(While my mom is very pretty, she does have a much smaller frame than I do. This conversation occurs as we are dressing up for a pantomime-style play of the Christian Christmas story at our church.)
Mom: “I’ll be a ram.”
Me: “I’ll be a cow; I have the chest for it.”
(Mom started laughing.)
(I am working on the last open checkout on Christmas Eve, about thirty minutes before we finish early for the night.)
Supervisor: *showing up at checkout without warning* “Can you finish up with this customer, and then see [Manager]?”
Me: “Um, sure?”
(I finish up with the customer, then head over.)
Manager: “I’m afraid you’ve just had a customer complaint.”
(A customer I had served some fifteen minutes beforehand, seeing I am being spoken to, decides to storm over to us from the customer service desk.)
Customer: “YES! That’s him!”
Manager: *looking me dead in the eye with an all-consuming seriousness* “The customer has complained that you were too cheery… Keep it up! In fact, you can clock out early; have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year!” *waves happily at me*
(As I was walking away, I heard the customer screaming about how she [the manager] would never work at this store again… promptly followed by some random guy with a gruff Glaswegian accent: “And a merry f****** Christmas to you, too!” It was magical!)
(I work at a local costume shop, and it’s right before Christmas. We get a lot of calls reserving Santa suits. The following happens over one of these calls.)
Me: “Hello. This is [Store]. [My Name] speaking; how can I help you today?”
Santa: “Hi. I want to know if you rent Santa suits?”
Me: “We sure do! We have our most popular deluxe Santa that comes with [high-quality accessories] for [price]. Our next most popular is our mid-grade [Santa] that comes with [less accessories] for [lower price].”
Santa: “I’ll take the deluxe Santa for [date].”
(I get his measurements and set up the reservation.)
Me: “And you are ready to go! Is there anything else?”
Santa: “Yeah, I have a question. Do you sell adult diapers? ”
(I laugh because I think he’s joking. But I soon realise he isn’t.)
Me: “W-what? No. I would suggest going to a grocery store?”
Santa: “Well, that’s just a lot of accessories. It would be hard to take all that off just to use the bathroom.”
Me: “…”
Santa: “…”
Me: “No. We don’t sell adult diapers.”
(We made sure to wash his Santa suit an extra time after he returned it, just in case.)
(I am working on the fragrance counter of a large store on Christmas Eve when a man asks for my help selecting presents — women’s perfume. He tells me he needs two presents, one for under €100 and one under €20. He chooses to go over budget with the more expensive gift, and we are now browsing for the smaller gift.)
Me: “Okay, it seems you like [Fragrance #1] more than the others. It costs €25 for 75 mls, which is a little over your budget, but you do get a big bottle, which is good value.”
Customer: “Hmm… Yes, I do like it a lot more than [Fragrance #2] and [Fragrance #3], but it is a little bit too expensive, seeing as I’ve gone over budget with the other one.”
Me: “Okay, well, we do have [Fragrance #4] on sale for €19.99 for 50 mls. It’s a very good brand, and a nice, medium-sized bottle.”
Customer: “Right, I’ll go with that one, then! Any chance you could gift wrap them both for me?”
Me: “Great. Let me just scan them through, and I will wrap them while we put your card through.”
(I wrap them, and then notice that the bottles are hard to tell apart when wrapped in the same paper.)
Me: “Would I be able to put a name on either gift for you, sir? They look very alike, and it might be hard to tell them apart without labeling them.”
Customer: “Oh, they do look the same! Yeah, could you put [Name #1] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #2] on the other?”
Me: “No problem. Let me just grab my pen!”
Customer: “Actually… could we swap that around? [Name #2] on the [expensive perfume] and [Name #1] on the other?”
Me: “Of course.”
Customer: *laughing* “You see one’s for the wife, and the other’s for a colleague… Can’t be mixing them up!”
Me: *smiling and joking with him* “No, you’d be in trouble if you did!”
Customer: “Yeah, the wife mightn’t mind [cheap perfume], but [Name #2] told me specifically to get [expensive perfume]!”
Me: “…”
(It made me wonder just how close he and his “colleague” were.)
This story is part of our Cheaters roundup!
(It’s Christmas Eve and my day off. I decide to go up to the town for a few bits and pieces, and call into the store where I normally work. I pick up what I need and go to the till of my friendly and cheerful colleagues. Another woman is just being served as I approach the till; she looks miserable and annoyed.)
Colleague: “Hello there, madam! How are you? Do you need a hand with your packing?”
Customer: “Give me a bag.”
Colleague: “Of course. Do you want a small bag?”
Customer: “Whatever will fit this in.”
(My colleague looks over at her shopping and chooses a bag for her. While he’s sorting it out, the woman looks over at me with an exaggerated sigh and raises her eyebrows.)
Colleague: “There you are. Would you like a hand at all?”
Customer: “No. I can do it.”
(She packs her shopping, all the while throwing odd glares at my colleague while he’s not looking.)
Colleague: “That’ll be [total], please, my dear!”
(He takes the money and, as per our store policy, checks the £10 note with a UV light.)
Customer: *in an undertone to me* “What’s he doing now?! Ridiculous!”
Colleague: “Here’s [total] change. Thank you very much, and we’ll see you again soon!”
(She takes the change. He’s preoccupied with sorting out something on his till, so he doesn’t see her look towards me and mouth, “No, you won’t!” She moves to the next vacant till to sort out her shopping, and my colleague notices I’m next in line. As usual, he gives me a big greeting and scans through my shopping.)
Colleague: “Thank you very much! Do you have your staff discount?”
(I took my staff card out of my pocket, and as my colleague put in my number to give me my discount I just caught a glimpse of the woman who had been quietly slating my colleague to me; she looked like she had been slapped in the face!)
