(I’m doing a grocery run with my ten-month-old daughter, and a middle-aged woman takes a peek at her sitting in the stroller. I also have a babyface.)

Middle-Aged Woman: “Oh, what a cutie! And look at those little shoes!”

Me: “Yep, Grandma has good taste!”

(I head to the ice cream aisle to find my husband and the woman catches up to me again.)

Middle-Aged Woman: “Excuse me, did you say the baby is your grandchild?”

Me: “Oh, no, she’s my daughter. Her grandmother that bought her shoes lives near Boston.”

Middle-Aged Woman: *visibly relieved* “Oh! I was thinking you would have to have gotten pregnant at twelve for her to be your grandchild!”

Me: “Well, I’m almost forty, so I’m technically old enough to have grandkids.”

(The woman gave me the biggest deer-in-headlights look and beat a hasty retreat.)

(I am ringing up a customer.)

Me: “Your total is… [total].”

Customer: “Hmm. I did the math; that seems high. Aren’t these items $[price #1] and $[price #2]?”

Me: “Well, yes, but then another $[amount] was added for sales tax.”

Customer: “Oh, well, I don’t have to pay sales tax.”

Me: “All right, then. If I can just see the state-issued document that includes your tax-exempt number, I’d be more than happy to remove the tax from the transaction.”

Customer: “I need a form?”

Me: “Yes. Otherwise, how would I know you are actually tax-exempt?”

Customer: “That would impede my rights to have to go to the government in order to not have to pay tax. That’s illegal!”

(My manager approaches, mainly because the man is talking rather loudly.)

Customer: *looks at manager* “So, can you take the tax off of my purchase?”

Manager: “Sure! I just need to see the tax-exempt form.”

Customer: “I just told your employee I don’t have that because that would impede my rights.”

Manager: “Unfortunately, I cannot prove that, and I cannot authorize a tax-exempt sale without that form, which includes the tax-exempt number.”

Customer: “Well, I will be reporting both of you to the police for breaking the law!”

Manager: “Okay!”

Me: “Sounds good.”

(The customer left, and we just started laughing at the craziness.)

(I work in the bakery department of the local supermarket, and as anyone who has worked in retail can attest to, customers who drop suddenly unwanted items in random areas are a source of unending frustration. I’m on the shop floor, stocking freshly-baked bread when I observe a customer change her mind and put a loaf of bread back WHERE SHE GOT IT FROM! Happy days! Unable to contain myself, I go over to thank her. I can only speak English.)

Me: “I just wanted to thank you for putting that bread back instead of just dropping it anywhere. That stuff means a lot to us.” *big smile*

Customer: *looks at me silently with a politely puzzled expression*

Me: *still smiling*

Customer: *starts asking me a question about a special, in what I suspect is Portuguese*

Me: *in my head* “Bugger.”

(I got a rough idea what she was asking and helped as best I could.)

(I’m serving a woman and her roughly eight-year-old son.)

Customer: “That’s what I forgot to grab. I was going to buy you some dental floss. I need to teach you how to floss.”

(Suddenly, the kid looks really excited, like he’s about to jump out of his skin.)

Customer: “Not Fortnite floss. Floss your teeth.”

(The son frowned and slumped off to go sit down, looking quite upset. The customer just looked at me and rolled her eyes.)

(I work at a supermarket. One morning, I’m putting through an older man’s basket that has a few bottles of wine in it and he decides to say this:)

Customer: “I have enough alcohol here for a drunken orgy!”

Me: *stares*

Customer: “I’m only joking! I’ve never had one.”

(He’s a regular customer. I’ve been unable to look at him in the same way since.)