(I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)

Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”

Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price]. Here are your chips.”

Customer: “No, I want chips.”

Me: “These are chips.”

Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”

Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”

Customer: “So? We’re in America.”

Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”

Customer: “So?”

Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”

Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America, they’re called french fries!”

Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”

Customer: *stares blankly*

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Me: “Hi, did you find everything all right?”

Customer: “Yeah, I brought in my old printer ink so I know which number to get.”

Me: “A very good idea. And would you like to recycle your ink cartridge? You can receive money back if you’re a rewards customer.”

Customer: “A what customer?”

Me: “It’s a frequent shoppers program that lets you rack up purchases and receive money back on them. When you recycle an ink cartridge, you get $3.00.”

Customer: “I don’t want no credit card.”

Me: “Oh, it’s not a credit card, sir. And it’s completely free to sign up.”

Customer: “No, thanks.”

Me: “All right, would you like to recycle it anyway? We do that here for free.”

Customer: “Why would I recycle it?”

Me: “Well, because it’s empty, and you can’t recycle them yourself. It’s better than just throwing it away.”

Customer: “Why?”

Me: “…because it’s good for the Earth?”

Customer: “What has Earth ever done for me?”

Me: “Oxygen, sir?”

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(Our restaurant is within walking distance of an assisted living center so many of our regulars are special needs adults. We get a regular group of four people who have to make their order the same way every time. The routine involves the four of them reading the menu board for about five minutes and then one of them ordering each of them a hamburger individually.)

Me: “Hey! What can I get you?”

Special Needs Customer: “I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

(An agitated customer who has been standing in line behind the group the entire time chimes in.)

Customer #2: “He would like four hamburgers. Can we hurry this up?”

Special Needs Customer: “No! I would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger.”

Customer #2: “Oh, my god!”

Me: “So if I got this right, you would like a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger and a hamburger?”

Special Needs Customer: “Yes, that’s right!”

Me: “You know what I think you need? A high-five!”

Special Needs Customer: “You know I do!”

(I high-five the guy over the counter and the other three all take a turn getting a high-five.)

Customer #2: “This is just ridiculous!” *storms out of the store*

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(I’m finishing a long transaction for a supermarket customer.)

Customer: “You realise that you didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ throughout all of that?!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I thought I did.”

Customer: “Do you go to college or is this your full-time job?!’

Me: “I go to college, but–”

Customer: “GOOD! DON’T DO THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY CRAP AT IT!”

Me: “Hello, what brings you into [toy store]?”

Customer: “Just looking around… all of my grandkids are too old for stuffed animals.”

Me: “There are a lot of adults who come in who collect them.”

Customer: “I saw a lot of college kids in here over the summer getting them.”

Me: “Actually, I have a stuffed animal that I sleep with every night.”

Customer: “You know what you need to do… you need to get yourself a man!”