendous! I need this fixed right away. I urgently need to call my doctor, and no matter what I do, the call won’t go through!”

I asked him, before asking anything else:

Me: “Can you make or receive calls from any other number?”

Customer: “Of course I can’t! I’m using my brother’s phone to call you. That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard!”

He spent an hour yelling and complaining. Finally, he said…

Customer: “I have to deal with your stupidity, all while my town is being rebuilt!”

I probed into what he could have meant by that. It turned out that a bad storm had hit his town, causing a tree to fall — you guessed it — into his doctor’s office.

Me: “I’m going to test-call your phone to see if it will go through.”

Customer: “You can’t. I’m using that phone to talk to you.”

Me: “I thought you were using your brother’s phone?”

Customer: “I never said that.”

He did say that — three or four times. I guess he just assumed the doctor’s office was going to set a tarp over the damage and take his urgent call.