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President-ing Under The Influence

, , , | Right | July 23, 2019

(I work in backgrounds for the government. We check all kinds of criminal convictions that are misdemeanors or worse. This means even small things like driving without a license. If it’s a misdemeanor, we look into it. The guy I am working with now has had a few DUIs — driving under the influence. We ask for court documents from everybody, no exceptions. We don’t have a public counter, so all communication is by phone, email, or letter. I’m speaking to this guy by phone as I explain our document requirement.)

Guy: “This—“ *meaning his DUIs* “—has nothing to do with my [application]!”

(I remind him of the [application] and repeat our requirements.)

Guy: “Well, Bush had DUIs. I’m just like him. Wouldn’t you let him have [application]?”

Me: “Sir, if the former president wanted [application], I’d have him submit the required paperwork, too.”

Time To Vacate The Classroom

, , , , | Learning | July 23, 2019

(I go to a private school. All of my classmates come from rather affluent families except one girl, whose parents came to Austria during the Yugoslav wars. Her mother is a groundskeeper at the school and so they are exempt from the tuition fees. However, any extra school activities — museum visits, language travels, skiing trips, etc. — are not covered by these fees and have to be paid extra. Since the first year, there has been an understanding that our parents will split her share amongst them so she can come with us. All the teachers and the headmaster know this and it is never discussed publicly to avoid embarrassing her. We are now one year before graduation, and in this year, every class produces a school newspaper which is sold to alumni, at school functions, etc. Traditionally, either most or all of the money made is given to a charity the class decides to support. We have decided to use the money to pay for our classmate’s “Matura travel” — after graduating, the whole class goes on something similar to spring break, the last time everyone will be together before heading to university. As class president, I handle the finances of our newspaper. I have just dropped the money made at an alumni meeting at the headmaster’s office to be deposited in our account when I run into my German teacher who has supervised making the newspaper. She asks me if we have already chosen a charity and I tell her we will give it to our classmate so she can go on the trip. The following takes place during the next German lesson, which is not part of the newspaper activities.)

Teacher: “I spoke to [My Name] yesterday and he informed me that you will not support a charity this year and will keep the newspaper money for yourselves. I have to say that I am very disappointed with your decision. We here at [School] pride ourselves on giving back to the community.”

Me: “Ms. [Teacher], we chose how we would like to spend the money unanimously.”

Teacher: “[My Name], please let me finish. I’m sure you had good intentions, but maybe you have not considered all the options. I brought some flyers from charity organisations, especially this [Animal Charity] which I can vouch for personally. [Her Husband, also a teacher at the school] and I are on their board and it is a very worthy cause.”

(Our classmate is obviously embarrassed by now and staring at her desk.)

Me: “Madame, I’m sure all these causes are worthy but we made the decision for our class community.”

Teacher: “Well, you obviously don’t understand what community means. [Classmate], don’t you want to say something? You are the reason we have this discussion in the first place.” 

(We are all furious by now; as I said, our classmate’s financial status was never publicly acknowledged, including trips organized by this teacher.)

Classmate’s Best Friend: “Madame, there is no discussion. It is our money! Period.”

Teacher: *ignoring her* “[Classmate], I still would like to hear from you. Is your vacation really more important to you than helping those poor animals?”

Classmate: “I don’t know. I would love to go with you to Greece, but I understand if you want to donate the money.”

Teacher: “Thank you, [Classmate]. See? I think we are getting somewhere.”

Classmate’s Best Friend: “No, we are not. You come with us and that’s it.”

Teacher: “[Best Friend], silence! I will not have you interrupting when I speak.”

Me: “Ms. [Teacher], we can have another vote. Everyone who wants [Classmate] to come with us, please raise your hand.”

(Everyone except [Classmate] raises their hand.)

Teacher: “No! I will not accept this. There is too much pressure. We will have an anonymous vote. Everyone will find me during lunch break, tell me which charity to support, and I will give you the results of which charity we support tomorrow.”

(There is some loud disagreement.)

Teacher: “I can’t believe you. Those poor animals and you think only about yourselves. No community spirit.”

Me: “Madame, you are out of line. This is a class decision and you have no part in it. We have voted on it twice; please accept that.”

Teacher: “[My Name], we will see about that. I did not put all the work into the newspaper just so you guys can get drunk and parade around the beach in your bikinis.”

Male Classmate: “But I look so hot in a bikini.”

(The class loses it.)

Teacher: *screaming over the laughter* “[Male Classmate], to the headmaster’s office, and you can take [Best Friend] with you. This will teach you!”

(The class is immediately quiet and they both start getting up.)

Me: “I’ll come with.”

Teacher: “You certainly won’t.”

Me: “As class president and member of the pupil-parent-teacher-council, I absolutely can be present if disciplinary actions are taken against one of my classmates. It’s in the school bylaws. Why don’t you look them up sometime?”

(This is true but normally it is only enacted for really serious matters like expulsions.)

Teacher: “How dare you? All of you to the headmaster’s office!”

(The whole class gets up.)

Teacher: *screaming* “Only you three!”

(She rushes out of the room and we follow her. [Male Classmate] and I are looking rather bemused and the best friend looks like she is about to explode. All the way to the office the teacher is throwing angry looks at us but remains quiet. Once there, she rushes by the secretary directly into the headmaster’s room.) 

Headmaster: “Ms. [Teacher], what’s wrong?”

Teacher: “I can’t teach like this. These three have been interrupting my class, making fun of me, and insulting me. Also, they have coaxed the whole class into keeping the money from our newspaper. I want them to be officially reprimanded.”

Headmaster: “Mr. [My Name], I have to say I am rather disappointed. I thought highly of your class and your choice when you told me you would use the money so Ms. [Classmate] can come along.”

Classmate’s Best Friend: “That’s what we still want to spend the money on, but [Teacher] tried to force us to give it to some animal charity.”

Teacher: “I didn’t force you. I just felt you had not considered every option…”

Headmaster: “Wait. Ms. [Teacher], this doesn’t happen to be your animal charity, does it?”

Teacher: “Yes, it does. And I still think if they gave it a fair thought they would find it at least as worthy as going on vacation.”

Headmaster: “I see. [Teacher’s First Name], I know you feel very strongly about your charity but it is the pupils’ money. They earned it, they get to choose how to spend it, and you have to accept that. And for my part, I think they are setting a great example for the community spirit here at [School]. Now, is this resolved, and can I send you back to the classroom?”

Teacher: “Yes, I guess so.”

(We all returned to the class and the teacher had us read our textbooks silently. The following lessons were rather awkward, but luckily, this happened shortly before the summer holidays. I wonder what it will be like with this teacher next year. I also should mention that our classmate told us that the teacher apologized to her in private.)

A Knee-Jerk Reaction To The Dress

, , , , | Right | July 22, 2019

(Two women come into my shop looking for dresses. I help [Customer #1] find one, and while she tries it on, I help [Customer #2] look for a dress for herself. [Customer #1] comes out of the dressing room to get our opinion on the dress, and although the dress fits well, the hem is up past her knees, and it is not flattering. I am always honest with my customers, preferring they look their best rather than just making a sale, so I suggest she tries something longer.)

Me: “The hemline on that one is not very flattering; let’s try a longer style.”

Customer #1: “You don’t like the dress?”

Customer #2: “The dress looks great, but your knees are ugly!

Some People Would Still Prefer Broken Glass To Pineapple

, , , , , , | Working | July 22, 2019

When I am sixteen, I work in a pizza place in the midwest, where tornadoes tend to happen. It’s mid-morning and the initial rush has petered out. We just have one customer and he’s waiting for a pizza he ordered.

A freak storm blows up. It starts to rain, and quickly moves to rain and hail. The winds start going crazy outside, and the rain is pouring down along with some quarter-size hail. We’re basically looking at weather that goes to funnel clouds very easily. It happens very quickly; it is starting to rain when our customer walked in the door, we build his pizza from scratch, and it’s in the oven. It’s been less than fifteen minutes.

One of my delivery drivers is in the back and he calls to me, with the phone pressed to his face, to say our other pizza driver has been forced to take shelter. He tells us it looked like a funnel cloud was forming and it had blown past them and was heading in our direction. I go back to thank the driver for the info, and to tell the driver to stay safe and come back when he can and not to rush.

As this is being relayed back and forth, there’s a massive crash and the sound of breaking glass. Our general manager comes running out of her office yelling and cursing, thinking someone in the store just destroyed something.

I come running out of the back because the whole building shook and I realize, “Oh, my God, there was a customer out there!”

Our marquee has been ripped off the building and chucked through our front window like a battering ram. It snapped in half so that half of it is in the lobby; the other half cleared the counter and came into the area where we cook and prepare food. If I hadn’t gone back to talk to my delivery driver, there was a real chance I would have been hit by the thing.

The poor customer in the lobby had hit the floor and covered his head with his hands. He comes up slowly, shedding pieces of glass, and turns around to stare at this huge metal thing that missed him by about a foot. The customer is okay; none of the glass has actually cut him.

Our general manager yells at him — over howling wind, rain, and bouncing golf-ball-sized hail that’s now playing pinball in our lobby — to get behind the counter with the rest of us, and rushes us all to the walk-in cooler. We wait in the cooler for about 30 minutes for the noise to drop before coming out.

Our power is dead, but we make our customer a new pizza with fresh ingredients — the one in the oven, plus the ingredients we’d had out in the prepping station, are scrapped on the off-chance that they have gotten glass in them — free of charge and give him directions for cooking it at home.

Our general manager runs off to call corporate to let them know the store is closed due to our sign sitting in the front lobby. Corporate wants to know why we can’t just sweep up the lobby and continue business. Our general manager tells them that we have no power and it is a safety issue to allow customers to climb through a shattered storefront for food that we can’t cook anyway.

In the end, only the threat of possible customer injury makes corporate — begrudgingly — agree that closing the store is the best option.

Old Parents, Modern Workplace

, , , , | Related | July 22, 2019

(I am laid off from my job and move back in with my parents while I sort things out. I manage to find a new position in good time. However, the following talk still occurs every so often.)

Parents: “Did you get in trouble at your last job? Like, were you late or anything?”

Me: “No, I did everything I was supposed to.”

Parents: “So, how come they let you go?”

Me: “I already told you: they were downsizing and I was one of the few people they laid off.”

Parents: “If you say so. We’re just trying to figure out what you did.”

(I didn’t do anything. My old company had to cut costs somewhere, and I, unfortunately, was a part of it. For some reason, the idea that a bad thing could happen to me for reasons beyond my control is a completely alien concept to them. My dad keeps telling everyone that I must’ve done something for them to let me go. Thanks. That REALLY helps my self-esteem.)