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It’s The Middle Of The Day In India

, , , , , | Working | December 7, 2017

(It is about 12:30 am, I am having a hard time sleeping, and when I finally feel like I am going to fall asleep, my cell phone rings. I pick it up thinking it might be one of my relatives trying to contact me because something happened.)

Scammer: “This is Microsoft tech sup—”

Me: *cranky* “What the f***?! It’s midnight!”

Scammer: *continues on* “We detected a virus in your computer and—”

Me: “Listen here. It’s midnight. I do not have a virus, and it’s midnight. You do not call people this late at night.”

Scammer: “But it’s an emergency; we have a—”

Me: “Listen. I worked for a call center, and it is in fact illegal to solicit or cold-call people past 9:00 at night—”

Scammer: *interrupting with a condescending tone* “—but it’s not midnight here.”

Me:In their timezone, as I was going to say, you a**-backwards twit. You remove this number from your list of scams right now, or I will be forwarding it to the police. Got it? F*** off!”

(They hung up. Since then, I haven’t had another “Windows tech” call on my cell.)

One Ring To Sue Them All

, , , | Right | December 7, 2017

Coworker: “Thank you for calling [Hotel]. My name is [Coworker]. How can I help you today?”

Guest: “Yes, hello. I need to inquire about a lost item.”

Coworker: “Certainly, ma’am. What sort of item?”

Guest: “It was my wedding ring. I stayed at your hotel, and when I got home it was missing.”

(My coworker looks through our recently reported found items and finds nothing close to being a wedding ring.)

Coworker: “Ma’am? When exactly did you stay with us, so I can narrow it down a bit?”

Guest: “Oh, it was in August or so…”

(Immediately, my coworker realizes that this call is about to go sour, as it is now FEBRUARY.)

Coworker: “Ma’am… I’m sorry, but we only hold lost items for thirty days. After that, anything unclaimed is donated. I’m sorry, but even if we did find your ring, it wouldn’t be in our possession any longer.”

(As expected, the guest LOSES IT.)


Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we just don’t have the storage to keep lost items for this long.”

Guest: *ignoring my coworker entirely* “I’ll call the police! YOU STOLE MY WEDDING RING AND I’LL SUE THE WHOLE HOTEL!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, by law, we aren’t responsible for lost items in the hotel; we keep found items for thirty days as a courtesy. If you’d called sooner—”

Guest: “I was out of the country! Of course I didn’t call until now! You’ll be hearing from my lawyer! I’LL SEE YOU PERSONALLY ARRESTED!” *click*

(Amusingly, my coworker had been out of the office for an extended period during the time that the woman supposedly lost her ring, so even if someone had stolen it, it couldn’t possibly have been him. Of course, my coworker was not arrested, and we never heard anything more about it.)

At Least You’re Alive To Watch The Real Life

, , , , , , | Friendly | December 6, 2017

(I’m outside at my college on the morning of September 12, 2001, before class. We are in the United States.)

Girl: *to a friend* “Look, like, I get, like, it’s a big deal, or whatever, but I don’t know why even MTV has to talk about it. Why do I have to miss TRL because of some stupid planes?”

Saw An Opening But Didn’t Take It

, , , , | Working | December 6, 2017

(I need a special size button battery for my car’s remote. There’s a small electronics store in a shopping center near a grocery store. I head there in the morning after a night shift and see that they aren’t open yet, so I pick up a few groceries. I finish up shortly before the opening time, so I’m waiting outside with a few other people for the doors to be unlocked. About five minutes after the opening time, the door remains locked. I look in the windows and see two employees being talked to by what looks like a manager. The manager sees me and I wave a little, smiling. He comes over to unlock the door and comes outside.)

Manager: *addressing the small group of people* “What do you all of you need so much that you’re here at nine in the morning?”

Me: “You mean, the time your door says you open?”

(The manager rolls his eyes.)

Me: “I guess you’re right; I don’t need it that badly. I can go elsewhere.”

(The store has since closed.)

Making Tall Claims

, , , , , | Working | December 6, 2017

(I work at an amusement park. I go on my 40-minute break to the staff cafeteria and see it is almost completely filled. I find an empty spot, and soon enough a cute girl asks if she can share my table.)

Girl: “Hi, can I sit here?”

Me: “Sure.” *she sits down* “Where do you work?”

Girl: “I work in retail, usually at the big store at the front of the park. What about you? I don’t recognize your uniform.”

Me: “I work crowd control.”

Girl: “But… don’t you have to be intimidating to do that?” *looks under table* “I guess you’re tall.”