(Our hotel has free unlimited international calls, but once a guest has called someone through the phone in their room, the number that is displayed on the receiving end is the hotel’s own number. Thus, it happens sometimes that people call our hotel after they have missed the initial call. One day, a man calls our hotel. I can tell that he is calling from a different country.)

Me: “[Hotel]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “Did you call me?”

Me: “Oh, no, sir. If one of our guests in the hotel calls you, you’ll see our number. Do you know of any friends or family that are visiting Jerusalem right now?”

Caller: “Jerusalem? No… Is that in Canada?”

(I’m reviewing a patient’s medical records that are part of a study but were flagged for “inconsistencies.” Usually, this means that the dates of illness or medication don’t make sense, but in this case, I see that the reviewer has highlighted the patient’s travel history, which is blank. I track down the physician who filled out the form.)

Me: “Hi, [Doctor], I’m reviewing the charts for [study] and I saw that—“

Doctor: *laughing* “Travel history, right?”

Me: “Uh… yeah.”

Doctor: “Turns out someone coded in upper limits to the interstate travel portion of the form, because it can’t go over seven times a week.”

Me: “What? How often does this guy travel?”

Doctor: “Well, the form just asks about traveling to another state. He lives in [State], but… legally, half his house is across state lines. So, his answer was, ‘Eight or nine times a day,’ and the computer didn’t like that one.”

(My town was founded as two towns back in the lumber baron days, and was made into one much later. Residents still know and refer to the areas on either side of the bridges over the river as “East Side” or “West Side.” This is important whenever giving directions, for example. It is my day to work the circulation desk at the library, and part of that includes fielding phone calls. I pick one up about halfway through the day.)

Me: “Circulation desk. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Caller: “Hello! I was hoping to get some directions to the library!”

Me: “Certainly! Our address is [address]. Does that sound familiar?”

Caller: “Not really…”

Me: “Hmm, well, are you East Side or West Side?”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “East [City] or West [City]? I can give you directions based off of that.”

Caller: “There’s an East and West [City] now?”

Me: “Er, as long as I’ve lived here… in [City], Michigan.”

Caller: *starts laughing!* “Oh, my God!”

Me: “What is it?”

Caller: “I meant to call the [Same City], Oregon library!”

Me: *starts laughing as well* “Yes, our library would be a bit of a drive!”

(We both had a good laugh about the mix-up. I wished her luck in her endeavor and spent the rest of my shift in a lighter mood!)

(My sister is writing her dissertation about land-use.)

Sister: “There’s zero percent settlement in Iceland.”

Me: “What?”

Sister: “See this pie?” *shows me* “Iceland consists of fifty-three percent grassland, thirty-nine percent other (that would be the mountains and glaciers), six percent wetland, one percent forestry, one percent cropland, and zero percent settlement. There IS a sliver in the pie; it’s obviously zero-point something, but they’ve listed it as zero percent.”

(I work in an outsourced call centre for a well-known mobile phone brand. I have a “received pronunciation” accent which means that, although I’m Australian, born and bred, I sound like I’m an upper-class Brit. Most callers like my accent, which can lead to very difficult conversations along the “thank God you’re not an Indian” lines. This time, though, was a bit of a twist on that conversation.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Are you in India?”

Me: “No, I’m Australian, in Australia.”

Caller: “No, you’re Indian.”

Me: “Do I sound like I’m Indian?”

Caller: “Yes! Yes, you do!”

Me: *laughing* “Well, then, I guess I’m Indian…”

(The caller hung up.)