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“The Adventures Of Harold, Benjy, And Carmen” Sounds Awesome

, , , , , , | Healthy | August 13, 2018

(I’m in a short-term rehab center, recovering from surgery. A speech therapist comes in with a form in her hands.)

Therapist: “Good morning! I’ll just take a couple of minutes here to see how your speech and language skills are, all right?”

Me: “I suppose.”

(I teach special needs, and immediately recognize the form; it’s the mental acuity screener. BAH!)

Therapist: “Can you tell me where you are?”

(This goes on for awhile, and I’m getting irritated.)

Therapist: “Now, would you name these three animals?”

(She shows me sketch of a lion, an elephant, and a hippo.)

Me: “How about Harold, Benjy, and Carmen?”

Therapist: *silent*

Me: “Well, the task as phrased was to name the animals. If it were stated correctly, you would have asked me to identify the animals, and I would have told you they were a lion, elephant, and hippo.”

Therapist: *silent, but grinning*

Me: “And the number they told me to remember when I had this identical screening in the hospital was 74.”

Has Her Entitlement Trained On You

, , , , , | Right | August 13, 2018

(I am riding a train to Tennessee for a relative’s wedding. I just got off of a train and I am transferring to another one. My previous train was delayed, so I arrived four hours late. My next train is starting in a few minutes, so I take a ride on a cart to get there faster. Suddenly, an old lady approaches the driver.)

Lady: “Sir, could I please get on? My train leaves in two hours and I would like to be there early.”

Cart Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but this young man is already on, and with his luggage, the cart is too full to take another person.”

Lady: “I’m eighty f****** years old! I deserve the cart more than this man!”

Cart Driver: “His train leaves in a minute, ma’am.”

Lady: “Well, I’m old, so I have privileges!”

Cart Driver: “I’m afraid not, ma’am. Your train leaves in two hours. This man’s train is leaving very soon.”

Lady: *starts hitting the driver with her purse* “Who the h*** do you think you are?”

Cart Driver: “Ma’am, I will come back for you. Let me just take this man.”

(He drives away, and luckily, I make it to my train on time. Once I’m on, I see a younger woman approach the driver with the same old lady.)

Younger Woman: “How dare you not take my mother on?! You should be fired!”

Cart Driver: “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

Younger Woman: “You should be! My mother and I have to make it to our train!”

(As the train left, I felt sorry for the poor guy.)

Five Cents To Save The Whales Is Too Much For Some

, , , | Right | August 13, 2018

(Lately, a law was passed in France forbidding plastic bags in shops, to prevent pollution and people throwing plastic bags everywhere. Where I work, the CEO has decided to offer paper bags that cost 0,05 euros. You can, of course, leave without a bag or use one of your own. It is a Friday night. I am the youngest salesperson in the shop, so I have to attend the cash register. I also attend college for English studies. A man comes up to me with several items. At that moment, I don’t realise he is American and that he doesn’t speak fluent French.)

Me: “Would you like a paper bag?”

Customer: “I don’t care. Give me a plastic bag.”

Me: “I am sorry, sir. We don’t have them anymore; we just have those bags that cost 0,05 euros.”

(He is joined by his son, who asks me for a bag to carry the items, still in French. I explain to him that we don’t have free bags and that he will have to pay for one. Suddenly the older man starts yelling at me, in English:)

Customer: “I want a plastic bag! I’m an American! I shouldn’t have to follow French laws!”

Me: *in English* “Sorry, but you have to follow the law of the country.”

(His son brought a bag, clearly pissed at his dad and embarrassed, and they left. A week after, I learned that they complained about me and my “lack of professionalism” on the customer experience website.)

Beer The Change You Want To See In The World

, , , , , , | Friendly | August 13, 2018

(I’m sitting at the very front of a train when a homeless man carrying an open beer can approaches me.)

Homeless Man: “Excuse me, mate. Can you spare some change?”

Me: “I’m afraid not, sorry.”

(I can, but I don’t tell him that. He goes down the carriage, asking everyone, then goes into the next one. Half an hour later, the train is reaching its end and I’m the only one in the carriage. He returns and walks straight into the wall at the end without breaking his stride. He looks at it for a minute as if he can’t quite process it, then he looks at me.)

Homeless Man: “So, how are you, then? What’ve you been up to tonight?”

(Not wanting to agitate him, I chat to him for a few minutes, whilst making sure to stay in CCTV view.)

Homeless Man: “So, I’ve been friendly, and I’ve given you some nice company. And I know you’ve got some change on you, so could you help me out?”

Me: “I really can’t.”

Homeless Man: “Why won’t you help a homeless guy? I’m just trying to find a place to sleep!”

Me: “I make regular donations to homeless charities; they all say if I give you money, it’s just going to keep you on the street. You need to seek professional help.”

Homeless Man: “But I’m not on the drugs, or the booze, or anything!”

Me: “I’ll help you out by giving you a tip. Maybe tell people that when you don’t have a beer can in your hand. I’d love to believe you, but I can’t right now.”

(He sulked and wandered off.)

Disabling His Complaint

, , , , | Right | August 13, 2018

(My workplace is accessed by a short and very steep drive. I see a man in a manual wheelchair rolling down our driveway very fast. My coworker and I manage to grab and stop his chair just short of a brick wall.)

Customer #1: “Bloody h***! Thanks, guys. I thought I was going to smash into the wall there!”

Coworker: “What happened?”

Customer #1: “Ah, someone pushed past me too hard, and it set me to rolling down here.”

Me: “Well, I’m just glad that you’re all right.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, thanks to you two!”

(We’re about to ask if he wants us to help him back up the hill, or if he wants to wait here for someone to pick him up or something, when a second man comes over.)

Customer #2: “How dare you?!”

All Three Of Us: “Erm, what?”

Customer #2: “You should be ashamed of yourselves! You can’t manhandle people just because they’re in wheelchairs! My wife is in a wheelchair; would you just grab at her if you saw her? It’s disgusting!” *then, to the first customer* “I saw the whole thing, and will be a witness for you. You should prosecute them for assault!”

Customer #1: “I needed help, man. I would have crashed into the wall. I think I should be thanking them more, not trying to get them in trouble.”

Customer #2: “No! You shouldn’t thank them! These people need to understand that being in a wheelchair doesn’t make you incapable of looking after yourself; they shouldn’t have interfered unless you specifically asked for help.”

Customer #1: *long pause* “Okay. So, anyway…” *turns to us* “Thanks very much, lads. If you could give me a push back up to the road, that would be great.”

Me: “Yes, of course. we’re happy to help.”

Customer #2: “Well, if you won’t do anything, I will. I’m going to speak to the manager and get these people fired. They need to learn they can’t go around grabbing people in wheelchairs.” *walks back into the store*

Customer #1: *to us* “Do you think he’s really going to complain?”

Coworker: “It’s possible. People complain about some really weird things.”

Me: “Oh, well. Our boss is a decent woman; I doubt we’ll have any problems.”

Customer #1: “Well, I’d better go see your boss, too, just in case. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

(When we got in the store, [Customer #2] was standing in the middle of the cashier area, yelling about how he didn’t want the stores employees grabbing his wife. Of course, we didn’t get in trouble, but [Customer #2] returned his purchases and said he’d never shop with us again.)