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I’ve Told Them A Brazillion Times

, , , , , | Friendly | February 13, 2018

(My friend was born in Brazil. When he first moved to Australia, he spoke no English, but has since become fluent. This is a conversation I’ve witnessed a few too many times.)

Person: “So, you speak Brazilian, right?”

Friend: “There’s no such language as Brazilian. Brazilian people speak Portuguese.”

Person: “Why do Brazilians speak Portuguese instead of Brazilian? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Friend: “Why do Australians speak English instead of Australian? That doesn’t make any sense.”

(At this point, the other person’s mind usually implodes a little.)

Pepperoni, Cheese, And A Lacking Understanding Of How Time Works

, , , | Right | February 13, 2018

(There is a big sport event near our restaurant. We are packed the whole day. In our restaurant, you pay your order beforehand at a counter. A customer with two kids orders three pizzas, and I inform them about our 40-minute wait. The customer seems to understand this and is fine with the wait. After 20 minutes, the customer comes to me at the counter.)

Customer: “We have waited at least an hour! This is ridiculous!”

Me: “I am terribly sorry for the wait. As you can see, we are full.”

Customer: “My kids are hungry! How dare you keep us waiting this long?! We are in a hurry, and we have waited an hour for just three pizzas!”

Me: “I am so sorry, ma’am. I’ll ask from the kitchen how your order is doing.”

(As I turn around, the chef puts the customer’s pizzas out, ready to be taken to tables.)

Me: “Good news! Your pizzas are ready, and I’ll take them to your table right now.”

Customer: “No! We have waited so long, and we need to get going! I am not eating those pizzas here; we do not have time!”

Me: “How about I put them in pizza boxes, so you can take them with you and eat on your way? Again, I am very sorry for the wait.”

Customer: “No, no! We don’t have time! I want a refund!”

Me: “It really takes almost no time at all for me to pack your pizzas, ma’am, so if you’ll–“

Customer: “I want a refund! I don’t care about those f****** pizzas anymore!”

(I do as the customer asks and start making the refund. It takes a bit of time, as the customer paid with credit card, so our system won’t allow us to refund in cash.)

Me: “Okay, now the money is back in your account. Please take some coffee as you go; it is free of charge for you. Again, I am very sorry about this.”

Customer: “You should be! Now my kids will be very hungry when we drive back home!”

(The customer left and I had to throw away their perfectly good pizzas.)

You Have Many Grave Concerns, But This Won’t Be One Of Them

, , , , , , , , , | Romantic | February 13, 2018

(My friend is the maître d’ at a high-end restaurant. Reservations are always needed for dinner, but on holidays they can book weeks in advance. It is Valentine’s Day, and he has been fully booked for over a month. As you can imagine, people try to break rules to get a seat. This is the case when a man and woman arrive.)

Man: “You should have a reservation for two under ‘Graves.'”

Maître D’: “I don’t have any open reservations. What was the first name?”

Man: *sigh* “Abigail Graves.”

Maître D’: “Excuse me for a moment while I check.”

(My friend is confused at this point, because there is, in fact, a reservation under the name; however, he has already seated them ten minutes before, and the seated woman has given him the correct code from the reservation app. He decides to check with the seated Abigail. She is a visibly pregnant woman who is sitting with an older woman.)

Maître D’: “Excuse me for bothering you, but a couple has arrived claiming to be under your reservation.”

(At this point, the pregnant woman starts to cry and the older woman looks furious.)

Older Woman: “The nerve of him! He probably has her with him.”

Abigail: “Grandma! Please! Look. Two weeks ago, I walked in on my boyfriend in bed with another woman. He’s been making my life miserable because I left him. He won’t let me come get my dog, and he has been following me. I can’t believe he is here. He fought with me when I made the reservation. If you seat him, I can’t look at him. I’ll have to leave… I…”

Maître D’: “Miss, please don’t worry. I will handle the situation. You and your grandmother just have a lovely Valentine’s dinner.”

(The owner sees the woman crying, and asks what the situation is. My friend quickly fills him in, and the owner says he wants to handle this personally. As they are walking back towards the door, the owner pauses.)

Owner: “What name was the reservation under?”

Maître D’: “Graves.”

Owner: *grinning ear to ear* “That’s what I thought.”

(They get to the rather peeved-looking man and woman a moment later.)

Owner: “I’d like you to know that I looked at the reservations. This restaurant doesn’t have any spare ‘Graves’ to seat you in. However, cheating on a pregnant woman means you deserve to be lying in one. Show yourself out.”

Man: “You have some nerve.”

Owner: “No? Okay, [Security Staff], escort them out.” *to Maître D’* “Please comp her meal. It’s not every day I can threaten someone using puns.”

This Customer Just Takes The Cake

, , , | Right | February 13, 2018

(I work behind the deli and bakery counter inside a larger grocery store. On the day of this incident, it is Sunday, when the department manager and the official cake decorator are not working, leaving me watching the cake counter and writing messages on the premade cakes for anyone who asks. A woman comes up and begins browsing huffily through the cookie cakes.)

Me: “Can I help you?”

Customer: “Maybe. None of these cakes are really what I want. Do you have any more in the back?”

Me: “Not that are decorated. If you have a more specific design in mind, I can see if we have any blank ones.”

Customer: “DO THAT.”

(I proceed to the freezer, slightly mystified, as we really do cover a large number of generic designs in the cookie display. Still, I manage to locate a blank one and bring it out. I have already elected not to tell this woman that I am NOT, in fact, the primary cake decorator, as I am quite confident with my abilities with the writing, icing, and all that goes on a cookie cake.)

Me: “Here we go. Now, what design did you want?”

Customer: “I want this one.”

(She slaps a smartphone down on the counter, showing a clear image of a Confederate flag, which has been recently outlawed. Fortunately, red flags go off. I have seen this on Facebook. I am also stricken with visions of store managers storming over to the deli and demanding to know who would be so stupid as to put an illegal flag on a cake.)

Me: “Ma’am, I’m fairly certain that’s an illegal design.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know. It’s stupid. [Grocery Store down the road] wouldn’t do it, either.”

Me: “Maybe I should check with a manager to be absolutely sure.”

Customer: “DO THAT.”

(I was correct; the design is forbidden by corporate. I come back with my assistant manager.)

Assistant Manager: “Ma’am, I’m not asking my employee to get fired to make one sale. She will be happy to add stars or stripes as a border.”

Customer: “FINE. Here, write, ‘Austin,’ on this.”

(She shoves a generic “Happy Birthday” cookie back over the counter.)

Me: *to myself* “Well, with that attitude…”

(I wrote the name on the cake and excused myself for a break. Not five minutes later, according to my coworkers, the woman returned and demanded that someone else write the name, instead, requiring that the first be scraped off. It looked terrible, but she took it and left, anyway.)

Not Getting With The Program

, , , , | Working | February 13, 2018

(I’m working in tech support for an insurance broker. We frequently get sales calls from vendors wanting to know what kind of software we use, so they can offer us their software to use, instead.)

Me: *answers phone* “Tech Support, this is [My Name].”

Vendor: “Hi, this is [Vendor] calling from [Company]. We have it written down here that you are still using [Program]; is that correct?”

(We’ve used several of the same programs for so long, some of the names have changed, including the companies that make the software, in some cases.)

Me: “That sounds familiar, but let me check; it’s not a program I normally get into unless there’s a problem with it.”

Vendor: “That’s fine.”

(I mute the phone so I can ask a coworker, and I search our system to see if we have any documentation for the program in question.)

Vendor: *thinking I can’t hear him, because he can’t hear me* “Come on, Mr. IT Guy. You need to reboot the whole system just to know what you’re using?”

(Stunned, and not sure how to proceed, I decided to keep him muted a little while longer just to waste his time, and then I hung up on him without another word. Not sure if he ever called back again.)