(We greet customers as they come in and answer questions they may have. A man comes in with his wife and comes over to me.)

Me: “Did you have a question, sir?”

Customer: “So, what have you heard about woodchucks?”

(I’m completely confused, so I try to just play along.)

Me: “I hear they chuck wood.”

(The customer begins to scowl at me, actually looking offended and disgusted with my answer. He then asks me a few questions about some of our products before heading off to shop.)

Customer: *cryptically* “And you keep thinking about those woodchucks…”

(He returns later and I am the cashier to take care of him. He brings up the woodchuck thing again as he’s about to leave.)

Customer: “I’ve only had one person, this old man — a veteran — answer me correctly. He told me… 42.”

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(My boyfriend and I are talking one night.)

Me: “I love you!”

Boyfriend: “I love you, too!”

Me: “How much?”

Boyfriend: “The highest value a supercomputer can compute for a function with a vertical asymptote.”

Me: “Erm. Thanks?”

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(I am a customer shopping through DVD sales on Black Friday. A young boy runs up to look as well.)

Boy: “Look, Dad! Star Wars!”

(The boy picks up the movie and looks closer. It is Episode 2, with Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman on the cover.)

Boy: “Wait. This isn’t the real Star Wars. What is this? Hey, Dad, why are they pretending to be Star Wars?”

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(I have been dating my boyfriend for a few months and want to tell him how I am feeling. My boyfriend is doing a PhD in math and is extremely, painstakingly accurate about everything.)

Me: “You make me really happy. I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I feel really strongly about you.”

(My boyfriend nods and smiles. I wait expectantly for a response, but he just looks confused.)

Me: “Well? Don’t you feel the same as I do?”

Boyfriend: “No.”

Me: “What?! Why not?”

Boyfriend: “Well, I feel analogous to what I perceive to be the way you feel. Since I am not you, and therefore cannot experience your feelings directly, I cannot say that I feel the same as you do because I can never know exactly how you feel. I feel that what I understand you to be describing as your experience is something that I agree with and relate to, but it would be inaccurate to say that I ‘feel the same’.”

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(This takes place when I am hosting a release party for one of the Harry Potter books. As kids come in, we “sort” them into a Hogwarts house by having them choose a sticker from a sorting hat.)

Me: “Welcome! Would you like to get sorted into a Hogwarts House?”

(The daughter of a customer reaches into the hat and pulls her hand out to reveal a Ravenclaw sticker.)

Customer: “Ravenclaw?! Hey, buddy, she really wanted Gryffindor. Let her pick again.”

Me: “Sorry, sir. All the Sorting Hat’s decisions are final.”

Customer: “Just give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

Me: “I don’t think that would be fair. All the other kids picked and stuck with their choice. And we’re actually getting ready to start an activity for the Ravenclaw kids, so–”

Customer: “No daughter of mine is getting stuck with those weird Ravenclaw kids! She’s clearly a Gryffindor!”

Daughter: “Actually, Daddy, I like Ravenclaw. That’s where all the smart kids go!”

Customer: “Screw that! Who wants to hang out with the nerds? Give her a Gryffindor sticker!”

Me: “Okay, here you go!”

Customer: “Finally! I’m going to talk to the manager about you.”

(As they walk away the customer loudly teases his daughter for wanting to live with the smart kids. He did complain to my manager, but we just had a good laugh about it afterward.)