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The Gift Of The Gab

, , , | Related | January 19, 2012

(I am returning home from Christmas shopping with my four-year-old daughter. I caution her not to tell Mommy what we bought for her.)

Girl: “Mommy, we got a present for you, but I can’t tell you what it is. Do you want a hint?”

Mother: “No, don’t tell me what it is.”

Girl: “Well, I’ll tell you one thing. It isn’t black like your other umbrella.”


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All I Want For Christmas Is You

, , , , | Right | January 17, 2012

(I am working at a gift-wrapping booth at the mall. Since it is Christmas time, there are a lot of security guards around. A couple of security guards walk by the gift-wrap booth, eyeing the price list.)

Me: “Hi, how may I help you?”

Female Security Guard: “Excuse me, how much would it be to wrap him up?” *points at one of the other security guards*

Bad iDea

, , , , | Related | January 11, 2012

(My family and I are at a mall doing some Christmas shopping.)

Dad: “Well, guys, can you think of anything you want for Christmas?”

Mom: “Hey, an Apple Store! I know what I want!”

(She runs in. Knowing that she knows nothing about technology, I run in after her. One of the Apple store attendants is already on her.)

Attendant: “Hello, how can I help you today?”

Mom: “Yes, I’d like a Nintendo Wii, please?”

(The attendant gives her a blank stare. I stop dead.)

Attendant: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t sell those here.”

Mom: “No, I understand. It’s the holidays, right?” *leans in close* “I know you have some in the back. I’ll slip you an extra fifty if you sell me the one you’ve been saving for yourself.”

(She gives him a wink, and he looks to me for help. I proceed to drag her out of the store.)

Mom: “What? I know he has some in the back!”

Me: “Just because it’s white and shiny doesn’t mean it was made by Apple!”


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Not Firmly Rooted In Reality

, , , | Right | January 5, 2012

(I work at a “cut your own” Christmas tree farm.)

Customer: “Are these locally grown?”


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Santa Will Not Be Pleased

, , , , , | Right | December 31, 2011

(It’s three weeks until Christmas, and I’m ringing up a customer when her child speaks up.)

Child: “Mommy, when’s Christmas?”

Customer: “When you eat each and every one of the chocolates from the advent calendar, it’ll be Christmas.”

Child: “But I already ate all of the chocolate…”