Customer: “Which books would you recommend for a pre-teen girl?”

Me: “Well, that depends; does she like fantasy, horror, science fiction?”

Customer: “Whichever you recommend.”

Me: “I’m partial to fantasy myself.”

(I show her several series that I had read myself and enjoyed.)

Customer: “So, you think she would like these?”

Me: “Well, I loved them a lot.”

Customer: “But do you think SHE will?”

Me: “I honestly couldn’t say, ma’am. You know your niece better than I do; I’ve never met her.”

Customer: *staring blankly at the books* “But do you think she will like them?”

Me: “If she doesn’t, you can give her a gift receipt and she can return the books.”

Customer: “I didn’t ask you about a gift receipt. I asked you if my niece would like the books you recommended.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am incapable of making up your own mind about books for someone I’ve never met.”

Customer: “I see. So, when they hire people for minimum wage, they really get what they pay for.”

Me: *sarcastically* “Corporate doesn’t provide mind manipulation skills as part of the hiring package, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, they should!”

(She complains to a manager and walks out without ever making up her mind about a book for her niece.)

Manager: “Did she seriously ask you to manipulate her thoughts about a book decision?”

Me: “I can’t make up my OWN mind sometimes, much less someone else’s.”

This story is part of our Book Lovers roundup!

Read the next Book Lovers Roundup story!

Read the Book Lovers Roundup!

(I work at the hotel bar, and at the time was the only one on duty. Two days before I’d jammed my fingers in a door and as such couldn’t use my left hand properly, and was wearing a bandage so the guests would see. We also shake our drinks using a shaker and glass so the customers get a bit of a show.)

Customer: “I’d like a Sex on the Beach, please.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t make any shaken drinks at the moment since I can’t use my left hand.”

Customer: “Oh. Well, can you make something else that’s shaken?”

Me: “Um, no. My hand is injured, and shaking one-handed isn’t a good idea.”

Customer: “You just don’t know how to make the drink, do you? Trying to get away with something simple?”

Me: *proceed to tell him the recipe of several shaken drinks* “…but I can’t do that because of my hand.”

Customer: “I bet you I could shake one-handed. You’re just inept.”

Me: “If you can do that, the drink’s on the house, but I won’t be responsible for any damages or spills.”

Customer: “I’ve got a free drink then.”

(He tries to shake it, and inevitably screws up, breaking the glass and spilling ingredients all over himself.)

Customer: “I want a refund!” *storms out*

Me: “All right, you’re all set! Here are your bags, and have a good weekend!”

Customer: “Thank you.”

Me: “And Happy Easter!”

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: “Happy Easter?”

Customer: “That could be offensive.”

Me: “I’m… sorry?”

Customer: “You know, some people don’t celebrate Easter. It’s offensive and rude of you to assume that.”

Me: “I… I’m sorry. I guess I did assume because you were buying plastic eggs and basket grass.”

Customer: “You see? You’re assuming.”

Me: “Would you like me to un-wish you a happy Easter?”

Customer: “And there you go with the f****** rude attitude! I celebrate Easter! I just think you need to not be so assuming!”

Me: “Have a nice day, ma’am.”

Customer: *leaving* “Ignorant little f***s…”

This story is part of the Easter roundup!

Read the next Easter roundup story!

Read the Easter roundup!

(A customer calls in having trouble logging into her email.)

Me: “Okay, let’s try typing the password into a text program like Notepad or Word. Then, we can copy and paste it into the password box.”

Caller: “Copy and paste?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s just a quick–”

Caller: “COPY AND PASTE? What the h***?! I have a secretary so that I don’t have to learn copy and f****** paste!”

Me: “If you calm down, it’s really very easy.”

Caller: *hangs up phone*

This story is part of our Password roundup!

Read the next Password roundup story!

Read the Password roundup!

(A customer walks in about thirty minutes before we close on Christmas Eve. We are closing early due to the holiday. Every customer that night is buying last-minute gifts.)

Me: “Hello, what can I help you find?”

Customer: “A converter box.”

Me: “Sure, let me show you what we have.”

Customer: “What’s this $40 off crap?”

Me: “If you go to [website], you can get a coupon for $40 off.”

Customer: “Oh, it’s some mail-in rebate scam. Never mind…”

Me: “Okay, shall I ring this up for you?”

Customer: “You seem to be in a bit of a hurry. What’s the rush?”

Me: “It’s Christmas Eve, and we close in fifteen minutes. I want to get the store ready to close so I can leave as soon as possible.”

Customer: “You’re closing early for what?”

Me: “Christmas Eve.”

Customer: “Wow, they give you guys time off for anything these days!”

Me: *facepalm*

Manager: *facepalm*

Another Customer: *bursts out laughing*

Customer: “What!? Ugh, fine! I’ll take the box!”

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

Read the next Christmas Eve roundup story!

Read the Christmas Eve roundup!