President-ing Under The Influence

(I work in backgrounds for the government. We check all kinds of criminal convictions that are misdemeanors or worse. This means even small things like driving without a license. If it’s a misdemeanor, we look into it. The guy I am working with now has had a few DUIs — driving under the influence. We ask for court documents from everybody, no exceptions. We don’t have a public counter, so all communication is by phone, email, or letter. I’m speaking to this guy by phone as I explain our document requirement.)

Guy: “This—“ *meaning his DUIs* “—has nothing to do with my [application]!”

(I remind him of the [application] and repeat our requirements.)

Guy: “Well, Bush had DUIs. I’m just like him. Wouldn’t you let him have [application]?”

Me: “Sir, if the former president wanted [application], I’d have him submit the required paperwork, too.”